Short of old dark energys coming from childhood traumas, ancestor's events and karma, my EGO is the thing that holds me back the most from leading a happy life.
I realized years ago that, everytime I "got" something precious, the joy and / or satisfaction vanished sooner or later, usually making room for fear of losing the same thing. This happened for
- material things, which usually got boring after a while
- money, which led to the fear of losing it
- a relationship, which turned into drama caused by fear of losing my freedom / or by losing the partner / or both ;)
- a skill, which got boring because now I was some kind of master in it - nothing left to strive for
- a privilege, which brought about tremendous fear of losing it again ...
So, I looked for every kind of relief, for a purpose in life ... and some things came to me, one of them being "spiritual development" in many different kinds.
Now, I was really on the right way! And months later I regarded myself as a "spiritual seeker", one who "found the way". Guess what happened? This was just a new form of the old EGO, bringing unhappyness in my life.
Later I found out, that this world was not as it seemed, found all that stuff that's been going on ... what an amazing discovery! Now, everything was different, because now ... I was sombody who "knows". And I could tell all the other people who didn't know, that I was somebody who "knows"! That felt good ... for a little moment, you know the story ...
The Ego is clever. And it is OK, that I have an Ego. It's even OK to show it to other people.
But I'm watching it. And then I'm able to make some changes and find out how that feels.
Sometimes small things make really a difference ...e.g. how I treat other people in everyday life:
A few days ago I started to be respectful and courteous to other people using the same sidewalk or street as me, e.g. understanding that somebody might be in a hurry and making room for them. Yes, I did this before, I'm no rowdy or somehing ... But now it's not because someone told me to be friendly ... but it now comes from a position of understanding the other human, comes more from the core of myself. And it changed my environment - well, people smiling at me, young ladies, you know ... ;)
Or being friendly to the evidently hard-working salesclerk in the shop at the corner ... even to the tax adviser who took me for a ride (which does not impede to be firm in business!).
And the miraculous thing is ... this is really a great one ... hold your breath: I can be actually kind to my Mom, even if we have a different opinion. ;) It's possible. And it feels good.
Have a nice day
Thomas
(I'm not an English native, so some things might sound weird to your "ears")
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