Well it is now 5:06am and I am trudging through A Life Less Ordinary with Cameron Diaz. I have turned the volume almost down to nothing, but Mcgregor is a cutie, so it can stay. I don't really understand how people have said I look like Diaz, in the past, because she sort of reminds me of Duckie from Land Before Time. Is that rude? Oops.

As far as this whole spirituality endevour goes I haven't made too much progress, but I am currently (meaning at this moment) thinking that might be the best thing I can do for myself. Maybe I like living in this material world. Earlier, I was drinking ice water, and I suddenly realized "Holy shit, I am drinking ICE water.", I mean, come on, that rocks. This life is the best in ages as far as commodities are concerned. Do you think Henry VIII had ice water? Hell no. He didn't even have penicillin for the festering sore on his fat leg and he was the King of England. Consider this my "gratitude list", as my narcissistic father once (several times) called it.

It seems sort of well, presumptious to believe that I will ever, or could ever, in my present body (meat suit) understand, nay fathom, the existence of God. Yes, I am able to conjure up all sorts of possibilities based off of loads of information that has been laid like gravel road over the previous years to my current juncture and understanding of "reality", but that's about at much fun as a wet blanket because it is past. It's gone, it's done. Can I learn from history, yes. Is most of it accurate? No. Why? Because we can't even begin to understand ancient perspectives with our present minds. So where does that leave me? I pick up a Bible, I realize, hey wait, sure these are good little parables, but people in your time actually believed that the Earth was a bubble surrounded by water underneath and above, so, how exactly am I supposed to relate to you? Am I seriously not supposed to wear clothes woven with two different fabrics? Should I just pick something to believe in? Close my eyes and eenie, meenie, miney, mo it? Because the reality is that out of all of these different religions (world views) all parties are so ardent to die for them, but the belief systems are only relative to the person within that religion or era, so then too aren't the beliefs? Which means, to me, they are all collective bullshite. I mean, Zues? Are you kidding me?

And then I think well, if these ancient civilizations believed in this hokey pokey then, where does that leave them? They die and where do they go? They either a. go nowhere or b. go someplace far off from their concept of God and probably laugh at themselves.

So then I think to myself that I don't need to ask these questions because I am never going to get it. Ever. None of us will ever get it. Maybe when we die we'll be shown "the light" and suddenly our vision will clear and we'll have a deep understanding of everything, but until then - it's all so confusing and overwhelming. I am literally on sensory overload in this world.

I have such a painful time dealing with emotion - other people's. Leaving the house for me is like a big deal because of all of the personalities I have to encounter along the way. And I don't know where you live or how you are approached and recieved, but for me it is what my dad calls "a blessing and a curse". Being an attractive female is both a blessing and a curse. I mean, I honestly believe it accounts for 90% of my social anxiety. The comments, the looks - both ways, male and female. Girls love to hate me and boys want to love me, physically. Too bad I don't have real problems, right? It is a problem for me though and I know it sounds stupid, but I am a person too. I don't enjoy being looked at or approached or hit on. I can't even walk down the street alone in daylight and feel safe. That is sad. I'll give you some insight: I was walking my dog in college, three years ago, a few blocks from campus and my then, apartment. Well, I notice this red pick up truck following me for blocks, and blocks. This guy kept driving past me from different directions on every block. I thought it was rather odd, but I brushed it off - thought maybe he was lost. Big mistake. He was not lost; he was a damn pervert. At this point, I have finished my walk, I am headed home with my dog, Olliver, I get closer to my apartment and I notice a red pick up parked in the apartments a few rows down from my apartment complex. I am slightly hesitant, but not alarmed so I walk past the truck, and right as I glance into the window of the truck a guy/man thrusts, (this is so embarassing for me), his ejaculating penis into the car window. Barf, right? My fight of flight kicked in at that point, I felt nauseous, heart was racing- hurried home- but I acted like I didn't see it just in case he was a serial murderer too. I walk home like it was no big deal, get to my apartment, slam the door, lock all three locks, and call the cops. That is an example of the worst case (thank God), but there are other scenarios where I have been walking and had a guy pull over to try to talk to me. Um, that is creepy. Did you not get the creepy memo? That, plus my height (5'2) is really limiting to a certain extent. Ya so, I haven't had a problem getting guys to buy me drinks, however I can't even leave my apartment and feel safe. How is that fair? Yup, I carry mase, but still, I am a small girl- It's a big bad world out there. Let's not delude ourselves.

Anyways, I guess my point here is that I just want to live my life. I want to be free of all of this bullshit. It's like, I want a clean slate with just me, a patch of grass, and the sky. Do you think God feels that way? Do you think he/she/it regrets creation? To a certain extent? Because if I am this fucking disappointed in virtually everyone (including myself), then God having created this must be whole heartedly disappointed in us. I mean, cause you know he wants us to make the right choices and he knows he can't sway us either way. We have free will. And then I think about people like Jeffrey Dahmer who have taken that free will to such a place that - what the fuck. He actually had a human head in his refrigerator. A human head. Can you imagine the extent of such mental illness and delusion that you causally put a human head in your fridge next to your mustad? Oh my God! He actually tried giving men that he met at bars (and lured home with promises of drugs) labatomies so they could be his sex slaves. No, it did not work- they all died. It makes me so angry with my species that I feel we are no more than cursed animals.

In my political theory class I learned that our knowledge (taking from the tree of knowledge), our ability to be self aware, is a curse. A punishment for disobeying God. Being self aware to the point of our human capability toward understanding, sometimes really sucks. It's cool, ya..., but it also has caused so much self righteousness and competetion. Can't we all just get along?

No. I don't believe we can all "just get along" because fear exists. Fear is always going to exist. There will always be fear and as long as there is fear there will be competition, there will be anger, and there will be crime. Not only does the existence of fear bind us, but also mental illness. Psychopaths. Sociopaths.

Serial killers are only about one in a billion, but still they exist! How messed up is it that people like this even eat, live, and breathe on the same planet? They say that you are as likely to be attacked by a serial killer as you are to be struck by lightning, but if you are you won't survive. So, as long as evil exists we can't have a "utopia". That's what we're here to even get though, I think. We're here to notice that there is a struggle between good and evil, light and dark. We are supposed to be part of the good team. It's hard though because, I know from my own personal experience, I ask the question "Why?" so frequently. Why are there bad people? It makes me angry, which just perpetuates the disease, but I can't help it. It makes me sad! I'm afraid of my own kind, but that's not something I can fix with love. Is it? Good people become victimized by really sick people. And I can't help but feel depressed and angry about that fact, but then I have to stop to realize that God, God is sad by this too. Should I stop to hug those who harm me? And get hurt in the process? It's so complicated.

This whole, hippy delusion about peace and love and equality for all is wonderful, but it is an idealism. Are we supposed to have our own utopia and ship people off to say....Australia....that don't fit in or have "criminal minds"? That's not much of a utopia, is it? Seems more like...the current system? My point is, If we are already so segregated because of good vs. evil enough to implement designated areas for this into our society (prisons) then how the fuck, seriously, are we supposed to all hold hands and sing? HOW. You'll either have to keep the present system in place, or kill the "evil doers" to "purify". And that is a slippery slope. So, I say, just live.

I believe we are here to do the best that we can. To enjoy life. To enjoy things now, and to realize that the physical level is superficial. We definately have souls, I know that. I just don't know why there are so many different personalities or why bad things happen. It breaks my heart. It is the kiss of Judas.

By the way, Les Miserables is a great movie (watching now)- very good lessons to be learned.

I believe in Jesus, that's as far as I know right now. I want to discover life- on Earth- not life - in Heaven.