The Self Observatory

So, I was at school, and I thought it was time to start writing a journal, something where I could spill my guts into, and see if I could find a problem after writing for a while, and maybe a solution.This is it:"Well... there are a lot of things on my mind.There's homework, or school. Um... man, I've been faltering in...language, algebra, and perhaps social studies Hmm..Is it something bad? There are other questions that rack my mind...I keep thinking, "Is this bad? Is thinking about whether it's bad or nor, some quality of bad?" Usually I end it by telling myself, let it be. Just... let it be. But this doesn't totally work... because I think, this is wrong, I shouldn't just complacently say, well it's all right, love and light, because that might be someone else's words...and then I think, wht words are minre? How can I know that asking all those questions is actually me talking? And, will I ever get an answer?Will I ever get an answer?Well, maybe... I have to seek a goal. Instead of just asking random questions without an intent, maybe I should ask questions with a purpose. Because, asking questions should be done (how do I know that? I don't know. I suppose it's that I can ask questions that means asking questions has a purpose), but it should not the only thing I do. I must eventually do something... even if it's nothing.But, now the question (ack!) is, what should I do? What actions should I take?The answer is... it's up to you.So, I suppose it would help to define myself. That way, I can know what my goals are.So what am I?(Shift to third person)He seems to be quite introspective... but he's plagued by questions. He seeks, but he does not find. He, or his body, is ailing, not horribly, but it could be running better. He's at least slightly attached to his physical body; he seems to be aware of it. He's shy... and he sees this, too. He has a crush on a girl he's gone to school with. He's attached to her...and he sees this, too. But, he likes her. He likes the potential the attachment holds. He holds himself back because he perceives something that can be crossed, a border, a boundary. Even though he knows that, with her, there really aren't that many borders (edit: Or not?); he is like a friendly European, who holds back from entering Native land, and waits at a border he imagines for one of the natives to walk by... then, he tries to communicate in the short time he can talk to them (by staying in one spot) that he wants to go with them..sometimes, the European stands there, afraid that the Indian might not understand him, or misinterpret it him and do something. But, all the Indian was doing was wandering around looking for a kill, and had the European simply walked with the Indian, and make attempts to contact the Indian, and thus disregarding the border that he made up, then he would have been happier, he could have asked to enter the village, maybe stay there for a while, just maybe even stay there permanently. But, he worries that she already has a 'close friend', or that the parents might not even approve of even a simple relationship... he worries, and he sets up the imaginary borders that his society has taught him to see and fear. But they are imaginary! Lines are fictions of the mind... they can easily be transcended. But, she might have her own lines. He must find these out for himself. The other 'close friend' he fears she has... that's OK! He should find out for himself, in a respectful manner, of course, what her borders are. He can then follow them, and respect them. Maybe someday she will let him through her borders, maybe when she trusts him.But how will he begin?Talking to her when he sees her, just saying "hi", maybe asking if they can hang out? Patience will be a part of it, of course, but he shouldn't do things just because he thinks she might like him better. No, he has to talk her, communicate, try to learn her language.It will be hard in the beginning. But as time goes on, it will get better. Patience is key here.The only things that stops him from asking her... is him. Once he overcomes this fear, it should become easier to respect her boundaries by asking, instead of rushing it (edit: or hoping that the opportunity will hit him in the face!).Part of this fear, it seems to me, is that he is afraid of losing her. One shot, that's it. This is not so. The key is to remain respectful of her borders. Of course, he doesn't know what they are, but you will not receive if you do not ask.Remember that.Now, I am only fourteen years old, and so is she. Well, getting closer to 15. But it's probably too young to make a BIG move... just lay the foundation.
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  • Well, erm, today, it seems that a chapter has finished.
    I learned today that she is already dating someone... and I spent the entire day getting over that.
    But, then I got over it. I accepted that she, and not me, controls her.
    However, I do think that I will know her for the rest of her life, and probably not as a lover. Just a good friend.
    A thought occurred to me. I think that pleasure and pain, they are just carrot and stick, in the learning process of life. They provide context and meaning to the lessons learned.
    So... that's the end of one part of my life, at least for now.
  • returns to your reminders of patience :)
    You are very intelligent ! I sense a great light; love to you brother!
  • Yes you are right!  What I meant was think less feel more! Balance, in all things there has to be balance.

    Dark and light, Love and hate, etc.  It is good to Analise and use your head, but be aware that it does not completely start to rule you.  Keep the balance.


    Ye have a great way of looking at life, just keep at it and don't loose heart.



    Anush (Marshal Law)

  • Yes! I agree.
    Fear, though, is something that I gotta work with.
    Disappointed, hurt, yes, that's part of it, part of learning.
    Fear is still instilled in me, gotta lose it.
    And, of course, I don't own her. I think part of me would have me believe other wise in some form or fashion, but in the end it's her choice, I can't control her!
    Hoo... get out of my head, into me heart. I think I'm already starting to do that.
    I wonder, though, what was the purpose of the head?
    To better use the heart?
  • LOL, Unlabled, get out of your head and into your heart!


    Stop analyzing life, start living it.  To draw lines, makes you go insane patrolling them.  Say HI to anyone out there and stop being afraid.  Open your heart, the only way to know what others would be is to open your heart.  Sometimes you are disappointed, sometimes hurt, but in the end you learn from all that.


    Fear is the only thing holding you caged.  The enemy is a friend that made a mistake. A unknown person is a friend waiting to be understood.


    The only thing holding you back is fear itself.


    You can not loose her or anything, as you do not own her or anything.  Our paths join and separate all the time, it is when you cling that you loose the most.

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