Feeling under control

Hi, i want to make this quick because recently i had a nervious attack and feel like i can't type or do anyhing for much time, i feel most of the time, under control, i push myself into darkness and into the harsh smell of pain and suffering, i just let myself act like a demon because i feel it's the only thing i can do right, i mean the only thing that feels like connecting to something real. I feel that pushing me into darkness actually makes a connection, a connection to darkness, now that i can't connect to the light anymore. I also have a sensation of being under control, most of the time i have extremly agressive thoughs that actually hurt me like hell, and i can't stop it, so as words or thoughs like threats. I feel i'm some kind of prison. A prison of my mind. I have such a deep story, starting at the age of 13 seeing demoniac faces on the walls to being 17 (at the moment) and still feeling stuck in this huge darkness. I just want and need help, it's getting desperate for me and it's getting even worse. I've read about the dark night of the soul, but anyways couldn't find help. I really don't know what's the problem with me, i feel like if i was infected. 

Thanks, cheers from argentina

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  • there is absolutely nothing wrong with you Gonza ;)... do you fear of what you feel and see? ... darkness is not evil it's neutral element ... without it you would never see the stars - light  ... now evil is something else it's a conscious ACT against universal law (what ever it is) -  we all have 'demons' inside ... well some metaphorically and i guess some literally who see it ... however the process to deal is the same ... face it ... Your Will is your Sword at your command ... i know its sounds lame and just words ... and most of the time it's hardly helpful ... stop resisting - what resists - persists ... relax,  otherwise you may miss the Exit sign ... if you concentrate solely on one matter in you life ... YOu know 'the dark night of the soul' - teaches one to be patience not only with yourself but also with the world around ... and if you look deeper - your light is always there, but it's your choice to avoid it or get a closer look ... ;))

    anyway ... you are not alone ... ;))

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