I have for some months had two ladies in my heart who I have seen a lot and dated. Both extremely beautiful and with great personalities and human qualities in two different ways.
Now I have come to the point where it's getting serious. Both want a serious relationship and I have to choose which one I want for my girlfriend.
So I made my choice and I had to dump one of them.
It made both me and her extremely sad and I haven't been able to perform at work at all and she told me she cried all day at work and got very mad at me.
One of the most terrible things I've ever experienced.
I really love both girls. They are very different and have different qualities and I really don't understand why I can't have both for girlfriends. I know because we have the culture of monogamy which I believe is wrong.
I believe you can love more than one partner at the same time, and I think monogamy is only made by greedy kings of the past who wanted all the women for themselves.
What are your thoughts? I'm very sad about this at the moment.
Replies
Since they attempted this in a monogamous paradigm, especially 25 years ago, there were no support groups or web sites available with options. Today there are many polyamory support groups and numerous web sites as well as therapists that can help folks transcend jealousy and get their needs for intimacy met.
Breakups happen over jealousy in monogamous and polyamorous relationships. Key is to communicate what's happening emotionally and have agreements in place to slow down and always support the primary relationship when exploring going outside the box. Polyamory tends to work for more people than it doesn't.
People change over the course of their lifetimes. They may start out in one lifestyle or even orientation and change. Honor change and allow without shaming others who are seeking to find themselves in this confusing world. Have compassion. Allow them to learn, grow, even stumble and fall.
Statistically we find there are just as many divorces among polys as there are among monogamous folks. Jealous people need to either work on their jealousy or deal with it (as jealousy can happen no matter what kind of relationship you have). Sometimes you don't chose it and it just happens (as in my case when my husband cheated on me). At that time it hurt like hell and I had to deal with it, stay or go. It changed my life. I grew up fast. I moved on, lost everything, had to start over.
There are no guarantees in any kind of relationship. That's probably one of the main reasons there are more single households than couples these days.
If you are monogamous marry and date others who are monogamous. If you are poly, date and marry polys. If you want to change, be prepared to face your demons and have a competent therapist on hand to help you navigate new waters.
Menage a trois.
Cheating destroys whole families. Honesty is the key to any lifestyle. The key is consenting adults. What is consenting is negotiated and agreed upon BEFORE actions are taken that potentially require forgiveness and create drama.
Thanks and you too Avatar
That is a very intelligent question.
I would not have any problem that she loves a different man too. Just as long as she still loves me.
I'm gonna have to remember that one. Great advice. :)
I think that marriage has as an inherent characteristic the quality of "being true" or "faithful" to one's legal spouse. Married people cheat all the time and it is just plain wrong as far as I am concerned. If someone doesn't want to be in an exclusive, committed and monogamous relationship, then one shouldn't be married. I have little respect for those who want to have it both ways. Also, this type of cheating lifestyle cheapens marriage for everyone else in our society. Frankly, I believe marriage is an outdated concept that has for its kin, legal ownership of another person, aka "slavery". But, if two people want this to be recognized both legally and socially, then it is their right, I guess. Even so, it does indeed create two classes of people. As an unmarried person, I have seen the behaviour of married couples who by their actions demonstrate that they have less respect for the instution of marriage than I (an unmarried) do. Not too classy at all, in my opinion. We are living in a time of change. The motto "Love your neighbor, but don't get caught comes to mind. If you don't want to have one true partner and be one true partner, then please respect marriage and don't just use it selfishly and cheapen it for everyone else.
Marriage is being redefined globally as we speak. For some marriage is between 3 or more people. People cheat whether they are single and dating, married and cheating, monogamous or polyamorous. Cheating is wrong. It's a form of lying. Withholding the truth is the same as lying. Gay marriages are now becoming commonly accepted globally. Next step is marriage between 3 or more people. Mormons and Muslims and many indigenous tribes have been practicing polyamory all along. The Western world is simply ignorant of what is actually happening. Genetics show that humans are often mating beyond monogamy. Time for other options for relationships so all may be at choice and not simply following a program that's obviously not working for many.
By the way polyamory opens the path for singles to have more love. Not to mention seniors and those who may not be especially "attractive". If people are not limited to "the one", they will be more inclusive of more and create relationships with those who would otherwise spend most of their lives alone.
Truth, honesty, integrity is important no matter what your relationship contract is.
On the rare occasions where I found myself involved with a "polyamorous" type, that little detail wasn't disclosed untill after the relationship became sexual. One thing that seems common to open marriage enthusiasts is a know-it-all attitude and a history with a lack of responsibility for their sexuality and personal lives.
If you're cheating that's not polyamory. Polyamory is about disclosure up front so all parties are in the know. Cheating is just cheating and cheating's wrong. Open marriage is different than polyamory. Polys form conscious RELATIONSHIPS. Polyamory means loving more than one in an intimate relationship. In other words, some people say they're polyamorous and they're just cheating.
Poly people practice Ahimsa, which means do no harm. That means all parties consent beforehand so on one is left out of the agreement. And that means the partners of potential partners. No cheating. No lying. No sneaking around another person's back. Honesty. Up front. Full disclosure.
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