Part 4

As I mentioned earlier, I do have some "self-defense" measures that I employ. It isn't a disciplined practice by any stretch of the imagination, rather, I go with what works at the time.

For instance, some things I just don't want to remember. Like social security numbers, phone numbers... personal information that some people just seem to blurt out at times without really thinking about it. My memory doesn't really "key in" on numbers, but I can easily memorize them if need be... at the same time, I already have more than enough stuff in my crawling around in mind already. At times like this, I use a self distraction trick. I can focus in on something else for a split second and keep the memory "fractured".

That only works in those very specific instances, and I have had to train myself to do it. I can do it almost automatically, but I do have to keep my guard up.

Other things can be a bit more difficult. At times I do get overwhelmed... overloaded. It gets to be just too damned much to deal with, and my mind can start racing off on crazy tangents.

For a long time, I tried alcohol. I found something that "let me forget", if only for a few hours. To skip all of the obvious reasons that heavy drinking is just a really bad idea, for me it was only a very temporary fix. The memories were still there the next morning... and I would have a hangover as well. It was just bad form. Now, I rarely ever drink... if I do, I am very careful of my state of mind.

I have tried meditation, but without much success. Meditation seems to require a quiet mind... and mine just never is.

I have always found driving to be very cathartic... it helps me decompress. I have always made it a point to live at least 30 minutes away from where I work. That daily 30 minute drive, at times, is how I have managed to stay sane. When I drive, I focus on the road, the car in front of me etc. and let my mind do "its thing" in the background.

Hiking works even better. Outside of "civilization" for awhile... I take the least traversed trails to completely isolate myself as much as possible. I also set out with the idea that I am going to remember every aspect of that hike... every visual, every smell, every sound... by focusing on the hike, I can set my mind loose to do whatever it wants to, without actually thinking. It's abstract and difficult to conceptualize, but that really is the nuts and bolts of how it works.

I find a lot of solace in music, but, again, I have to be careful. Many of my memory triggers are auditory. If a traumatic memory is recalled by hearing a piece of music, then I have to be cognizant of that fact. I can still listen to that piece of music, but in a very guarded manner. There are certain pieces of music that I just can't bring myself to listen to... the memories attached are just far too painful, and I haven't come to terms with them yet. Some music I only listen to when I am alone... not because there are memories attached, but because there aren't... and I am trying to keep it that way. I can use that music as another way to isolate, when I need to.

I am getting ready to call it a night, but I first feel like I need to explain why I have finally decided to "break my silence". It seems things have started to change in a manner that I never expected. It appears that I have started to become an empath, on top of everything else. That little kick in the pants actually started a few years ago, but I didn't understand what it was until recently... and it seems to be getting stronger. That will have to wait at least until tomorrow to start tearing into... if I can figure out where to begin, anyway...

Peace to all :)