Not being fulfilled in relationship...

I kno alot has to do with finding self love, but i try and try to give loving thoughts and actions to show lots of love an understanding to my significant other, and sometimes i get some back, but its the little things...which arent so little to me. Do unto others as u would have done unto u..i live by that motto, he mite say to me "What do you want from me?!?" just what you would expect from me, if you wouldnt want me to do or say these things then obviously I dont want them done to me...simple. What do u do when your being lied to about things like an X-wife calling you to come hang out behind your back, or, when you happen to have the others fone for the day and the ex leaves messeges when supposedly they NEVER call... i think its lifes way of finding a way to let me kno whats goin on behind my back, but i try to forgive and trust again and it happens again, how do i not think "what else is it i dont kno of?" Im thankful for the energies bringin forth info for me but how do u deal? Just this morning i brought up the ex in a beniegn way and i get hos and hums but nothing solid. i feel like if she called and wanted to drinks and hang out, and there wouldnt be any consaquences, he would jump on it. i feel like i have no loyalty from him. its not loyalty that keeps him from doin it, its punishment. he gets drunk and says "why cant i hang out with her?" and you mite wonder also. i dont trust him. he has lied so much about this situation and kept things from me that i dont. All i ever asked for was him to b honest about it and he hid things from the get go. I dont kno how to handle the situation from a enlightened standpoint, i forgive him over and over talk to him about "do unto others...." but i feel like he just works harder to hide things. Now dont get me wrong he is one of the sweetest men i kno which is why its hard to just say goodbye but other times i feel like i would be happier if i did......His words say one thing but his attitude and actions say another, i feel like the consolation prize hes stuck with because of certain life situations HE'S stuck in. any light on the subject would b great. thank you for listening.

all of this was discussed in the beginning. he said he was in love with me for a long time. his wife left him for another, she had an affair. i offered up front that if he wanted to try to work things out with her i would help where i could, i was both of thier friends in the beginning, they just went for a divorce on new years eve and at that time i offered one last time for him to change his mind. now its not that i think he wants to go and cheat whenever he gets the chance cause i kno if someone wants to they will. i think alchohol will lower his resistance. this woman was sooo mean and demeaning to him she mite as well castrated the man, she said she hated his children, why would he want to be involved with her?..I kno noone has the rite to dictate who or what we do i dont do that really i just want it to not b secretly because secretly means theres IS something to hide. If your not doing wrong then there should b no reason to hide it. If it was me id tell the truth and if there is repracussions then its on the other person cause i was truthful....nothing to hide. even her own girlfriend says she cant trust her as far as she can throw her. P.S. i will check out that website i appreciate all the feedback and understanding. it has made me feel low self esteem which only feeds the insecurities...its a vicious circle!!

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Replies

Merryn February 7, 2010 at 9:21pm

You are in a tricky situation Star Spirit. He obviously wants contact with the ex and there is unfinished business there. The unhealthy aspect as I see it is that his actions are being controlled out of fear. This includes him hiding stuff from you. Maybe he is right that there would be negative consequences from you if he didn't hide things. So on the one hand it seems reasonable for you to request honesty, but on the other hand, not if he would be punished for it. Something that springs to mind is the saying "what you resist, persists; what you look at, disappears". I guess it will come down to what your bottom lines are in terms of what you want in a relationship.
- StarSpirit67 > Merryn February 8, 2010 at 12:09pm
  
  You r soo rite and thank you for the objective opinion, if you read some of the conversation with little feather it addresses some of what u say also. i dislike being a person of control cause so much of my life was controlled by another...its all about chioce. i just dont want to be played, been that before just lookin out for my heart and it took over...
- 3rfl3nfqndi4s > Merryn February 7, 2010 at 11:16pm
  
  This, of course, is your choice, totally, Star Spirit. I just know myself well enough that I would rather not be in a relationship AT ALL than be in one, especially, an intimate relationship in which I could not trust my partner wholeheartedly. I feel I have the "right" to that, as I am totally trustworthy. I am not a liar, so, why would I attract one? This, of course, is my way of seeing experiences.
  
  To each his own?
  - StarSpirit67 > 3rfl3nfqndi4s February 8, 2010 at 3:01am
    
    Thank you so much and u r rite it is a chioce im making by stayin and putting up with it in my life. i dont kno why i cant seem to break away maybe there is something i need to learn (and apply) to my life. i see yet i change nothing...i should learn self love and appreciation for all that i am, i am over weight and i think that has alot to do with my insecure feelings, things werent like this in the beginning cause i was more secure with myself physically and mentally but i lost my job and then things began to change for me..brought me down a bit. Mom died and since then im dealing with alot of emotions and i guess i just needed someone all for me..i have to learn that i need to be the love i want to get. thank you again sooo much, its nice to talk about it with ppl of open minds. Namaste!!
    - 3rfl3nfqndi4s > StarSpirit67 February 8, 2010 at 3:24am
      
      Good, girl. You're on the right track now......for your highest good. I made up my mind several years ago that I needed to Love myself (not in an egoic way) enuff that I wouldn't NEED another to Love me. When I made that decision is when I attracted the wonderful partner I now have, and if I can do it, you can too. You go, Girl!!!
      - StarSpirit67 > 3rfl3nfqndi4s February 8, 2010 at 12:04pm
        
        yea when i first got with him i was single for awhile feelin good, havin fun with friends with no one to "report to' per say,and from the last relationship i walked away feeling the same way, i dont need someone to love me, i started to love myself, i jokenly said " im a better me when i dont have someone to worry about" and maybe didnt give myself time to grow that seed before i harvest the thought..( can u tell im waiting for Springtime? LOL) Self love is the answer, i kno, when u love yourself all else falls into place....GOTTA GET THAT BACK!!!...Thank you again.
Vagelis4VP February 7, 2010 at 6:15pm

If you are bothered because he has still "strings" attached to ex's or other persons, just tell him so,
and if he dont change his ways, you either show him the door, or if hes too charming for you to do this, you just pretend not to see, an keep on going the same way with him....
Or you find other persons to play too, and tell him, its ok... you like to play in many tables, but i play in many tables too...no problem....
It not that hard...its just a decision....about what you want to do!!!
The point is, that its NOT, how the other people act, or what they do... but how we handle the certain
situations that we have to deal with...
Nobody is doing anything to us...its what WE do to/for ourselves...
- StarSpirit67 > Vagelis4VP February 7, 2010 at 10:00pm
  
  all of this was discussed in the beginning. he said he was in love with me for a long time. his wife left him for another, she had an affair. i offered up front that if he wanted to try to work things out with her i would help where i could, i was both of thier friends in the beginning, they just went for a divorce on new years eve and at that time i offered one last time for him to change his mind. now its not that i think he wants to go and cheat whenever he gets the chance cause i kno if someone wants to they will. i think alchohol will lower his resistance. this woman was sooo mean and demeaning to him she mite as well castrated the man, she said she hated his children, why would he want to be involved with her?..I kno noone has the rite to dictate who or what we do i dont do that really i just want it to not b secretly because secretly means theres IS something to hide. If your not doing wrong then there should b no reason to hide it. If it was me id tell the truth and if there is repracussions then its on the other person cause i was truthful....nothing to hide. even her own girlfriend says she cant trust her as far as she can throw her. P.S. i will check out that website i appreciate all the feedback and understanding. it has made me feel low self esteem which only feeds the insecurities...its a vicious circle!!
- 3rfl3nfqndi4s > Vagelis4VP February 7, 2010 at 8:28pm
  
  Excellent advice, Shelly. And, I would like to add: "If you Love someone, let them go; if they return to you then they are yours.....if not, then they never were." However, I this is a long ago quote, and I will add that NO ONE belongs to another. The only person each belongs to is themself.
  
  Most certainly agree with what you said, Shelly, about free will. If Creator gives us free will, who is "man" to take it from us? Ain't gonna happen with me. :))))))
  
  Starspirit, I wish you the best in your "trying" situation. You will find in the end, however, it's a great growth experience.
- 3rfl3nfqndi4s > Vagelis4VP February 7, 2010 at 6:27pm
  
  Just one question: How much can you endure from him without losing your Self-esteem and Self respect? Given this situation myself, I would wonder exactly WHY he is doing what he is doing? Does he prefer to be with her rather than me? For every question we have, there is an answer.