Spiritual Forum

Dear brothers and sisters...

I love reading all your posts, and feeling the love and unity that comes through. It's good to know that, while there is still so much negativity in the world, there are still people like you who share light and kindness. So thank you all!

I am in a bit of a weird place at the moment. Everyone seems to have such different ideas about what's going to happen, it's difficult to know who knows what, where people get their information from, and what to believe. And I know that some would say that I should just listen to what resonates with me, which is all well and good, but if something resonates with me but doesn't with other people, and vice versa, who's to say what is and isn't true?

It's strange. I've never felt truly right in this world, I feel a bit lost and disconnected, and I'm far too easily depressed by the terrible things that happen. I just want everyone to be happy, and secure, and loving, regardless of creed, race or colour. I'm sure I'm not alone, I'm sure everyone else here feels similar. I often wonder whether this is my first incarnation on this planet, whether I'm more used to a different kind of existence. I ache to fly away, I feel weighed down by my body and the cares of the world a lot of the time.

Almost everyone here seems to have a deeper understanding of things than I do. Perhaps I am a very young soul, I honestly don't know. I wish I could channel, or that I had met our space brothers and sisters and could remember it. My whole life I've been searching for something I could believe in, something that could give me hope and the knowledge that the suffering that so many experience in this world isn't pointless. And I'm slowly getting there, feeling my way forward and reaching my own conclusions about spirituality and the meaning of existence, but it's a long, hard journey.

I am terrified of life, and the uncertainty of the future. I'm not one of those people who can "live in the moment" - my mind is constantly looking forward and worrying about potential outcomes. I'm currently studying a degree in creative writing; and, while I love writing, the real reason I enrolled on this course was so I could delay thinking about the future for another three years. (I have two left.) Kind of sad, huh? I figured that 2012 would have come and gone by the time I graduate, so if something big is going to happen that might completely change the game I might not HAVE to think so much about what I will do with my life afterwards because anything could be possible by then.

I want to help people. I want to be happy. I want children someday. I want to relax, but nothing really seems to help with that at the moment. (I suffer from a form of social anxiety disorder where I feel as though I am in a bright spotlight whenever I am out in public. Some days it's alright, I can almost forget about it. Some days it's worse. It's just one of those demons I have to conquer, I guess. I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this to be honest, but it feels good to put it into words.)

I think what I'm trying to say is I'm afraid. Deeply, deeply afraid, and I don't even know why. I'm afraid that 2012 will come and go and that nothing will change, and all I've hoped for and dreamed about will collapse and I will go back to having nothing to believe in. I keep searching for something that will remove all of my doubts. I just think that if I could SEE a ufo with my own eyes, or if I received some kind of message, I would feel a lot better. But I never have, and I don't think I possess the spiritual maturity so many here seem to - I'm not remotely psychic; I have incredibly vivid dreams every night, but they don't give me any particular messages that I can discern.

I'm just ME - unsure, scared and confused. The great thing about this place is I know I can say these things without fear of judgement. So, once again, thank you all. I don't really know what the point of this was, other than to get things off my chest. But perhaps this is the best place for it?

Love and light to you all x