Sorry for my post titled "Epiphany", guys. I've had a really shitty couple of days, and needed to vent a bit.
Most of the time, I am okay. Well... nowadays. I'm on quite a strong dosage of antidepressants; there's a chemical imbalance in my brain, apparently - I may well have to take them forever. I don't mind. I've grown to accept this, over the years. I will take whatever I need to keep me from going back to that depression. It's soul destroying.
Anywho, most of the time, I'm okay. But every now and then, with no warning, out of the blue, something will make me angry. It might be a tiny thing. But if a number of those things happen in a short space of time, I lose it. I mean, REALLY lose it. I become the Hulk. I can't control it - it's like my rational, thoughtful mind takes a backseat. I can hear myself and see what I'm doing, but it's not ME. I know that sounds like I'm trying to abdicate responsibility, but honestly, that's the closest I can come to describing it.
As a kid, right up until my late teens, I had a lot of these episodes. I smashed a lot of stuff, broke down a lot of doors, terrorised my family. I always felt terrible about it, and apologised when I'd calmed down. I saw countless doctors / psychiatrists / therapists, none of whom helped much.
I'm twenty-four in a week; these days, I've learnt to control myself a lot more. It's very rare now for this to happen to me. But as I've matured, and the episodes have become much more isolated, they have also increased in intensity, to the point that now, on the rare occasions they happen, I am dangerous. Earlier today, if someone had been rude or unkind to me in the mood I was in, I would have tried to kill them. And that thought scares the shit out of me.
I'm seeing another doctor tomorrow to talk about it. But I have very little faith in their abilities, and I don't think they can help. Because I've realised why I'm so angry. I never fully understood before, I didn't know where all this rage came from. But I've figured it out.
What makes me angry is other people's unkindness and selfishness. And the reason it makes me angry is because I can't understand it. I go through my life, every day, trying to be as kind and respectful to people as I can be; I try to put myself in their situation and understand where they're coming from. And, as a general rule, people expect other people to be like them.
But people aren't like me. So many of them are inconsiderate and selfish. Even those I consider friends will, every now and then, be spiteful or snide. And I just don't get it. I don't understand how someone just can't CARE about hurting someone else. It's not right. It's not just. The world isn't right or just, however much I'd like it to be. And I feel so alone.
I want to believe that what goes around comes around, and that change is in the air; but I've yet to see conclusive proof. And, because of the kind of person I am, proof is what I need. I have no faith. I try to have faith in people and believe the best in them - but they keep proving me wrong.
And no doctor can change this. No doctor can make everyone else in the world think like me.
People tell me to just let it go; that if something makes me angry, I should just shrug it off. And I want to. I desperately want to be able to not care so much. But I DO care. I can't stop caring. If someone could give me a pill that would stop me from caring, I would gladly take it. But I don't think there is one. Or at least, not one that will still leave me engaged and creative. I don't want to be a zombie.
But I'm tired. I'm tired, and I'm lonely. I don't fit in anywhere. (I'm sure a lot of us feel / have felt that way.) I'm literally sick of people being selfish and rude, sick of the way money runs the world, sick of people's apathy and carelessness. Something needs to change. I have no real faith in ascension happening, or the mass arrests, or disclosure. I'd love for them to, but I can't base my life on hoping for something that might never occur. If they do, fantastic. But I need to have a backup plan. And, for as long as that stuff doesn't happen, my backup plan has to become THE plan.
I can't change everyone else in the world and make them feel the way I do. And I don't want to change the person I am. But I need to find a way to control my rage. It's not like I permanently, consciously carry it around with me. Most of the time I don't know it's there. But when something lights the fuse, it only takes one little push to send me over the edge. And when it happens, it's scary.
Not really sure why I'm writing this. If anyone has any tips, hit me with them. I need help.
Love and light
Replies
Hello,
I am a master healer of Akashic Record Healing™. (Please excuse the trademark symbol but I have to use it to prove I am worthy of being registered by the Trademark Office.)
it is my experience that we carry forward deep pain that has nothing to do with what is going on today. We unconsciously repeat the horrible experiences trying to rewrite the ending of some horrific past life event. Also we come in with the genetic code of our ancestors and this can bring pain that haunts us. Both of these can be undone.
Change your thoughts and you can change your life, as Louise Hays says. However by going into the past life wherein the pain began, I can find the cause and identify the problem and then ask God to transmute, clear up and remove the emotional pain, mental patterns and blocks to you being in the flow of life again. This does not mean that you have one healing and you are never going to have to work on yourself again. We are all growing in love and expanding in consciousness.
I offer the easy way. Let me live your pain and reduce your karma. Check my website, www.thegiftof.com . My work takes focus and energy which is why I charge what I do. Even if you chose to not have my work, the information on the site will probably help you.
You are a beautiful soul and you have forgotten how perfect you really are. It is my conviction this tired and lonely feeling comes from a subliminal belief that God's love is conditional. It is the root cause of all emotional and resulting physical pain.
Also try to focus on what is right in your life and release dwelling on what upsets you. It is an unpleasant reality that whoever upsets you is but a mirror of something that you need to face in yourself that needs to be changed to shift you back into love. My experience is that as I release my ancient past, I am no longer triggered by what is "wrong" in others but rather I love them and have compassion, especially for those who are truly insane and given over to evil ways.
Go to Ines Martins website and check out her Youtube videos. She has a contract clearing video that is amazing and it might just be what you need to release old mental and emotional patterns.
Blessings
Hullo, Healing Spirit. Thank you very much for your kind words :)
I will be okay. I've just had a really bad couple of years. And a few pretty terrible years before those, to be honest. This rage and my inability to let go is my cross to bear, I guess; it's what I'm here to learn to overcome. Deep down, I know this. I just don't like it. It's hard. Really, really hard.
I have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew, so to speak. I expect more of myself than perhaps I would be wise to, sometimes. I think that's what I've done in choosing this incarnation: I thought I could hack it. I guess I can; I mean, I'm still here. Soldiering on. Unhappy, but still alive, and trying to learn. All I can do is keep going, and hope that someday it makes sense.
Love and light x
I just came across this webpage while searching for what I'am experiencing right now. http://spiritualcompassconnection.com/kundalini.html My lower back and spine is vibrating like CRAZY right now. The Feminine Goddess is making a return and apparently one of the symptoms related is what I'am experiencing right now. It's vibrating so hard and long that my back is starting to hurt like it has been overworked. Anywho if you read through the page it talks about mental problems you can have if you were not ready, overdid it, or are unbalanced in your awakening.
Hi Achilles, interesting name, by the way. Let's' go thru your post: "What makes me angry is other people's unkindness and selfishness. And the reason it makes me angry is because I can't understand it."
This Earth is a spiritual school. Yes, we are here to help Gaia and humanity go to the 5th, but we are all spiritual beings having a human experience, and this is a place to learn spiritual lessons, pass them, to ultimately return back to God. Before we we born, we decided, in the spiritual realms, what life lessons we wanted to experience (and hopefully master). During our lifetime, we will experience sorrow, pain, grief, etc..some are here to give pain, discomfort, to cause trouble, etc.. they are teaching us these lessons. You have guides and angels around you at all times and you will be put in situations that will "test" your reactions, thoughts and feelings. If you can get thur these experiences without them affecting you, remaining peaceful, centered in your heart and calm, you will have pass the test. If not, you will continue to experience them until you learn the lesson. Ascended Masters have passed the school of earth and do not have to re-incarnate, but are here to help humanity. Please realize this and keep this in mind. It takes time the master the inner self.
As for your depession and anger, I would propose calling (in a prayer, from the heart): "I ask God, Christ, Holy Spirit, to come into my heart and help me cure my depresson and anger. I call on Archangel Michael and Archangel Gabriel to pour a waterfall of light over my entire body, cleasing every charka center, every cell in my body, every layer of my aruic field, light, light, light and only light (visualize the waterfall of light, soaking your entire body). I ask Archangel Michael to cut the (spiritual) cords of any person, place, thing, though, feeling and action that is negative, that is not of the light until only love remains, only love remains, only love remains. I ask to be surrounded by 100,000 angeles, 100,00 Arcturians, 100,000 Pleidians, 100,000 Sirians and to remove all negative energies and entites from around me and my surrounding area and take them to heaven for their hightest good. Please help to cure my depresson and anger and free me being dependant on medication. Keep me centered in my heart and calm at all times thoughout the day. Thank you, amen, amen, amen and so it is." You may add more names for help, if you like, Jesus, Mother Mary, more Archangels, Elohim, ect...They are hear to help, ask them! Make this a daily practice, when you go to sleep, wake up, before leaving, in the car... visualize yourself calm and collective in difficult situations... see yourself being the person you are and it will manifest. Also, sit for a minute and concentrate on your breath, breathing in and out. Work up to 1 hour. This will help bring in the light energies in your body. You will feel the change in you. Do this daily and often doing the day. Hope this helps, Darryl.
Thank you for your response; I appreciate your kindness very much.
Namaste
Hello Dear Achilles. I want to tell you my story. I have a chronic pain disease called R.S.D.( reflex sympathetic dystrophy) I had for 11 years, I'm not 26. I never have a normal teenage growing up life I couldn't go out with my friends couldn't go out to parties etc, I was always in the hospital either going to get "treatments" done (trigger blocks, lumbar blocks) I had 3 knee surgeries and an implant going in my back to try and make the pain go away, there's not a single moment of any day where I do not hurt, I hurt ALL the time and pain medication is keeping me from being in a wheelchair... You wonder how I got the disease in the first place? I was attacked by a boy in high school who knew I had a knee injury do to playing soccer and I was attacked 4 no reason at all, he told my parents that I was strong enough as an normal boy, he thought "I could take the pain".. He hit my knee so hard that he knocked my kneecap out of place and thats why I had 2 right knee surgeries...And I'm 26 and my body is like a 70 year old and its very depressing and heartbreaking when I already tried everything possible to have a pain free pain and nothing worked at all..But what keeps me going is the good days I look forward 2, even though there getting further and further away...But your not alone in any of this at all and I bring u so much love and light:o) *~Samantha~*
Thank you for sharing that with me, Samantha. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this pain.
My problem is this, while few people go out and deliberately cause others physical pain, so many seem to have no problem with inflicting emotional / mental pain on others. If you went around hitting people, you'd be locked up (and rightly so). But there are no laws in place to prevent psychological bullying. And I have met so many people who just don't CARE that their words and actions cause others to suffer.
People talk about Karma - and it's a lovely idea. I would sincerely love to believe that, in the end, people get what they deserve. But I can't see it happening. If someone could prove to me, categorically, that the people who have hurt me would eventually experience that pain for themselves, I would be satisfied. Justice is balance. But the world is so, SO unbalanced. And it makes me furious.
I know I shouldn't wish pain on anyone else. In an ideal world, I wouldn't, because people wouldn't go around wantonly hurting each other. I'm just so tired of putting other people before myself and getting nothing but unkindness in return. If I could stop putting other people first, I would. But I can't. It's who I am.
Sigh. Love and light x
Don't worry, FW, you're not getting on my nerves :)
now, many of us are not against big pharma becouse it is run by cabal and mad chemists, it is rather the idea of taking such chemical cocktail designed to not help just prolong the problem and sugar coat real issues.
I used suffer from serious depression and suicidal tendencies; tried to take my life twice . The first time I spend 9 days in coma in hospital. Each instance I guess divine intervention prevented my from departing; my point being, I changed my diet , elliminated ALL ANIMAL products from my diet, started eating less cooked food and more raw, fresh fruits and veggies and my depression disapeared over night. it's been 17 yrs now, and I don't remember last time I got angry or depressed. Even my recent second divorce did not effect me as much as I worried.
Many people will say, vegan raw food diet is not for everybody; you know what I say, bullscrap you never tried it and don't know anything about it.
I have to admit , your post is just one big excuse to stay the same course................you continue to take those pills and will never feel different and trying to get better will be only an empty word
Your pro-vegan agenda is just a reason to attack people for doing something you disagree with.
You live in a house? They had to kill trees to build your house. Just like you don't want to take life for food, how about shelter as well?
Do you have a dog? a pet dog is more than twice as destructive to the environment as a car.
Hypocrisy everywhere used to incite division.
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