"My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home."
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."
"I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger... then it hit me."
"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... but then I turned myself around."
"I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
A guy sees a sign that says, "Talking Dog for Sale – $10."
He asks the dog, "Can you really talk?"
"Yep," the dog replies. "I've worked undercover for the CIA, traveled the world, and helped solve international crimes."
Amazed, the man asks the owner, "Why are you selling him for only ten bucks?"
The owner sighs. "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that."
Two hikers see a bear charging at them.
One starts putting on running shoes.
The other says, "You can't outrun a bear!"
He replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I just have to outrun you."
A lion wouldn't hurt me because we're born under the same sign.
Turns out I was thinking of astrology.
He was thinking of appetizers.
A police officer pulled me over and said,
"Papers?"
I replied,
"Scissors."
I lost.
My neighbor banged on my door at 3 a.m.
Three in the morning!
Luckily I was still awake practicing my bagpipes.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping.
During the night Holmes wakes Watson and says,
"Watson, look up. What do you see?"
Watson replies,
"Millions of stars. Astronomically, it tells me there are countless galaxies. Meteorologically, tomorrow should be clear. Theologically, it reminds me how small we are. What does it tell you?"
Holmes says,
"Watson... someone stole our tent."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I finally got eight hours of sleep—it took me four nights."
"I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant... but then I changed my mind."
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away, and you've got his shoes."
"People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now."
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