Update of some kind

I have been going through a lot of emotions. I am pregnant, in a new relationship, that is now long distance - and I find myself struggling to trust my partner, perhaps for good reasons. Some people tell me I am overly sensitive, others tell me that I make too many excuses for my partner and that he is lucky to have such an easily manipulated partner as me.Well, the issue is that he isn't happy. I know there are a lot of things going on in his life right now, but I keep having this feeling that the main reason he is unhappy is because he is trying to make this work without even knowing why or without really wanting to (but that he just, for some reason I quite don't understand, doesn't want to admit to it).I can't say I understand myself why I want it to work so badly, but I think the main difference is that I am more adaptable and try to understand our differences, while, from what he tells me, it seems he focuses on the negatives and blames most of it on me (and I am way too good at accepting the blame even when he is being unfair - hoping that somehow it will make him more ok about me.) Someone here said that perhaps we vibrate on different levels, which perhaps is the sad truth.It seems that we are both trying to make something work, for reasons we don't understand, while feeling that we are just so different. I thought I had come to terms with how he was different, but about that time I started being more comfortable and thus more open, more honest, more me - he started pulling away and sometimes even attacking me for being me. And what good does it do for me to meet him where he is, if he doesn't even want to meet me right outside of his front door?I get the feeling that he honestly thinks he loves me, but his actions do not speak of love the way I think of that feeling, and there is just something that I can't put my finger on. Sometimes I think he may feel obligated to be with me somehow - because I cant see why he'd treat me poorly yet say he loves me. His actions do not match his words. Its like he is so convinced that he loves me because he cannot deal with letting me down or something. But some things are all but loving and caring, like focusing on all the bad, just blaming me for every emotion he has, and I can't express any emotions myself without him reacting poorly. If I'm loving, its "too much", if I'm telling him about me or my day, I am "selfish", if I am cuddly, I am "clingy and needy". Things that should be positive, but just annoy him to the point of lashing out at me and telling me I have an unhealthy point of view about what a relationship should be like. I get the impression that he wants a roomie with privileges - a playmate to have fun with, but not necessarily feel too attached too. A "Fear of intimacy" sign is flashing in my head - and that's a fear that can ruin a possible relationship, or a fear that can disappear with time and patience.I have told him that I need him to be honest and that he needs to know why he is even trying - because obviously it doesn't seem to be what he really wants, and if so, he is wasting both of ours time. I just don't want to be the one to break up for him, because I do want to be with him and for things to work - so I don't want to take that responsibility. What he needs/wants is up to him - not me.Its just all really hard - things are bad, we are spending too much time apart, I worry a lot because of the state of the relationship, he has been really moody lately (a lot of other things have been going on around him too so its not all me, but it still makes me worry.) Now he is going back to this job with more people around him, and I am feeling like I'm loosing him - that he will find someone on his level. I guess I should want him to be happy, its just so hard to see that its an emotional block in him and that things could work - then again, I'm not the one to tell him what HE wants. He may want to stay in ignorance - after all, he thinks I'm the messed up one for being in touch with my emotions and for being empathetic in general - so HIS truth is that it is better to stay in a naive happy-neutral balance and always ignore and be uncomfortable about the negatives - while my truth is that there are no negatives and things are no worse than you make them. Stress for instance is just a natural response to circumstances around you, and you can see it just like that, as a response to something, rather than this overwhelming, scary force.I keep having this saying in my head when I think about all of this - what man does not understand, he destroys. Well, it feels like that is where my partner is at with me - he doesnt understand, he doesnt even bother to - if he ever brings up his interpretation of how I am and I try to help him see that he is jumping to conclusions or making things seem worse than they are, he just ignores my attempt at trying to help him understand it the way I see it. He wants to destroy or get distance from me because he doesnt understand me, but he doesnt want to try to understand me. There's just no winning...Long rant and I'll probably only get the answers I don't want to face - to get out of this. I'd do anything to make it work, or at least to get a chance to see what happens with time and getting to know eachother more (we've only known eachother since late March this year.) I dont even know why I am writing - maybe I am hoping that someone with better mental abilities than me can bring me some clarity into this man..I am more or less driving myself crazy, feeling like he will leave me, while not wanting things to end btw us - then sometimes being told I am being over sensitive and reading things into the situation that aren't there, AND, he does still try to make it work, so I know he must have SOME kind of motivation, even if we cant talk about it (me being insecure enough to ask makes him push me away.. So I am pretty much acting strong and happy around him just to avoid stepping on his toes...) I guess I just want something to hold on to, some hope, some understanding as to what I can do, if anything, to help the relationship out..

Thank you all for taking the time. I want to address you all separately since your comments differ in nature.

To Johnny:
I do have some really good support. I am living with my mom right now who is really happy about becoming a grandparent and is really supportive, and I have some friends that would help me out as well.

Not keeping the child was never an option really. I had an abortion once and promised myself to never have one again.

I am almost 6 months along, and our relationship has been long distance for 2 months now.

As for support, I guess that is the reason he is in the US and I am sitting here in Sweden - he got a job offer over there that he couldn't refuse, because I guess to him, "taking care of someone" is to take care of all that superficial stuff. If there is anything he is, it's a provider (of money.) Because of his job he may not be here for the delivery - he wants to try to be here. When I talk to him now all he talks about is the job and money, which makes me feel like I don't matter, but I honestly think that it is part of his way of caring (or an excuse not to move here.) I don't know if he focuses so much on that area because he doesn't like other aspects of his life, or if it is what he takes pride in, taking care of practical and financial stuff. He tends to act like he is in total control of everything, yet he gets so emotional about me being a warmer and emotional person, that I cant help but to feel that he must feel horribly out of control. He just acts so panicky about what I say at times, totally overreact and tell me to calm down and not be so dramatic when I'm really calm and centered.

One of those things that hurt me is that he went from "its better that you deliver there", to "if I get this job I want to bring you here because I really don't want to miss it", back to acting as if he never said anything about me joining him there before the delivery. He does that a lot, say something that makes me feel that I matter on a more emotional level, to just act like he never did later on. In this case in particular both me and the baby are better off if I deliver in Sweden - but it meant a lot to me that he didn't want to miss the deliver "no matter what".

I feel I have received feedback from "higher sources" at several points when I've had a rough time dealing with this all. It has been in the shape of a "aha" moment when I've been too emotional to be able to understand things (then a thought came out of nowhere to just put everything into perspective and balance.) Also a lot of the times when I've been trying to express something to him in writing, and been afraid to send it because he'll overreact, that same kind of energy has just came over me in a clear thought, a "knowing" of what I should write to help things out. Every time I follow that "knowing", things turn out way better. I don't always feel it though.

Then again, that feeling guided me to something else the other day that I have no idea how to deal with. It told me to go to his myspace page, which I know he never uses so I didn't quite understand the impulse but I recognized it as being from the outside, I wasn't even worrying or being controlling yet this impulse came to go here, and ended up finding something that I may have overreacted to. It seems he logged in there the same morning he left for his new job - less than 24 hours from when I got that impulse. It also seems that the very last person he talked to on there is a girl who seems to have a past with him, allthough the public comments were 9 months old or so. But I know he hates things being "in public" so he'd never write anything personal in public, so IF he had talked to her recently it would have been through the private message system.

Well, she just happens to live in the city where he got his job. On top of this, he asked her, many months ago, to get his old job back for him - well, that's just what he is going back to, his old job. His page states that he is single and that kids are "in the future" - everything else there is outdated though so it could just be that he isn't hiding it but just didn't update it after first creating the account. Also, the ONLY change on the whole page, is that her having him as her pet (some kind of "fun" thing - "own your friends") where you can edit the little note for the person, now said that he was back in that part of the country. Lets just say he is the only guy on her 3 pet list. So, the morning before going on a loooong drive to get to this city, he logs into myspace, that he hasn't used in ages (well, I havent checked the account since like 2 months ago and at that time he hadn't used it after February this year.) A friend told me that he probably just wanted his friends to know that he is back in town - well, he only have 2 friends from that area on there.

I am left here wondering "Whats up with all of this?". To me, its a bunch of warning signs. He has told me that he doesn't keep female friends while in a relationship because of sexual tension, so I can't exactly tell myself that its all innocent. Then again, there is nothing to say they ARE in fact talking, but the whole "him being her pet" and him being the only guy on there, bothered me. And he just got his old job back, that he had asked her to help him get previously. He also did sound kinda sneaky about the whole "agency" that contacted him, it just sounded kinda diffuse, they seemed to give him too much insider info, and they were putting too much energy into getting HIM the job and not the others applying - as if an agency would even care about boosting one person above the others? He was contacted before the job came out on the market too supposedly, so that's a red flag right there.

AND, the main reason I feel so concerned isn't necessarily that I found great proof of anything, but that the reason for me going there was that little voice that I recognize as a higher source - and that it just happened to be one day after his last login just seems too much of a coincidence too. Well, I called him up yesterday because of this newfound concern, and he did answer, and sounded like normal - said the "I love you" stuff and all of that with emotion and it felt sincere. Then again, he noticed on it having to be late over here - I NEVER heard him talk about the time here - why did he suddenly know what time it was here? He has spent most of our "shared awake hours" being unavailable just to get online when I'm about to go to bed - as if he had no idea that it was in fact as late as it was over here - then he'd act all surprised I had to go to bed.

Another thing that concerned me, which may just be just crazy talk from me (I am kinda insecure and hormonal), is that he also knew that the baby can get american citizenship. He has no idea how I'd go about to get it, but he knew the baby had the right to it. Well, I keep thinking that he is trying to get custody. He is 1. getting a job (in the US, from what I've been told, being a financial support is a main concern in custody cases) 2. knows about the babys ability to come there but nothing about mine 3. he is trying to tell me we dont have to do it all the way its supposed to be, that if I join him over there with the baby "there is no way they would kick you out and leave me with the baby here" - WHY is he taking for granted that if I got deported, the baby was his somehow? sure, for practical reasons it is better for the baby not to travel around, but why was he taking for granted that I'd leave without the baby? But if I get american citizenship for the baby, he will have the law on his side (it acknowledges him as the father, and he signs that he will promise to provide for it until it reaches age 18.) Well, he obviously has a fear of commitment, which makes perfect sense to me knowing what family he comes from - so him ignoring thinking about how to bring me over there could simply be explained with him not wanting to get married, and that is by far the easiest option. Had he joined me here in Sweden, they don't need you to marry. But US law doesn't recognize a relationship unless you are in fact married - having a baby together isn't enough. So he may just be avoiding his own fear of commitment by not thinking about how to bring ME over, and the baby was easy because somehow, that's less commitment.

I think I am growing a little bit paranoid - so I don't know what fears to trust and what fears are legitimate. But I do have a lot of concerns.

| SourceThe collective subconscious has shifted after many years of release and clearing. This changes our collective creation abilities, supporting new Source-informed unified creation which honors the higher trajectory and benefits the…

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"M.S. told me a long time ago. On this planet there is Light and there is Less Light. All of these ones are us. Both sides. Why do we have the Less Light? So that we can learn the lessons. We are going to be graduating as we do this. Thank you for…"

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Comments

Charlotte Jones September 22, 2009 at 9:48am

To Antikythera:
I do see that it is probably the best option, I just don't want to deal with it right now.. I guess I kinda told myself that we'll see how he does when he comes here during Christmas. It's 3 months away and it feels like forever, but I don't want to break up over internet or the phone if that is what it comes down to. And I don't want to base my decision on time spent apart. Something tells me that him coming here will give me what I need to take the next step - either he will be a total jerk and back out on coming here at all, or he can show that he cares, or he may not. I am hoping I'll deliver while he is still here, kinda seeing that as a test too. He says he wants to be there, but it will be interesting to see what kind of man he is by my side through something like that.
Charlotte Jones September 22, 2009 at 9:27am

Thank you all for taking the time. I want to address you all separately since your comments differ in nature.

To Johnny:
I do have some really good support. I am living with my mom right now who is really happy about becoming a grandparent and is really supportive, and I have some friends that would help me out as well.

Not keeping the child was never an option really. I had an abortion once and promised myself to never have one again.

I am almost 6 months along, and our relationship has been long distance for 2 months now.

As for support, I guess that is the reason he is in the US and I am sitting here in Sweden - he got a job offer over there that he couldn't refuse, because I guess to him, "taking care of someone" is to take care of all that superficial stuff. If there is anything he is, it's a provider (of money.) Because of his job he may not be here for the delivery - he wants to try to be here. When I talk to him now all he talks about is the job and money, which makes me feel like I don't matter, but I honestly think that it is part of his way of caring (or an excuse not to move here.) I don't know if he focuses so much on that area because he doesn't like other aspects of his life, or if it is what he takes pride in, taking care of practical and financial stuff. He tends to act like he is in total control of everything, yet he gets so emotional about me being a warmer and emotional person, that I cant help but to feel that he must feel horribly out of control. He just acts so panicky about what I say at times, totally overreact and tell me to calm down and not be so dramatic when I'm really calm and centered.

One of those things that hurt me is that he went from "its better that you deliver there", to "if I get this job I want to bring you here because I really don't want to miss it", back to acting as if he never said anything about me joining him there before the delivery. He does that a lot, say something that makes me feel that I matter on a more emotional level, to just act like he never did later on. In this case in particular both me and the baby are better off if I deliver in Sweden - but it meant a lot to me that he didn't want to miss the deliver "no matter what".

I feel I have received feedback from "higher sources" at several points when I've had a rough time dealing with this all. It has been in the shape of a "aha" moment when I've been too emotional to be able to understand things (then a thought came out of nowhere to just put everything into perspective and balance.) Also a lot of the times when I've been trying to express something to him in writing, and been afraid to send it because he'll overreact, that same kind of energy has just came over me in a clear thought, a "knowing" of what I should write to help things out. Every time I follow that "knowing", things turn out way better. I don't always feel it though.

Then again, that feeling guided me to something else the other day that I have no idea how to deal with. It told me to go to his myspace page, which I know he never uses so I didn't quite understand the impulse but I recognized it as being from the outside, I wasn't even worrying or being controlling yet this impulse came to go here, and ended up finding something that I may have overreacted to. It seems he logged in there the same morning he left for his new job - less than 24 hours from when I got that impulse. It also seems that the very last person he talked to on there is a girl who seems to have a past with him, allthough the public comments were 9 months old or so. But I know he hates things being "in public" so he'd never write anything personal in public, so IF he had talked to her recently it would have been through the private message system.

Well, she just happens to live in the city where he got his job. On top of this, he asked her, many months ago, to get his old job back for him - well, that's just what he is going back to, his old job. His page states that he is single and that kids are "in the future" - everything else there is outdated though so it could just be that he isn't hiding it but just didn't update it after first creating the account. Also, the ONLY change on the whole page, is that her having him as her pet (some kind of "fun" thing - "own your friends") where you can edit the little note for the person, now said that he was back in that part of the country. Lets just say he is the only guy on her 3 pet list. So, the morning before going on a loooong drive to get to this city, he logs into myspace, that he hasn't used in ages (well, I havent checked the account since like 2 months ago and at that time he hadn't used it after February this year.) A friend told me that he probably just wanted his friends to know that he is back in town - well, he only have 2 friends from that area on there.

I am left here wondering "Whats up with all of this?". To me, its a bunch of warning signs. He has told me that he doesn't keep female friends while in a relationship because of sexual tension, so I can't exactly tell myself that its all innocent. Then again, there is nothing to say they ARE in fact talking, but the whole "him being her pet" and him being the only guy on there, bothered me. And he just got his old job back, that he had asked her to help him get previously. He also did sound kinda sneaky about the whole "agency" that contacted him, it just sounded kinda diffuse, they seemed to give him too much insider info, and they were putting too much energy into getting HIM the job and not the others applying - as if an agency would even care about boosting one person above the others? He was contacted before the job came out on the market too supposedly, so that's a red flag right there.

AND, the main reason I feel so concerned isn't necessarily that I found great proof of anything, but that the reason for me going there was that little voice that I recognize as a higher source - and that it just happened to be one day after his last login just seems too much of a coincidence too. Well, I called him up yesterday because of this newfound concern, and he did answer, and sounded like normal - said the "I love you" stuff and all of that with emotion and it felt sincere. Then again, he noticed on it having to be late over here - I NEVER heard him talk about the time here - why did he suddenly know what time it was here? He has spent most of our "shared awake hours" being unavailable just to get online when I'm about to go to bed - as if he had no idea that it was in fact as late as it was over here - then he'd act all surprised I had to go to bed.

Another thing that concerned me, which may just be just crazy talk from me (I am kinda insecure and hormonal), is that he also knew that the baby can get american citizenship. He has no idea how I'd go about to get it, but he knew the baby had the right to it. Well, I keep thinking that he is trying to get custody. He is 1. getting a job (in the US, from what I've been told, being a financial support is a main concern in custody cases) 2. knows about the babys ability to come there but nothing about mine 3. he is trying to tell me we dont have to do it all the way its supposed to be, that if I join him over there with the baby "there is no way they would kick you out and leave me with the baby here" - WHY is he taking for granted that if I got deported, the baby was his somehow? sure, for practical reasons it is better for the baby not to travel around, but why was he taking for granted that I'd leave without the baby? But if I get american citizenship for the baby, he will have the law on his side (it acknowledges him as the father, and he signs that he will promise to provide for it until it reaches age 18.) Well, he obviously has a fear of commitment, which makes perfect sense to me knowing what family he comes from - so him ignoring thinking about how to bring me over there could simply be explained with him not wanting to get married, and that is by far the easiest option. Had he joined me here in Sweden, they don't need you to marry. But US law doesn't recognize a relationship unless you are in fact married - having a baby together isn't enough. So he may just be avoiding his own fear of commitment by not thinking about how to bring ME over, and the baby was easy because somehow, that's less commitment.

I think I am growing a little bit paranoid - so I don't know what fears to trust and what fears are legitimate. But I do have a lot of concerns.
Antikythera September 22, 2009 at 2:09am

...And if you have to gear down to someone and you have to deny to someone and you have to pretend to be something other than what you truly are, that is not evolutionary. Allow your deeper thoughts to govern and guide you through this time, and always. In your writing you already know what to do, don't you? Your God will be proud of you for listening to your heart. Wonderful things will rise into place for you~You just have to believe and know Divine Direction will be given to you. Godspeed, Love and Light to you~
Antikythera September 22, 2009 at 2:00am

My dear Charlotte,
I know you are going through a difficult time right now and this may be tough to hear, but you need to just send this man on his way. You are meant to live this life for you, not anyone else. This your life. Especially now that you are bringing a baby into your life you need to find someone who will treat you the way you are meant to be treated, and bring love and light to you and your baby. Take courage and know that you can do this because you deserve the best, as it should be with every aspect of your life! Never keep company with someone who dishonors you-ever, ever! If you are living to capture the attention of an individual then you are dying to your enlightenment for the sake of the comfort of a person who is not equal to you.

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