Ask Mel's Posts (11)

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WHAT HAS MY LIFE COUNTED FOR?

            As I get ready for my surgery on Monday I have begun to wonder what has my life meant to the larger picture of the universe. Have I been a good parent, have I helped others, have I been a good friend , a good wife, a good person? I have discovered that as complicated as my life has been on the health and relationship venues that my life on the basic level has been relatively simple. I am a good person, some days I give above 100% and other days I put in no efforts. I've done the very best I was able to as a parent and since people don't come with instruction manuals I pretty much did the best with what knowledge and skill I was able to learn. My kids survived and are people to be respected, my friends are willing to bend over backward to help me and my husband loves me with all his heart. I've done what the Lord has asked and am truly blessed .

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I CRY

I CRY BECAUSE THE WORLD IS IMPERFECT-BECAUSE HUMANITY DOESN'T DESCRIBE THE HUMAN RACE- BECAUSE COMPASSION IS A COMMODITY, NOT A STATE OF MIND- I CRY BECAUSE WAR LEAVES SCARS ON THE FACES OF OUR POPULATION, DEMOLISHES HOMES, STEALS LIVES - I CRY BECAUSE MY COUNTRY IS SO DIVERS IN CULTURES, YET RESPECTS NONE- I CRY BECAUSE OUR CHILDREN ARE ABUSED, LEFT ALONE , STARVED, RAPED- BECAUSE WE HAVE BECOME INDIFFERENT TO THEIR SUFFERING.

I CRY BECAUSE THIS IS  LIFE.

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No good deed-------goes unpunished

      I have heard the saying no good deed goes unpunished and sadly I often find that to be true. Not always I have helped a lot of children (my husband and I raised 75 kids that weren't our blood), okay he has not stopped me from collecting and helping young'uns but other then financial and tolerance he says I raised them. Since all the kids were raised we moved back to Arizona 7 years ago. Since coming here the Lord has begun to have help adults, now most of them I stay friends with but there have been a few I have cut out of my life because they don't want my help or have hurt my family, that's where I kinda draw the line.

      The latest set of people for me to help has been a young couple, ages 21 and 22, and their 5 year old son. Although we didn't know it she came to us pregnant. When they called to ask to stay with us we said ok but there are rules to living with us. They agreed to these rules, they are pretty standard (like--quiet time for kids begins at 8 pm, bed at 9 pm, if something doesn't belong to you---don't touch it without asking. Kids eat & drink at the table not the bedrooms nor all over the house). Basic rules that are pretty much help everyone live in harmony together. At first neither adult was working and I was in a wheelchair so part of them paying their way as rent was for them to help me clean house and cook and clean up the kitchen. They did well for 3 months. They were only suppose to stay with us three weeks, then they had no where to go so I got permission from our new land lord (we were moving into town from the country before they ask to stay with us and hadn't anticipated someone else staying at our new apartment too) if they could stay with us for 30 days while they searched for a job in town. My husband was working a crappy job he hated and was able to get a job close to our apartment. Then he helped them get jobs there too. As soon as they started working I became the babysitter for their son, started making all the meals, doing all the house work, dishes yada yada. You get the drift. Anyway to be fair I did baby sit my grand kids. Only 1 grandchild full time the boys mostly only in case of emergency. I don't get my 3 year old grandson anymore because Kya( my guests 5 year old son) is a bully. Any time he is a way my grandchildren mind well and play well together, well till they get tried then my granddaughter punches my grandson (both are 3 yrs old) and my grandson pushes her down, sits on her and hollers "BEHAVE" while he bounces on her. Although laughing isn't appropriate it is very hard not to laugh but they get time out while I make lunch or snack depending the time of day, I feed them then put them down to nap and the get up refreshed and ready to play again. Never have they really been criers. Let Kya be gone somewhere with his mom and come home he gets my grandson crying in 7 minutes and causes my granddaughter to cry in under 5 minutes. His mother's idea of punishment you might ask (sarcasm) is to take him into her room feed him snacks or meals and let him watch movies or play video games. She doesn't just disrespect me by breaking the rules, she does it blatantly she lets me know she is doing it. I don't know what she says in front of her son but he shows absolutely no respect to my husband. Kya sleeps in my grand children's play/bedroom. He has pulled the buttons off the kid's tv so he couldn't watch it unless he said so (he'd hide their remote so it couldn't be used), he's stolen or broken their toys, he hit's them for no reason, then he had the nerve to tell my husband and I quote " Get the hell out of my room" when he went to get the remote for our young'uns. His mother pampered him after his dad spanked him for the disrespect. Talk about mixed signals. That was in may. My hubby almost kicked them out that day but he went to our room to cool off and I was able to talk him out of it. I begged him for 2 more months so she could be close to the hospital till she delivered. Reluctantly he agreed. Now she has given up any semblance of respect she showed my hubby, if he asks her to not do some thing she ignores him and turns her back on him and walks way or she rolls her eyes and walks away. Yet he endures because I asked him to. He has just kept taking it, he keeps quiet cuz I ask it. I even got the money to pay the reservation deposit for the ramada at the park for her baby shower this past Sunday. He was thanked by their son giving my hubby a dirty and asking "What the hell are you doing here?' His dad smacked his butt and his mom let him go play. My hubby did ruin her day he took it and kept smiling. He never said any thing till we got home. This time if he kicks them out I won't interfere. He knows they asked for more time till the end of the month (July) so his decision, they can stay pay July's rent (for them it's 180.00 per month and contribute 200.00 worth of food per month, she get food stamps 1 1/2 times this amount. I figured this was more then fair rent for three people. They receive 1 full bedroom for them, Kya shares the playroom with my gran children when they are here, cable with HBO and STARZ in their room, computer/internet access, unlimited phone and long distance usage , ready made meals (I cook) any time and use of the kitchen or living room any time, as for the 200.00 in food they are big eaters and they eat more then 200.00 in food by the beginning of the third week. Damn now I really feel pissed because of her and her sons treatment of my hubby) Anyway he will tell them they can stay for their usual rent and they follow his rules till they move or they can get out. I don't know how to feel, guess the Lord will work it out. 

 

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marriage

    June 23 1995, I became a Mrs. for the third and final time (if this one falls through I'm just gonna be a slut). My first marriage lasted 8 years before I divorced him. He was a drinker with anger problems and tended to be weird (weird to me anyway). He also got to where he would beat me up (slap me as he put it) and cheated on me, he even passed along venereal warts to me. Still he was my daughters father and I never kept him away. Later in my life I realized had I not been pregnant at 17 by him I would never have married him. I was stuck not in love. Yet I have 2 beautiful daughters so I would do it all again.

   My second husband was a mental abuser and cheated all the time. He played mind games with me and destroyed my ego (being my self image). It only took 3 years to oust him. Took considerably long to divorce him. I was planning to be a slut then but after praying the Lord brought me the other half of me (although he is the shorter half).
    I don't want to reveal names of the exes because then it becomes real, this way it's a story and those who can relate won't be seeing someone else, but their own life in the reflection of mine. So ex #1 we'll call the 7 minute cowboy, the second was the 12 minute cowboy and the love of my life is shorty.

     So cowboys 1 & 2 messed me up so bad I had no self image any more. Even pep talks to myself,  i.e. " Your Daddy would be ashamed of you, get up fight back, leave, walk away, your better then this" didn't work. I answered myself with " He should be ashamed, I'm worthless, my life sucks, poor me........BLAH,BLAH,BLAH"  I really didn't have much trust in God at the time. As miserable as I was I didn't have much faith in anything. Yet I cried on the night 12 minute cowboy walked out for another woman. He was gone maybe 2 weeks and his new girl saw me out and gave me a ride home. (WOW was that weird or what) any way she tell me I have to take him back, he's driving her nuts. All of a sudden something in me clicked and I thought " No I don't  ". So I told her " You picked up my garbage at my front door but don't bring it back."  I walked away feeling a little better about myself.   My friend said to make a list for what I wanted in a man, so I did. She said to pray over it and God would answer the letter or list. Not really having faith or any real reason to believe God cared anything about me. I did as she said anyway. So I prayed God this is what I need and if you can't give me this kinda man then please keep them because I just can't with-stand any more losers. On January 8, 1993 the Lord gave me shorty.                                                                                

     He help unburden me and I taught him to laugh and joke.We have been rebuilding what others tore up and gaining respect for ourselves and others for 20 years. We have fallen desperately deeper in love for all this time. Every bed of roses of course has it's thorns and our bed is no different but he is someone worth the small thorns and pricks that pop up.                                                                                                    I use to read Harlequin Romance novels as a teen, and thought " I'll know love because it would make me feel just like how I feel when I read romance." At 17 I got my first taste of passion and I was in Love (serious eye rolling here). Got pregnant, got married, discovered I barely liked the man I married but felt what was done was done , deal with it. Eight years later I came to the conclusion that we can't always deal with it.

      I've been married 3 times, but until I quit looking and Let God handle it I didn't get it right. What Shorty and I share wasn't born of passion or desperation but from a friendship and a place of respect. As much as he fixed me, I fixed him. It took me years to learn he really does love me and it took him years to learn not to lie to me. I can face anything as long as I'm actually facing it and not getting blindsided.

      So on this day in my time line I send up special thanks to God because He sent me the perfect man for me and the roses have never smelled sweeter. I hope everyone who wants it finds the other half of themselves. God Bless.

                                              Love Mel :)

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I need positive thoughts

       I really need thoughts and prayers to go out for me. I heard from my sleep study and am having to redo it because I apparently stop breathing 55 times per hour. They tried putting a mask on me (which causes me to stop breathing) then they tried this thing called a pillow (resembles a pigs snout and blows air very hard and you can't exhale which causes a sever panic attack). Now they want to give me a sleeping pill and hook me up to machines and see if I still wake up from not breathing. I realize sleep apnea can be dangerous but I've had it all my adult life and the Lord has kept me safe but they won't sign off on my surgery unless I redo this study. In my sarcasm I have been wondering how smart it is to give the woman who stops breathing 55 times per hour a sleeping pill so she can't wake up. I am very claustrophobic and can't stand anything near my face nor things touching my throat ( I gag real bad). I am more stressed by the things they put me through then the sleep apnea (which I never even think about). Great curing my insomnia could be the death of me LOL. No seriously I know God is watching over me and I am safe and no harm will befall me during the study, I'm just tired of being a Guinna Pig. 

     I am finally scheduled for my EDG. They put this camera tub down your throat and check to see that my throat, stomach and intestines are not full of sores or bleeding. It is scheduled for july 16. It is a minor out-patient surgery. I am seeing the nutritionist soon and that will meet all the requirements. Then the by-pass surgery. I quit smoking on the 20th of may so my not smoking for 30 days has been met.

     The migraines are bad lately and the fibromyalgia is really acting up and my sugars are so high I am frustrated trying to get them under control. I feel as if I've lost all control of my body. The Lord though is seeing me through and keeping my spirits up. I still laugh and joke around but when I am alone I cry. I live 200 feet from my best friend and can't even walk that far at the end of the day, when my granddaughter gets picked up, to go see him. The pain in my skin and legs are more then I can take and I could really use some blessing about now to keep me going.

    My friend posted some great videos for me, I love the one of the monster singing stand by me. I laughed my ass off. Now if he can find Angels will follow me sung by muppets or a cartoon would be great too. I love that he cares enough about me to do these small things to keep up my spirits. Laughter is very healing both spiritually and physically. I love him just for who he is and appreciate all he does, I love his heart and how he is there when people need him.

     Thanx every one--------Mel 

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I'm just me.

      I have been listening to videos about light and frequencies and tuning and love and how we tune into other peoples frequencies. Truly I do get what is being said, but, what we put out as individuals isn't always compatible with everyone else's wave link. It's all good to say to send out only positive energy but love, joy ,hope and good isn't always what a person is feeling and no one will always be able to throw out only positive. Each person has a reality that they live in, life as they perceive it, their wave length unique for them alone, will not only pick up some one's positive energy but picks up negative energy as well.

      I am an em-path, I have family, grandmonsters, friends and pets. I am usually a positive person. My usual state of being is normally joyful, happy, up beat but that isn't all I feel on any given time line. Whether or not I go out and cuss some one because I'm in a bad mood, or cry because I'm in pain (physical or emotional), or show no expression at all, I am still sending out wave links and others feel them. My best friend always tells me, you have to think positive and only put out positive energy because you affect everyone around you. He is right, we have seen it over and over, everyone is in a great mood and I'm not, even if I say nothing and smile, we still can literally watch as everyone slow begins to nip and fuss at each other. I am both a receiver and transmitter. Every person is both, most people however never get beyond themselves and what they are feelin' so don't receive consciously. They just pick up every thing and process it as stress or their own feelings. Some people are perceptive and read others' body language well, but they are still not receiving and processing as an em-path. They don't know they can.

       There are at any given time millions of people throwing out emotion every second of every day and we all process it differently. We who are enlightened are the ones who have to find understanding and allow others to feel what they are feelin'. We all want acceptance for who we perceive ourselves to be , whether from this reality, planet or time line makes no difference to  the needing because it is part of our genetic make up. Love and acceptance for who we are affects our growth and development and how we are able to see others. We need to filter what we take in rather then sensor what others around us are feeling. 

       If we start to show compassion for our fellow beings, help where we can, don't let someone's personal agitation to affect us but still be there to listen to them, if we see beyond ourselves, and reach out even when we want to hide and not deal with someone else's pain, then there will be less negative energy thrown out to the fourth dimension. Help fix a persons pain and that makes a little less pain out there. It is easier to have road rage and yell at other drivers, they neither hear the comments nor care, so the only person it affects is the one yellin'. Being mean to the solicitor that calls at dinner or anytime really might make some one feel good ( yea I told them off, yea me ) for a while anyway then something else comes along to get them in a tizzy so they just spread the animosity around. I use to be like that but the Lord showed me how bad I was making another human being feel, I didn't like it so I changed. These are only examples, examine yourself see how you treat those around you, if you find you are getting a lot of negative feedback then maybe you'll change things too, maybe not.

      We each go through a wide range of emotions hourly, minutely and daily, we have to be allowed to feel and process those emotions because they make us human. What's important is what we do with that humanity. We have no right to ask from someone else what we are not able or willing to first give ourselves. 

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Creation

I breath in and the land below turns and gravity is born

I breath out and the wind blows across the land and energy is born

I shut my eyes and night is born

I open my eyes and daylight is born

I speak and creation is born

I spoke for seven days and all life was born

You speak and death is born and all my good is undone

                                                                         MEL

                                                                         6/4/12

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dec 2012

      I wonder if in Dec. how much of what happens is goin' to self-fulfilling prophecy. With all the fanatical people in the world , how many will feel it is their duty to help revelations com about. I have heard Dec.2012 is going to be the end of the earth.

     First off revelations doesn't say it will be the end of time or the end of the earth or man kind. It tell us all the signs of Jesus' coming back. 1/3 of the earth will be destroyed, a 1/3 of the water and 1/3 of man kind. It tells of super volcanoes, Tsunami, plaque and pestilence. It also says that God will set up new Jerusalem, that there will be people who live inside the walls and those who live outside the walls. So how will it be the end of time?

     I watch the history channel too. I've see the shows about 2012 and how the myan  calender ends in dec 2012. I just thought HEY!!!!!! they had to end it some time. Yet so many radicals are like it's the end of time.

      How many people will sell their homes, quit their jobs, abandon their lives because they really think the end of time has come. It has happened before. The 1870's comes to mind in new england I think where this group from some little church sold everything the own and were looking for the rapture to happen. They waited on the appointed date and Christ didn't come. So the preacher says, Oh! I messed it up it will be on this date. Several times he re-figured the date yet Christ never showed. Yet his congregation never walk away from him.

     If one thinks about it from a spiritual point of view then the Bible says, No man will know the day or time when Christ will return. You will be shown signs of Christ's coming. With wars and rumors of wars, Father will be against son, mother against daughter.

     If one looks at it from a common since point of view, then time doesn't end, neither does energy, so how could it be the end of time.

I wonder, I wonder. Hum

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response

WOW!!!!! What an awesome amount of responses, I've never had this kind of response to any thing I've written, I love it. I do love my family but I can't really say I like their choices. I don't lie for them and actually am estranged from my brother ( his choice not mine ) we didn't have a fight or anything, no bad feelings on my part and he has never said why he quit talking to me. I figure maybe I see him a little more then he wants any one to see him. I am trying to build a relationship with my sister but I'm not forcing it, the Lord will guide us as he will. I look at it this way, she is organized religion and i am taught by the Lord. Kinda of like she is a joiner and sees her way as the only way and I am much more tolerant of peoples right to choose how and when or who to believe in. I love them and I'm the type of person that has no problem agreeing to disagree. I don't know my brother anymore, my sister is always trying to compete with me ( I'm not competitive at all ). I frustrate her because I don't join groups, go to church anymore anyway, and because I'm just me, nothing special so I don't need to brag. My heart breaks for them because they don't feel good enough and I know they were born good enough and just believed all the lies about themselves growing up.

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         Why do people feel the need to lie about themselves? Are they ashamed of their life? I have 2 siblings that seem to have to embellish their accomplishments, their jobs, their parenting skills, how they over came drugs and alcohol, how much they help others, ect........( you can get the picture) but I still don't get it, why they feel the need to embellish. I finally concluded they aren't ashamed of their life......they think they aren't worthy of praise, that they are some how convince that they aren't good enough. What a legacy to pass on to their children and they have, I see it all the time. The children lie about their lives, never really taking blame for their own mistakes. So they don't feel good enough either.

         What is wrong with knowing yourself well enough to see what we feel insecure about or don't like or we find is offensive to others ( if that sorta thing matters to you) and change it. If some one has to lie about them self, you'd think they'd make an effort to change what they don't like. My saying is, God gave me 1 face and it is the face I show the world and look into the mirror, so I really really really need to be sure it's a face I'm willing to share with the world. God doesn't allow me to lie ( for real lying, not playing, making up crap like I tell the grandmonsters. Like I'll hang them up by their toe nails on the ceiling fan until their toe nails fall out. They never believe me, think it's because I don't have any ceiling fans? They just laugh at me. ) I mean, I really am not able to lie and it would save me a lot of head aches some times to be able to lie. Here's the thing though, how much could I like myself if I were to lie all the time or even some times.

          There are some people who are braggarts, some liars and some who can't gage what their real value is to themselves or others. I wonder what category I fall into. Think it's time for a self  evaluation.

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HOW NICE ARE WE REALLY?

I've asked myself for years, How nice am I really down deep in my heart of hearts. Over the years I think I have been nicer then not but I can't say I'm to proud of the not parts.

I have a warped since of humor to begin with and sarcasm is no stranger to me so people often look at me as if I'd lost my mind. Well I haven't I know exactly who I left it with, (safe keeping and all ). In general I've come a long way in learning tolerance for other peoples quirks and toning mine down.

I've gone through a lot in my life, from being a insecure teen in junior high to being secure in high school. Then as a young woman I started out secure and got beat back to insecurity, with a side of depression and humiliation for the add bonuses. Then I met my present husband ( having gone through 2 already) I began slowly to gain confidence in myself as a human being worth some ones respect and love. I have gained some of my old confidence back but it will never again be the innocent youthful confidence I once had. After two abusive marriages , 1st one physically and mentally, 2nd one mentally, and a life time with a family that couldn't pull their heads from their ass with a crowbar, and bad health, it's a wonder that I can find joy just about any where.

I've learned that no one else can be responsible for the joy, laughter and peace I need everyday. My husband is a good man but he can't make me happy every minute of everyday. WOW what a burden for some poor human schmuck stuck with the task of making some one happy simply because they fell in love. What he did do was take on a messed up person, help me search myself until one day I recognized me again, found my since of humor and just loved me no matter what my problems where or how mean I was ( I could be mean ). Trusting people especially family was very hard for me, but he patiently taught me to trust again.

In the last 15 years the Lord ( you call it what you will, I call Him God ) has taught me it's not ok to be a bitch just because life is. I had to change the way I think in order to change the way I reacted around other souls. It wasn't ok to be a bitch to a phone solicitor. The Lord let me see the other side of that career when I worked for a phone room raising money for abused kids. You have to be tough skinned to work in a phone room, so I learned. Road rage isn't ok. It makes me nervous to drive with a person who has road rage. My husband has it. He is so busy yelling at the other drivers that he isn't really paying attention to his. He's had to slam on the brakes more then once, throwing me forward and hurting me. I've learned to take a book where every he takes me and read while he drives. My sisters are worse, and my mother slams on her breaks at the last possible moment. These are their problems, I can't fix them, don't wanna stress over them, so I had to change me. Believe it or not the book works for me.

I can't change any one but me, but I think I kinda like the me as I am now and am looking forward to growing more as a compassionate soul. I tell God everyday more of you and less of me God. I want to be filled with more of His unconditional love, more compassion, and more peace so I can give it out more abundantly. I want to see through Gods eyes because humans mostly suck (including me). For me it all began with changing my thoughts and saying “ BY AN ACT OF MY WILL, I CHOOSE”

Everyday I search myself and if I come across something I'm better off without I begin again changing my thoughts and an act of my will. The Bible gave me a key to the kingdom of heaven, actually a key to anything I wished to accomplish.

1. BELEIVE IT WITH YOUR HEART (anything)

2. SPEAK IT WITH YOUR MOUTH (what you are believing for)

3. WALK IT OUT WITH YOUR FEET (as if the first two are already done)

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