Love doesn’t make the world go round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.~Shannon L. Alder
We all have a deep desire to find that one perfect person to spend the rest of our days with. That one person when we meet, you feel an uncontrollable desire and an illogical sense of familiarity with. As if you’ve known that person for a lifetime, or perhaps lifetimes. Whatever you want to call it, films and TV series alike have romanticized the phenomenon known as the soulmate. But what do we really know about the perfect mate or the ideal partner? Psychology is finally shedding light on the mystery that encapsulates so many hearts and minds around the world in an effort to understand what truly makes two people compatible for a relationship.
Dating sites like OkCupid.com or chemistry.com boast about their in-depth personality tests and about how finding someone with similar answers to the questions you answer on the test, can result in finding the perfect mate.
Now this sounds very appealing for many different reasons. First, naturally you want to be with someone who shares the same values as you and perhaps even someone who enjoys similar activities like rock climbing. Secondly, it only seems logical to search for another person that also wants to raise children and begin a family someday. Lastly, we have such a yearning for love as social creatures, that we will convince ourselves of just about anything in order to fill the empty spots in our hearts.
All of these reasons, create quite the compelling case for compatibility sites —but how well and how long do the relationships that have similar interests and quirks truly last?
Dr. Ted Hudson of the University of Texas, ran a longitudinal study of couples that had been married for years and in his research he found out something quite surprising. Dr. Ted Hudson’s explains,
“My research shows that there is no difference in the objective compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy”.
Dr. Ted Hudson went on to say that couples that are feeling content and warmth in their relationships said that compatibility wasn’t an issue for them. In fact, they were perfectly ok saying that it was them who made the relationship work not their personality compatibility. But when the unhappy couples were asked what they thought about compatibility, they all answered by saying that compatibility is extremely important to a marriage. And sadly, that they didn’t think they were compatible with their significant other. Which Dr. Ted Hudson explained that when the unhappy couples said, “We’re incompatible”they were truly meaning, “We don’t get along very well”.
That’s where the issue arises with compatibility, everyone who is unhappy naturally blames it on the facade of compatibility. They fail to realize and comprehend that a successful relationship does not hinge its posterity on how alike you are —instead it hangs on by the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship.
So we know that building a relationship with another person is dependent on you and the other person. It has more or less nothing to do with compatibility. But if you can’t depend on compatibility exams or some standard form of testing to find your ideal mate, then how do we do it?
John Gottman, the founder and director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle said that measures of personality are incapable of truly predicting the length or success of a relationship. John Gottman’s Relationship Research Institute discovered that couples who focus their energy on building something meaningful together in their life, tend to last the longest. How a couple interacts is the single most fundamental aspect to creating a successful relationship. Meaning, it’s not who you are or what you do that will prolong or help you find the perfect mate. It’s how you speak to each other, how well you get along, how much dreams you can envision together.
John Gottman went on to say, if your relationship or interest supports your life dreams. Your ideal partner will look up to you, admire you and view you through rose-colored lenses. Now this sounds ideal, but when you truly reflect on how you’ve always wanted to be treated —having someone who genuinely believes in your greatness, is paramount.
Don’t think it’s all just how we view one another however, a lot of the connection you feel with another person is emotional. Therefore you must be capable of responding to each other when you need something. Or as John Gottman said,
“Does your partner turn toward you with equal enthusiasm? You need to ask questions and constantly update your knowledge of one another.”
If you truly are looking for love and want to find that person that you can spend the rest of your life with —then remember, that it is YOU who creates compatibility. There is no magic formula or perfect algorithm for making a fruitful relationship with another human being.
So next time, you spot someone who catches your attention and makes your pupils dilate with interest and enthusiasm, pay attention to whether or not they can see the dream you envisioned for your life. If they can share in your delight and can accept you for who you are today, not for who you can be tomorrow —then you have found your “soulmate”.
About the author: Luis R. Valadez
As an Author and Life Coach, the two aspects in life I value most are: humanity and self-improvement. I make it my goal and life's work to illuminate the secrets of the mind and our potential to every thirsty man and woman. For when given water to grow, we humans prosper. Aside from my love of moving the human spirit -- I also research and rejoice in the fields of neuroscience, historical arts, and quantum mechanics.
Very interesting post. I agree completely. Had my boyfriend had an OK Cupid profile, with all those details and that's how I was to choose him, it never would have happened. Our favorite music is almost completely different (though middle ground is shared), movie interests are polar opposites, and he's a good deal older than me. If all that info had been thrown out there to read, I could have skimmed right over him. Dating sites are useless unless your looking for a more "temporary" relationship.
I fully understand what people mean when they say, "You just know," because you do and it really is like you've known that person all your life. Our first date lasted 8 hours, as opposed to just dinner (which is what we planned). Sometimes when we tell stories, we forget we haven't been together all our lives lol.
I'm so happy you've found your soulmate, Terra! So many are still looking. As they say opposites attract.
Thank you :) Sometimes I can't help but wonder if looking isn't part of the problem. I found him completely by accident!
Whenever one of my children complains about not being able to find a mate I always tell them to stop looking...if they do that they'll find one before they know it. :)