So you realize you had a verry negative experience in your childhood.
You also realize this negative experience had sutch a impact on you
that you now realize you have not lived but you merely survived.
You have lived a shadow life, being who you are not, pleasing instead of being.
You have changed your natural love for a mechanical survival mode.
You have gone back to the beginning and once again you are alone, wondering
who or witch road to take.
You realize that making a bad choise again is no option, but what do you do?
When realizing you have no real knowledge of how to move on, so you will not get
into the same trap as before.
In the trap of loosing your own love, the love you came here with when born but lost
because there seemed to be no reception on this side. No one to realy schare it with.
Instead you came into a empty cold life, and to survive you had to change into everything that
came your way, so now you are WHO?
A cameleon? Rootless? Un-predictable in a world of rules and bounderies? Lost?
Again you are on the same spot, and no-one is there to schare what you have to give.
Because there is no-one conscious to see-hear-feel-taste-smel what you are trying to bring over.
Here you are silent without motion in the midlle of this big LIE, wondering what to do next...
Who am I and what do i do next?
Where is my own voice?
where is my own thought?
Where is my life?
Where is my birth-right?
What is this? A fresch start or a re-direction into the same shit?
Free from the past...and now where are you? Who are you? What are you?
How do you live from this moment on?
Alone?
Replies
But not being totaly integrated into this frame of living i seem to be standing alone, althought i am shure it s only because i am not looking into the right directions.
Also the island i live on is verry religious and there seems to be no tolerance for other mind sets.
I was warned last week that i should be carefull if i want to do anything, like reunions or opening a spiritual place or even a store with al kinds of books and other stuff. Because of the power of the local churches that do not alow anything that is not related to god or jesus. There is a church on almost every corner here with names that blow your mind.
So i might have to really consider moving to a more accepting and spirtual palce.
I might have a shot a california on a invitation from my sister who lives there i will see.
I had never considered it as a gift more as a burden to carry around .
and indeed lies are not made on purpouse but are because of lack of knowledge.
And because you do not punish a learning child that does things out of ignorance you should
not punish a person for that same reazon.
It shure gets tricky when stuff happens close to home base.
Rigth now i am in a angry position towards myself, for not seeing what was going on in my own house. For going on with something that was based on lies and asumptions.
For some reazon i closed my eyes and wished for the best....lol...and i guess that is what i got.
The best this situation could give nothing more or less.
I know the judging of myself is done by my own Ego towards its own stupidity, for it makes no sense.
Still the jam i am in reaches further than the eye can meet.
manny things i have learned these last few weeks about conditioning, about manipulation, about me being shure i knew it all, shure i was wise enough to drop my guard, shure i had figured my Ego out as the Ego's of others.
Verry wrong i have been, and it has slamed me in the face right now.
I have come to the point where i can not move, i have lost my compas, and am in the dark.
And even if i know deep inside this is to ridiculous to be true i am stuck in it.
I am shure feelings of pride, fear and others are at the base of this problem i am in now, for everything i look at seems to have the same signature in the now as in the future.
And with this ( gift) of seeing the lies after lies after lies....i have lost my strenght and confidence that i will make it through this huge labirinth of lies al around me.
It shure sounds weird when i hear myself, being a person who has traveled and lived in so manny countries, passed through 3 NDE's, had a kundalini awakening that wakked me of my feet, had a re-birth and hundreds of other strange stuf....but still feel lost and smal.
And i am shure it only takes a second of re-calibrating to be on the right track...but right now i seem to not see it.
It seems that every move i make i get deeper and deeper into the shit, althought i have noticed i seem to react faster and see it as it is. The only thing that has not changed yet is my re-action to it all.
I have been trough a ruf few weeks , mostely things i have no control over wich is weird by itself.
And yes it is my choise to go trough these hard times, for i have found it harder to live a lie.
But the more you see the truth the more you see the lies to.
And i am amazed of my own lies and all the lies around me ..even the so called white lies bother me right now,
especially when they are defended by people you love yourself. And because these lies are there your love is useless it is a waste. Ever sinds my first NDE i have strugled with everything i see and hear it does not make sense to me.
People talk about love but when in the presence of it they start to act weird, they get scared, they attack, manipulate it is sickening to be around.
And worst of all they believe they are right. And you are the idiot manipulator who does not get along.
And yes like you mentioned i think about those people killed in WWII and my problem seems to vanish into nothing compared. Do i accept i am love and light? Yes i do...still i am at the beginning of my journey and still i am schaken by the lack of understanding from people around me who say they love me but keep atacking and undermining me.