I'm not sure where to turn next...
I spend every waking minute of my life alone, so much so that it feels normal now. When the time arises that I actually do get a chance to, or forced into some sort of social interaction I cower away. I don't know what has happened but my ability to socially interact with human beings has completely gone away. I feel that I have distanced myself so far away from everyday human life that I do not know what to do with myself when I am around people. I am not human, you see. I have recently had to deal with an immense amount of emotional pain and stresses, my mother died of cancer nearly a year ago now and my father died of a heart attack not even three months ago. All I have left is my girlfriend who doesn't really understand what I am saying now. Since these events (and a lifetime full of them) everything has gone way over the top regarding my emotions and how to deal with certain stresses. I have developed an intense case of agoraphobia and cannot even go to the shops without fear. It is not like me to fear. I have always had my father there, the only one who has ever understood me in this world so far, as we are the same.
I found this website shortly after he died and came on here briefly, not really sure what to say. I feel dead, so far away from this planet in my mind I might as well be 'dead'. I cannot concentrate at all on normal things. My mind is so far away even the most distant of people I know are starting to worry. I feel as though nothing really matters anymore, that this whole cycle of society is so worthless that I would rather not even be a part of it anymore. I have always felt this way, but even more so as of late. I am young, 22, and need a bit of guidance. I am so fearful of being left alone, Deep down I knew my father would leave this earth early, I have known and have had nightmares about it all my life until now.
I do not fit in anywhere, no matter how hard I try it seems as though people can sense I am different and immediately turn away from me. They may make me feel as though I am a part of whatever it is that they are, but there is always this distance between myself and them. I get angry, which is another characteristic I am not used to feeling. I get angry when people who don't know any better do silly things which I know not to do. I am not sure how I know, but I know a lot of things, a lot.. I get angry over the simplest mistakes that people make, because I have this feeling like they should know better. My mind is so full of ides, so full of creativity and this intense need to learn more, every day that I often choose my books and design over anything else, including being with loved ones. Often times I lay awake in bed at night, my mind races so fast with millions of different beams of information flying around it that I have no idea how to make it stop, and land up frustrated because it's almost as if sitting by a highway trying to memorize a book, and spend that night awake. The bottom line of this story if anybody is reading, is that I cannot take this place anymore, I need somebody to show me the way out.
I wish that somebody reads this and possibly has some advice for me, and I could explain things further, for this is the tip of the iceberg.
I just want to go home, I do not want to be here anymore, this is not the place for me and I want out...
I want home...
I feel so alone.
Replies
Hey Bro! When I was 12 I was in a very similar place. I felt like I had no friends or family who really loved me. I felt like I knew another place... a better place.... and tried to take my life.
Now I am grateful that my mom just had a feeling to call my brother, who found me and got me to the hospital..... But you see, I did die. That old alone self died, and I did go home. I went into my heart. Through years of therapy and realizing that I am surrounded by loved ones (physical and non physical), I was ok.
I love you brother. You are always surrounded by a huge family who deeply cares about you :) don't forget that!
BUT-- That's because you think so. It would only matter if you make it so.
So, what is mattering to you? It looks like you care about fitting in, and caring about others and to make sure they don't do stupid stuff, and you care about your parents' dead.
Fitting in. Wait, listen. I don't think you need to fit in. Perhaps a sense of belonging? Everyone wants that. So what can you rely on to be there? Hmm.. you perhaps? Trust yourself! Place confidence in yourself, you are the only thing that matters, not nothing! Because everything is an extension of .. guess who? You! You are god, and god is you. Thus, everyone else making mistakes or doing something is just you making mistakes... but that's just learning. Some times you have to make the same mistake over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again until you realize that you've made a mistake. And then you learn! I suppose this is caused by feeling separate from yourself/others. But you aren't! You are connected... but you just can't see it. Take your parents. Know that they are there. If you believe that they aren't there, then they won't be.. but if you believe, if you KNOW that they are there, then they will be.
I think some call this "the dark night of the soul"... look that up, you might find something worth reading. When your mind goes on overload, I would try this: just say a word over and over again. It doesn't have to be a real word... like Ziggo, or Foom. Or something. Just repeat a word, and focus all you can on that word.
Anyway, you don't have to rely on me. Or anyone else, for that matter. Just yourself. Trust your self.
Trust yourself.
Believe in yourself.
"I want out..." I can't tell you how many times I have said these exact words in the past. Although I'm 21 and have a single parent and at times feel like a social misfit, I can't comprehend what your going through. And honestly, I don't have any advice. I do have a short temper , I do feel alone and I do isolate myself from others - and in this repsect we are the same.
But you are not alone, and you never will be.
All I want to say is your doing good Jamie. Your managing as best as you can.
It is not a surprise that you are feeling lonely and a lot of fear, boy you have gone through plenty and the way you are feeling now makes you human, it is the most human thing in the world to deal with the things you are dealing with.
Take some time off, the world won't fall apart if you're not there, if you've lost your mother and father, which by the way I'm truly sorry to hear, it wasn't to make you become a socialite! You need to mourn loss and overcome it too.
I want to go home to, we all do, but I just realized something I think it's extraordinary and we all should know: Home it's not a place, it's a state of mind, it's love, it's happiness, of course it's hard not only to get there, also to stay there. But it's what we all came here to do.
A lot of love and light to you brother.
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