Spiritual Forum

I've been on my spiritual journey for about a good 3 years now.  Lately, I've been finding myself at a loss with my development...

Meditation has become more difficult.  I was once at a point where I could meditate and find my focus within a good thirty minutes, now I feel like something is keeping me from reaching this point.  (I am a mother of two children, but I wait until nap time or bedtime for meditation, however, even then, I may not be able to meditate...so I cannot do this daily like I would like to..)

Another thing is that I have been unable to remember my dreams, yet I will wake up once or twice in the night and I am tired nearly everytime I awake(whether my kids awaken me or I awaken naturally)

I am dealing with a situation in my life which is very similar to a situation I once caused with my parents -now, I feel that I am playing the role of my parent and the issue is a form of myself.  I have come to the conclusion that this has come because I need to learn another lesson from a situation of this nature- yet I have to play the role my parents played for me to learn this..

I believe I am a star child, so I believe that everything happens for a reason and every instance that occurs has a lesson for me to learn..but I feel that I am having difficulty speaking to my Higher Self.  I can't say I have before...but I would like to know how to call upon my guide and truly communicate with it.  I would like to know how any others began speaking to their guides.  How did you know it wasn't just in your mind?

One more thing is that I am quite confused about who I am and why I am here...

I had an average family as a young child, but as I grew, it seemed my parents wished for me to remain young so they unknowingly sheltered me from a lot of things.  Such as wearing what I want to express myself, listening to the music I wanted to because it was very different from what my family liked, etc.  Just trying to fit in, but realizing I was a black sheep in my family.  All the way down to my thoughts and how I comprehend things. 

At a young age, I was able to intellectually speak to my mother when my brother made bad decisions and upsetted her.  My brother was a troublemaker..was very negative towards my family and I..he bullied me from second grade up until I graduated.

I feel that my teenage rebellion was an outlet of all that bottled anger..

There's plenty more to that, but I don't want to put my whole life out there.

All in all, I had a difficult life.  Not in the way that we didn't have our necessities, but in the way that there was no acceptance, and if there was, it was masked acceptance.

Things just seem to continue to spiral for me.  Be it with friends or with family, and my body has been feeling very stressed or drained unless I sit outside and watch the wind, the trees, and the sky. 

I'm wondering if anyone else is experiencing constant difficulties in their lives that continually cause them to wonder why they are here on Earth.

When I feel that way, I do ask, "Why am I here?  Why do I have to experience this?" but I then begin to feel a Will growing in the center of my body.  Perhaps a light of some sort, that tells me I am here observing, here to find the answers to Light, Love, and Peace.

Is this just my mind?  Or is this my soul refusing to give up?

Thanks to everyone~

Light, Love, and Peace to all.