Spiritual Forum

Cunt, fuck, shit, bugger, arse, bastard, bitch, dildo Baggins, cock porridge, rim job. If anyone of these words offend you please stop reading now. It’s nothing personal between you and me, I just don’t want to tarnish your opinion of myself. You and me have a difference of opinions, and I know you won‘t enjoy reading my opinion just like I wouldn‘t enjoy hearing yours, so we‘ll just shake hands and hug it out here and I‘ll see you some other time. Nice hair by the way, love your face… 

Oh and twat… If you don’t like twat please leave now.

As for the rest of you CONGRATULATIONS! YOU MADE IT! You’re not a complete moron. You are not offended by tiny little words. You are not someone who is trying to change the world because you get upset by the sound of a syllable. But you are someone I’m very likely to get on with.

I love swearing. I think swearing is fucking awesome. All swear words are great. They express everything you could never express with normal words. They can describe anything: pain, joy, happiness, anguish, love, hate and Tim Burton. I’ve been swearing since I was about 6 years old when I moved to Fife. Everyone swears in Fife, it’s like a law. If you by a keyboard from Fife you will notice that there are no spacebars, just the word “fucking.” I did a gig in Fife where I thought I did well. I thought the guy gave me a 4 star review, turns out he was just calling me a dick.

But clichéd jokes aside, swearing is fantastic. I fully agree that once upon a time swearing may have been offensive. That time is not now. Years ago swearing may have been offensive because of the intent behind the swearing, it wasn’t the actual words that were offensive but the fact that someone was so angry or upset that they used these words. And it was the emotion behind the swearing that made it upsetting. 

Nowadays that is not the case. “Fuck me, that was a lovely bit of steak that was,” a phrase my dad uses often. That is not an offensive statement, unless you’re a vegetarian in which case you have other problems. “I feel like shit”. Again, not an offensive statement. 

 But people will moan “Oh, you didn’t have to say shit. You could have say ‘I feel bad’ or ‘I feel like heck’. Why didn’t you?” Why? Because I don’t want to sound like Ned fucking Flanders. I don’t want to sound pathetic. People who substitute words for swear words make a stronger case for swearing that I ever could. “Oh fiddle sticks!” - you sound like a fucking twat.

Contrary to popular belief, swearing is funny. It is big and it is clever. Stephen Fry does it and he is both. Swearing is fucking hilarious. One of my favourite things about watching stand up when I was five wasn’t the clever jokes I didn’t get, not the sexual references I wouldn’t understand for a couple of years (still don’t know what a clitoris is… probably a myth) it was the fact that Jack Dee would say “fuck” or “shit” or “that was fucking shit” I would squeal with laughter at this. But why did I find it so funny? Why wasn’t I horrendously upset? Why wasn’t I immediately writing into OFCOM to let them know I had nothing else better to do with my day? Oh that’s right. It’s because I wasn’t a miserable, selfish, narrow-minded, old cunt.

 I believe the only reason people are upset by swearing now is because when you’re five years old your mother hands you a piece of paper with 10 words on it and says “If anyone says these words. I want you to be sad, OK?” And we are. We have it built into our system. “Only bad boys and girls use those words,” and we get punished for when we do use them. Why? Because some people are upset by it? No… because the adults are upset by it. Isn’t it a tad ironic that you don’t get upset or offended by things until you become and adult, and then you decide to protect the children from these things in case they get upset, even though you know fine well they don’t. You just think other people will be upset by these words. Not you. Not your kids. Other people who you‘ve never met. You don‘t want to upset them, just in case. Why? Why not upset them? They‘re offended by swearing. I‘m offended by them. Fuck em (not literally, they‘re all stuck up prudes). These same adults who will tell you “sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.” Oh wait, that was Rihanna. Shit, she says that… Unless you listen to the radio edited version of her song where they bleep out those horrible obscenities of “whips” and “chains” (really?!?!?! That’s offensive?!?!) Now I just make up my own words. Sometimes she’s like a little old lady, she gets excited by “tea” and “biscuits”. Other times she’s just plain weird and enjoys “penguins” and “bendy straws”. Anyway, these adults always say “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me”. Then what happens? The second you call Garry Todd a dickhead for spilling your Irn Bru you get punished… IT WAS MY IRN BRU AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN WANT ANY GARRY!!

Don’t get me wrong I think too much swearing can be bad (not really, I have to say that so I don‘t sound like a total bell end). But not in the way that I think it’s overkill, just in the way that I think that it’s bad if someone uses any word too many times. Like “really” and “like.” “I was really like, really excited for this like band to come on and they were like really late and I was reeeaalllly drunk” is a sentence that offends me more than “Go fuck yourself.” But the right amount of swearing? Aww, it’s sublime. It can be better than sex. It can be used during sex. “GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! WHO THE SHIT ARE YOU?” (kidding). But look at Billy Connolly, Jack Dee and Michael McIntyre. They all swear. Does it make them less funny? No, not even slightly. It enhances the comedy, when they swear it adds extra detail to the joke. Lets you know how pissed off the were or how annoying that one guy was.

Don’t let people tell you swearing is offensive. My gran always said it showed I had a limited vocabulary? How? I’m using 10 more words than you! But these old people, they’ll convince you eventually and that’s what happens. Form your own opinion. If someone says “fuck” if you’re natural reaction on your own is to gasp or look away then I’m sorry. It’s too late for you and I’m sorry for this blog which I imagine has got your panties in quite a bit of a twist. But if you giggle, if you smile or even if you just skim over it and don’t pay it any attention. Thank you. Honestly. You are awesome. You are brilliant. In the words of Stephen Fry. They’re only cunting fucking words."

- Daniel Sloss