Spiritual Forum

And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14

Who knows what fathers are good for! I have still yet many difficulties with my father. We live in total different worlds. When I was young I imagined I would make all things different than my father did. Only to discover that I and he are more alike than I could ever imagine...

I failed in my marriage and got divorced. I failed raising my two girls because I was mostly absent. I failed in most my father did not. Outwardly I am a bad son. My father and I have not any warm hearted relation. We remain strangers to each other till this day...

Shall I curse myself? Am I doomed living a life of misery? Is there a predestination getting excluded from experiencing real love?

It was for centuries that I was struggling for my father´s love till I got tired, tired from struggling and exposing an image of mine that was not according to myself, to who I really am. I became a father murderer and killed my father.

Maybe the opposite is true that I killed myself, who knows which way. And I went through a process of resurrection. I could see how all the pieces of my life were like single cornerstones helping me to understand and see.

Three close friends from my childhood died. One fell off an stairway being drunken. The second was found dead right besides a highway. The third one had multiple sclerosis. I was with him right before he terribly died holding his hands and praying.

Then my mother died, and I could listen to her final heart beat and closed her eyes.Then my grantparents and my very close godmother.

And my father played the iron man. Six month after my mother passed he had another girlfriend (which I, btw, admire).

Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
²     Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy. Psalm 130

Besides studying philosophy and theology, I accompanied dying pople and buried countless of them over the years. I really don´t know how I came to this strange honour. And many of those I buried had commited suicide. Nobody will ever get to know how often I had to puke from the terrible images I saw. By this I got saved from committing suicide by myself - I was really attracted to do it very often.

Dealing with dying ones allowed me to look deep into things I never expected. I saw the fragility of feeble humans. A lady who loved me waited till I arrived in the hospital - five minutes later she took her last breath, and I, holding her head, encouraged her to let go, I whispered in her ears to have courage, and she sighed a final Yes, and I kissed her forehead...

Humans are really feeble and fragile creatures, so close to life and death. When death is present, all sophisticated folderol appears vain and empty. There appears only one proper revelation which can meet the obvious. Love. Nothing else, but love...

I have killed my father, I have killed God, I have all killed around me, maybe I have killed myself - not bodily of course, but to a certain extend I killed. I have killed, in order to undergo a resurrection. I have begun to encounter my father at eye level. And so I encounter even God - at eye level. I do it because I can´t do otherwise. In my view it comes from looking into the dimensions of love.

With this I encounter my father knowing we both have come a long way. And both we can´t do other than the experiences taught us to do as we do and see. Eyes level is the beginning of love emanations letting evolve freely.

I have come to see God in feeble and fragile humans. And feeble and fragile as they are, they are a divine creation. And in all limits and boundaries there lies always a lock waiting for a key. The universal key is love...

And the way of love finding a home in someone is more than exciting, I guess...