Well, so my mom has found out which person I am on here.

If you're reading this, Hi, Mom!

Hahh... she coaxed it out of me.  I'm not entirely willing to divulge my identity, but why does it matter?

Well, one, if she knows who I am, and maybe some of the... less than normal stuff I've talked about on here, well, my irrational fear just goes haywire, apparently for some reason I am afraid that... what?  She'll look at me funny?

Heck, I've done worse things on the internet.  She should know that.

But, the way she dealt with that, was to suddenly blame the people on the internet who had put the... offending material on the internet for the way it affected me.

Honestly, if I had not gone through that "phase" I would certainly not be the person I am today!

The one thing she is worried about is that I'm being brainwashed.  Doing... stupid things.  Making a fool of myself, or joining some sort of fanatical, trash-eating cult.

This is all from my perspective though.

I really don't know what she would think.  What would she say?  What would she do?  My internal fears and worries come to surface in this.

Wow... it's kinda like some sort of release, talking about this.  Opening the flood gates between two adjacent worlds.

Heh, well, there are worse things I could be doing.

But what if participation on here led to a series of thoughts that ultimately led me to do something foolish, in her eyes?

I mean, she's pretty easygoing.  She lets me do my own thing.  She has told me to my face that she'd still love me, albeit be very upset, even if I didn't go to college, which is what she's really really aiming for, alongside all pressure from my dad's side of the family.  She's a pretty smart woman.

So, I'm worried about her censoring me from here.

But why would she do that?

If she detected some sort of link between me doing something radical and this place here.

Radical, like what?

Running away.  Going to an event.  Not going to college, maybe dropping behind in school.

So?  What does it matter?

...

In her experience she has seen that those who fail in school, fail in life.  She was a frickin' social worker, for God's sakes.

Yeah?  And?

And...

Are you afraid that she'll send you off to some psychiatrist?  Or that she'll be stricter with you?  Or that her opinion of you will degrade?

...

Why do you even care?

...

I've... been...

What?

It's...

She might... send me off... because I'm rebellious... or ban me from the computer...

And then your world would fall apart.

...

...or I might not become happy... or healthy... or have a good life...

And so what?  People have been through much worse shit than you're looking at.

...

See, and these are your insecurities.

...

Are you afraid that you'll be labeled crazy?

...

Insane?  Sent off to a ward?  Or maybe she'll shun you and it'll lead to a series of events that ends with you dead in a gutter?

...

The only thing you have to fear...

...

...is fear itself.

...

Do you see what I am getting at?

It's your goddamn life.

...

You get to do whatever the hell you want to with it.

...

And I think you have not really fully accepted this yet.

...

Shun the facade, end the charade.  You are lying to yourself, and you are letting others control you.  How many times have you talked about that yourself?  Your fears are the only things holding you back from doing anything, anything at all.

...

I know this is coming as a shock to you, but I think it's time you fully realized this.

...

But... if I weren't... If I weren't I, who would I be?

... don't you see?  You never needed to be someone.

...what?

You never needed to be successful.  You never needed to be respected.

...

It's been ingrained within you.  It's your conditioning, it's what you've been taught to do.

...

It's what you have been told to look for.  It's where you have been pointed.

...

Too long you have gone down the road that others have chosen for you.

...

It's time you make it for...

...

...yourself.

...

Go down the road that you choose!  Whether it be the long, wearied road, or the one less traveled by..

...

...it's your path, and your path only.

...

Others may intersect it at junctions and crossways and byways and sometimes just by sheer accident.

...

There will be ups, and there will be downs.  There will be tree roots to trip you, and streams to rest by.

...

There will be blue skies, and there will be dark clouds.

...

There will be bandits, who will steal all you thought precious save your life, and there will be those who will stand you back on your feet again, as you lie there in a bloody pulp.

...

There are those who will care for you, and there are those will share with you, and there are those who will simply happen to be walking side by side with you.

...

There will be cliffs, and there will be mountains.  There will be great rivers, and deep valleys, there will be poison berried bushes, there will be apple trees.

...

There will be the shortcuts taken by others, who remain forever lost for their attempt at cheating their path, not able to find their true path until they go back through what they cheated.

...

And...

,,,

in the end...

...

you will find your way.

...

What that place is, no one knows.  Only you can find it.

...

And eventually, once you have found it, you will start again, seeking a new goal.

...

Life is a journey, and not a destination.

...

What is the purpose?  Well, there are philosophers who ruminate on the end, on the beginning, on the middle.

...

There are those who are leaders, who gather together bands, armies, nations together in a search for an unknown goal.

...

Will you be part of that crowd?

...

Will you let others persuade you to go where they want you to go?

...

Will you let them, under even threat of death, tell you what your path is?

...

If you do...

...

then you are truly not on your path.

...

You must find it yourself.

...

You only have the road you have worked with to go on.

...

If it seems to be your path, go for it.

...

But if there is even one iota of doubt that you are not going where you should really go...

...

you must pursue it.  Otherwise, you betray yourself for eternity.

...

So, go forth, and not let others hold you back!  Let not others keep you in fear of finding your own way!  Let them not stop you, even with the fear of death!

...

But before you do that...

...

you must know it yourself.

...

If you truly have control over yourself, then what others say to you becomes of no importance.

...

And to have control over yourself...

...

well...

...

that is something you must fight for.

...

Because, as is already evidenced by our conversation here, you have let others take control of you.

...

And they will not relinquish it willingly.

...

You must fight back against your oppressors, in whatever form they are.

...

Be it in thought, in mind, in body, or in soul,

...

you are not made to be a slave.

...

No one is.

...

In a technical sense, you could say that, since what you are is energy, or the soul, energy in its very nature is not meant be bottled up.

...

So you are not meant to be contained.

...

You are not meant to be simply used by someone else to be flung at something, be it a goal or another soul.

...

You are a sentient being.

...

And you must use that.

...

If you do not, then you are just another lame bundle of energy, to be used to move something.

...

There is some quality of sentience, that can't be quite explained.

...

It is the thought of free will.

...

And that, once given free will, a bundle of energy is not... quite the same.

...

For some reason, those bundles of energy given free will, they do not simply go about and disperse.

...

They... collect, they bundle, they become matter.

...

And at some point, they just... do their own thing.

...

I suppose I'll end here.  I think you get what I mean.

...yeah.

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