If you go through my profile and look at some of the stuff I've written, both on my profile and my discussions/blogs...you can maybe get a sense of my sensitivity and innocence when I wrote them. I didn't have the view and feelings I'm about to share with you below.
From summer 2009 up until summer 2013 my life was pretty much just going through awakening. Allot of reading, LSD trips, meditation, discovering marijuana, watching documentaries, A-ha moments, learning about consciousness, atoms and empty space, ups, downs, joys, bliss, anxieties, sadness, bizarreness, wow's and allot of what the f*cks..
From summer 2013 up until this very day, I feel sever anger...I get so angry and so mad that I verbally abuse people I love in the most insane way! I get so mad, sooo mad that I can start beating myself with closed fists, throwing punches in my own face because I get so frustrated over things I can't control. At the same time I'M PERFECTLY AWARE that I can't control it, I need to let go. BUT I CANT! and thats whats really making me mad.
I've changed behavior insanely. I used to be peaceful, drawing back from drama, anger and negativity, I would be the one giving advice, calming others down due to my calm and relaxed energy...but just in a couple of months starting from summer 20013.. I can get physically and verbally abusive towards myself and others. I don't meditate as much as I used to, I have a sense of lost faith in my higher self and the universe but at the same time I switch in and out as the observer which is neutrally observing my ego and this body. I feel like there is 2 persons inside of me, one just always standing in the background observing the one that is actually interacting with this world.
I know some would say its the higher self or what ever but..I can really feel something, someone inside my head and body observing meeeeeee. I can be like "F*ck you, you stupid piece of sh*t, you did that on purpose to hurt me, I hate you, I'm gonna leave you yapp yapp yapp" to someone I love and than 5 minuts later, I go like "hmmm..that was an interesting behavior towards that person, why did I say that?" to myself...
I've started to judge myself in a bad way, I'm feeling dark and heavy, I'm feeling lost and insecure, I've lost my way, I've started taking heavy interest in material wealth resulting in me gambling all my money away..I long so bad for tranquility and peace. I feel paranoid, there is no trust at all in anyone, specially my girlfriend and dad for some reasons..I've never felt what I'm feeling these days, it's so strange and weird...My mother says she doesn't know me anymore, shes always commenting on me not being in the moment, not smiling anymore, not talking to her or spending quality time. I feel tired and afraid of the future..there is no light in me anymore :(
I can't stand or tolerate people who just talk about spirituality and I can sense spiritual ego from a 100 miles away..I don't believe anything I read on spiritual science, I've lost interest in documentaries, gurus and wise people like Mooji, Osho etc...I feel like nothing is legit anymore, I can't believe in anything just cause someone said it. Before I could to a degree...but now, I CANT TOLERATE the slightest of BULLSH*T. Before I thought I could connect the dots and I would think and visualise and try to find answers, now I'm CONSTANTLY ABOUT not knowing anything! I dont now how I feel, I dont know what I want, I dont know what to do, I dont know were I'm headed, I dont know if I love my girlfriend that I've dated for 7-8 months, I dont know if I'm able to tolerate an evening with my bestfriend..I dont know whats right or whats wrong, I dont know why I do some of the things I do or why I dont do some of the things I dont do, If I'm supposed to do it or not do it...its allot of " I dont knows"
Deep down, I still feel that all of this is just a phase, maybe a cleansing, its part of something greater..but I cant figure what. Is anybody else going through the same stuff?
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Replies
Please stop with the lsd. I know someone who ended up in a mental hospital from taking it. The doctors told her that her mental illness (which came on VERY suddenly) was a direct result of taking lsd and that she would likely be scizophrenic for arount 25 years. Sit in a quiet room comfortably and concentrate on your breathing. Every time you are aware of your thoughts roaming bring it back to your breathing. You will find your thoughts roaming frequently. Try to do this every day for 15-20 mins. It will calm you down eventually and help raise your vibrations. Good luck XX
That's your view not mine.
We all have experienced what you are experiencing. It will pass. Just don't put yourself in a position where you will be forced to carry luggage around from these moments for a long time due to lack of control. You are unfortunately responsible for your actions.
...Your Probably Right....Could Be Cleansing....Ive Been Through....So Many Ups n Downs....In The Past....Ive Lost Count
Lol....Dont Resist....Just Go Through It....All Will Work Out....In The End... Things Get Easier....As You Go Along.......Hugz Hop....x.....
... ;) Life, funny thing sometimes: it takes you up then down, left then right ... then suddenly stops (seemingly), probably to rest, evaluate where you are right now, how much is 'yours' and how much is 'of others' ... finding your self among all of this is exactly what you are going through. It's like pealing the layer of cabbage to get to the core "symptom' ... and there is no quick fix nor cure for that process, i agree with you Hopi that it's a phase, and 'resistance is futile' ... however even in this you still have some sense of self-discipline You are aware what is happening. Maybe not by controlling, but observing it ... and see if the same 'feeling' come back, or are they different?
I have some experiences similar to yours recently actually exactly the time you mentioned; it comes just out of 'blue' - i call it 'split personality' ... lol ... i know it's not funny, but my sanity is 'my sense of humor' or an anchor to some degree, there are some other things that i call my 'center' or something that holds me together, helping me to step back when i need to.
The whole point that you put all of that in writing and aware about it, and also brave enough to talk about it - i would say it is one step to something? So take a deep breath in and out a few times ;)