I would love to just use my blog to vent beautiful, rational, precious messages, insight into things - positive energy - but I want to start my returning presence with an acknowledgment of the things that have passed by in my life recently, and that I feel have had an impact on my development.
Less than 3 years ago, I met this suicidal guy over the internet. I fell in love with his sensitive nature, and left everything I owned in Sweden to come be with him in the states. That lasted for a little less than two years - due to his insecurities creating emotionally abusive behaviors towards the one person he trusted the most (me) - and I was unable to find a way to deal with it and ended up feeling bitter, because I didn't see how anything I did at first made me deserve such hurtful behaviors (I would come to act worse as I started feeling worse and may have felt that it was more validated at the end - none the less, it was nothing that was beneficial for either of us.)
I now find myself in a new relationship, and due to some naivety on my behalf (and his too I guess) - I now find myself pregnant. I have always wanted to be a mom - I've always been a very caring soul - I'm just not sure this was the right time. Sure, I don't believe everything in life should be planned, and there will always be something wrong with the timing if that is what you want to focus upon. The main issue here is a personality difference between me and my partner, that I have yet to figure out what to do about. He is VERY rational, planned, and somewhat "contained". I on the other hand am very sensitive, very caring, very emotional - and I'm feeling somewhat emotionally deprived - hard for me to explain how, but that is my spontaneous description of how I feel...
I actually just realized, after getting off the phone with my mom, that I've gone from appreciating my newfound "closeness" with her - to becoming more of a porcupine - defensive. I think that has do with how similar my new partner is to her, WITH all the traits that I really have a hard time handling around my mom.
I guess the point being is that I don't know how happy I am where I am and I will need to figure out something - some source of energy, inspiration, or some kind of change, to make myself feel better. I think that is why I am here - kinda reaching out for the positive energy - even though I often find myself feeling guilty for not adding much of value (cant give what you don't have..), and sometimes worrying that my wish for inspiration is rather a darker force - a black h*** or a monster eating up positive energy, without giving anything - thereby being a negative influence and a negative force that has little use or value. I'm just really lost as to how to find back to the light - to that positive feeling in life..
I am leaving this public and opening myself up for any kind of criticism - hoping that something good might come out of this.