My journey thus far

It's been a while since I last wrote anything on here, so, here I am, back to writing yet another blog post. It's been a confusing road for me, but somehow, managed to see glimpses of hints into this dense fog which helped me approximately figure out where I stand right now and what it may be. The one thing that's been an important lesson for me to help me make another step forward was learning to trust my intuition and not my head. Funny how every time I listened to my head, I failed. That's not to say I am stupid, necessarily, although, I am aware I'm no genius, nor do I really want to be, but intuition's always been right. 

Yes, lesson number one in 2012 for me was listening to my intuition no matter what. It not only helped me avoid or get out of trouble, but also, it helped me in my spiritual path. It helped me realize things that had been confirmed later on, things I initially had doubted, but now I know better. 

Lesson two was getting rid of fear, and this stays. Actually, all of them stay, they all have their little sublessons that I probably will have to learn for the rest of my life. But this one, this one has been my biggest obstacle. Fear. Fear has always been my greatest problem: fear of unknown, fear of lack of security, fear of danger, fear of confusion and uncertainty. As someone who's grown up fearing lack of security and danger, it's been a very big challenge for me to get a grasp of this and keep it under control, much less eliminate it out of my system. There was nothing in the world that scared me more than the thought of future. Although I think about the future a lot, worry about it too, I must admit that I hate thinking about it, I hate that I think about it, but can't help it. This includes my spiritual progress process, when I don't know where I stand, my mind goes out of control and invades me with all kinds of ''What Ifs'', obssessive ''What Ifs''. I can't shut it down, or up. lol And this leads me to the next important lesson.

Lesson three, learning to shut my mind up and stop questioning everything to the point where I confuse myself to the point of panic and constant worry. I've learned that questioning everything will confuse me more, and will detract me from the important things I actually need to focus on. And then, suddenly, the lightbulb lit up, oh my god, the answer is actually very simple! 

Lesson four, learning to stop questioning, which will increase doubts within myself and will make me doubt my own Inner self, which will push me to look for answers where I shouldn't and where there are none for me: Outside. Basicly, learning to trust my intuition and, stop questioning and as a result, stop doubting. This is a combination of all the other lessons above. I perceive the doubts and questioning as a form of fear, a fear failing, but ironically, this fear itself is what detracts me from what I actually need to learn and do.

Finally, another lesson I perceived as a challenge: Paranoia mixed with fear. This one is another big one for me, because, even as a child, I've been afraid of the dark and have been aware of the spirit world. Of course, I didn't think it all in these terms, but having had my imagination filled with fear of demons and evil spirits and ghosts and religious paranoia, it's stuck to the back of my mind, which this made me paranoid and fearsome. Although I'm an adult now, I must say I'm still afraid of the dark. I just don't like it. Add to that the fact that I am extremely sensitive to energies around, I can feel another presence and even see, it hasn't helped me alienate my fears. I haven't always been this spiritual, although, I always had it in me. So, some might say that the paranoia might just create all these illusions to reinforce my fear. Umm yeah, there might be some truth to that, but as a teenager and in my early 20s, I wasn't much into all this, leaned more like on the realist side and I didn't even believe in ghosts or an afterlife for a while, especially after I got away from the clutches of the religion that I came out of. It felt good to be free. It came to a point where I actually started to doubt that there is even a God. I remember myself hearing of certain people saiyng that God is not a person, but an energy and it's everywhere. I thought to myself, what the hell is this? But somehow, I deep down felt that something about that makes sense and rings true. I was very confused so I prefered to not dwell in this. Until I had the involuntary, sudden astral projection at 19, and that's when my life changed, not to mention my views. Somehow I thought that maybe this was just a physical, medical thing, which I don't necessarily doubt it, it does have a physical effect too, but, I still knew better. Whatever happened, it was animated by subtle energies that affected me physically too, of course, as even our own bodies are energies. Everything influences everything, nothing acts separately. The things I had happen to me, though, weren't the peaceful kinds, but actually very scary. Point is, it's been a lesson for me to control my paranoia on this. I do believe that I will attract things according to what I focus my mind on. If I focus myself on paranoia and fear, I will attract that exact same thing, and it's what I will see. It's all up to me and, yeah, I create my own reality. It's been a lesson I had to learn and now trying to keep under control.

On the 21st of December, 2012, I didn't have a very good day, as someone played a mean prank on me that affected my emotional state that day. Nonetheless, still took some time to meditate at around 11. Just didn't wanna miss that big wave and felt it like a need. Still, this prank affected me much more than I thought it would and just went in a downward spiral for at least 2 weeks since. I thought I had failed myself and my spiritual mission, but, I realized that that was only an off-balance moment for me. Like a bump on the road, almost a challenge. Negativity took over me and I was scared because of that, but, here is lesson number five: Learning to accept the downs as well, and understand that it's part of me and part of being human, part of being alive and living. It's okay if I feel down, if I feel angry or anything else. It's okay, it doesn't mean I failed anything, it means I am human, and to understand certain things, I have to experience low frequencies too. I need to accept and integrate all the energies I feel and have within me, accept that they don't mean anything wrong, and then make my reality with them as I need to.

I've been focused on human sufferying for the past few weeks. Almost obssessively, I feel it as a need, that I have to read and watch things that I normally would not want to hear about. I've never been interested in drama movies about real-life events, they are depressing. Yet, I've only been watching such movies lately, almost as a need to see what people go through out there in the world, to what extent they suffer. It's not a pleasure, it's an odd need to KNOW these things. Despite that my own life hasn't been a walk in the park itself, I still feel that I've been protected all my life, both by invisible forces and obsessively by the people around me. I was born into a family of over-protective obssessive mother and sister, and I always felt suffocated by them, always wanted to get away from them. But, I realize now, they aren't like that for no reason, and their obsession to keep me safe away from the outside world has its own meaning and purpose. I met my beloved man, who turned out to be just as protective (and I can't complain about that, I love it and appreciate it). Pretty much almost every person in my life that's been close to me acted as though they took up a personal assignment into protecting me from the outside world no matter what. It's true, I am way sensitive and I do realize I wouldn't be able to handle a lot of the things a lot of people go through on a daily basis out there. My life has been a peaceful one compared to them and this made me appreciate what I have and ever had knowing that others have it incomparably much worse than me. I see those people as heroes, very brave ones. The things I've researched into lately have been making me angry and bitter, not to mention moody. But it feels as though someone is pushing me from behind, telling me, ''Look, look what they go through! You have to know all this! Look what they do to each other!''. I've always asked myself why humans do the things they do to hurt one another, either through complete ignorance and indifference or focused hate. I never understood this part of humanity, and sadly, it is a very big part of it.  I've experienced hate and pretty much a wide range of negativity from people in my life, to which I also responded with negativity, but somehow, I didn't really change, not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. 

So, although I've been picking up a lot of negative energy not only from the immediate surroundings, but from all over the world, which's been affecting me quite a lot, I feel this is just another episode in my journey. I am at the stage where I have to consciously, with a neutral mind and a as compassionate heart as I can possibly withstand this, experience all these low frequency energies, taste them, feel them in ways I never did before, from a different standpoint, a different perspective, to help me understand what I'm dealing here with and to know how much of it is out there. How could I get to the top if I have no clue about what's at the bottom, right? How could I understand the top if I don't understand the bottom either? Yes, this is just an episode, a necessary one. 

I love Earth very much. I feel it as a unique opportunity for me to live here, it is a priviledge. It's such a beautiful planet, a beautiful conscience that has all the spectrum of energies all in it. From the low to the highest. So many colors, so many trials, so many challenges. It is a unique place to learn your lessons and I am honored to be here right now, although, sometimes I wish I'd just dissapear and go home, wherever that is, but I love this place very much, I think, more than I consciously realize. 

Another lesson I still need to work on is the fact that I tend to get angry and then fall into a pit of bitterness and criticizm. I realize that this is a form of psychic attack and I am not here to focus my energy on negativity and attack people with that, but in the contrary. Of course, being human and experiencing humanity isn't easy at all, but I believe I have all the tools to turn this around and make something positive of it. I am not perfect, and I accept that, always have, but this isn't an excuse for me to psychologically and spiritually hurt others, even if they hurt me. I am not here for that. And maybe this is one thing that's been holding me down and it's been making me feel like a failure, spiritually, but again, it's part of the lesson where I have to learn to integrate all of my aspects and accept them as one, accept the imperfection in that and make the best of it all. 

Anyway, this is where I am at right now. I know, I write a lot, but then, I don't often write on here, so might as well just make something long and thourough and express all I need to say and that's that. I am glad to know that there is one place I can share my journey thoughts openly, without any self restriction, although, I am sure some may not agree or judge in one way or another, like we all do. But I also know that each one of us has its own path and own lessons to learn, therefore, I cannot judge. Thank you for reading this and for the time you spent reading this. Sincerely, a child in the universe.

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Comments

  • Thank you for your kind words, both Richard and Kat. Much love from me too!

  • wow. reading that was like reading a lot of my own thoughts. Very well written indeed. it seems I'm not the only one who feels this way about the world. glad I found this site. peace and love Ana x

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