Spiritual Forum

This is just a question on my behalf of this whole awakening... Because there are things I don't understand, and things I ask for guidance for.

I am a free bird. I really believe I'm not ment to have anyone close because I percieve this as limiting. These last years, I have gotten some new, close friendships though. Even though I would call those amazing and funny, those very persons can make SICK! Every human has their negative sides, and I cannot take it at times. Recently, it has felt as if other people are living my life, they accomplish dreams I've had, they recieve relationships I had imagined. I'm not being general: one of my closest have a new boyfriend, and as childish and ridicoulos as it sounds - it feels like he was "mine" somehow. Even though I do not love him or want him that way. Looking in his eyes, I could almost recognize him even though I've never seen him before. So whenever they're together, I feel this sting without knowing why. Maybe I can't stand to see people happy? It's more to the story but I guess it's no use in explaining that exact situation, besided that I've never felt that strongly about someone actually living my life.

My conclusion is that my experience on earth is somehow made that way, maybe I am somehow not worthy of attention/real love/etc? How come some people get to experience fulfilling relationships and amazing love - while others can't? and don't talk about "oh you need to be One with yourself, celebrate yourself and grow first"!! Because I've known plenty of people not being near self-fulfilment of any kind who's gotten their life rescued by some sudden love. Which is the best thing in the world, don't get me wrong, but how come some get this, and others not? there must be some separation of what we will be given in this world? I feel like I walk around in a world of gods and goddesses, and whenever I start to pick up some self esteem, I may see a girl on the bus and wonder why anyone would chose me instead of her? YES I realise how phatetic my thoughts are - but they are real, and they are in the way of my life.

This friend can be pretty full of herself and treats me the way she wants to treat me. I take it because I simply put up with stuff I guess.. When she's nice, things are the best. When she's not, I despy her. And I don't usually despy people?? but lately, other friends have proven fake as well - and I don't dare to get out of those friendships because they seem so real to me. I accept too much and I don't feel strong enough inside, which annoys me a lot these days!! Who am I? And how come I NEVER feel good enough as being just me? I can't even go a day without observing someone and imagine being them for the rest of the day, as if I am them. I sound crazy! =) Maybe I am. I actually have no clue as to who I am because there are so many me's. None of them feels real.

I realise how this sounds like a pretty small problem compared to all the unbelievable things happening out there - but this is from my own experience as a human here on earth: what is it that I need to learn? This friend has been on my mind for years. Am I allowed to "chose away" a friend without any real reason? I feel worthless at times when her. I feel she is everything I visioned myself to be - except in a better version than the person I am. If I start to detach from her - would I be giving up? If we're all gonna be enlightened; shouldn't I manage any type of person? She just hits a core in me somehow and I have no idea as to how to get out of it. The fact that I feel she's living my life and experiencing personal visions I've had, makes me almost scared! How unworthy am I exactly?

I appreciate any kind of answer, any advice you would think of during your experiences with friendships! I'm just in a bad place right now and cannot get this sorted after years of trying.

xx

(sorry for not being able to stop writing about this=)