I have an eidetic memory. I remember everything... almost every single day of my life... in detail. This isn't something I have ever really talked about. Only a few people in my life even know about it... but none of them know the true extent of what I can recall. In many ways, it is a dirty little secret that I carry.

Don't confuse an eidetic memory with a photographic memory... there are differences. With a photographic memory (think of Dr. Reid's character on Criminal Minds) the recall is instantaneous and completely detailed... mine isn't like that... not exactly. Mine is more like hyperthymesia... not photographic, but autobiographical. Clinical cases of hyperthymesia usually involve an obsession with dates and numbers as well... my memories aren't triggered by specific dates and numbers... it's more about recording "events".

For instance, ask me about the events that happened on a specific date, and I will give you a blank stare. It doesn't work like that. My memory seems to focus more on contextual cues... images, noises, the mood I was in at the time, etc. The memories are there... triggering the correct memories is where it can get difficult. Triggering the wrong memories can be brutal.

The difficulty lies with how much I retain... and, I think, how it all gets cross-referenced. At times the sheer volume of it all can be overwhelming...  so much so, that I have suffered lifetime bouts of insomnia... my mind refuses to shut down until everything gets sorted out, in a way. Describing how it works can be just as maddening, because I truly don't understand it...

I read one account of someone with hyperthymesia... she described it as having "split-vision"... taking in new information while replaying old information at the same time, in her mind's eye. Mine more correctly equates to having a hidden camera running at all times... my mind takes it all in, then sorts it out later... and I often recall little things in the background... I may not have noticed it at the time... but it was recorded anyway.

How I recall things can be just as difficult to describe.

At times, it is very straightforward... at other times it is, well, abstract at best. It is how I get from point A to point B that I often miss... it also helps if my recall comes in a casual manner. If I work too hard to think of a specific memory, I can lose focus and get stuck in a sea of information... and I overload. It's just too much to go through looking for specifics... if I let things sort themselves out on their own, however, my recall can get... well, remarkable... even scary.

How many of us recall their first day of school? Our first kiss? Probably quite a few. Memories of such significant events in our lives can trigger what is called a "flashbulb" memory. September 11, as an example, is a day that most of us remember in vivid detail... all of the imagery of that day is burned in our memories because that particular day stands out... it is the same with weddings, birthdays, graduations etc. We remember those days for that central event... the "flashbulb" fires and those memories become permanent.

If you look back on your life, those are the events that stand out. Those memories become easy to access. Now imagine if your "flashbulb" was always on... with no real way to turn it off. That is what I deal with. Nothing really stands out, because everything stands out... no day is unique, because every day is unique... that can make recalling what I remember challenging at times... even maddening...

It can be thought of as having an entire internet in my mind, but without a decent search engine... for the lack of a better analogy... some "searches" get instant "hits"... other "searches" can become more circuitous and tedious... until I figure out the subtleties and subtexts... I always get there, sometimes it just takes a little time...

I had originally planned to sit down and put everything out there in one post, but I am quickly realizing that is just not going to happen... there is just way too much to go through. I will make this part 1, and go from there... and I need a break :)  well, my spiritual side needs a break... it's involved in all of this as well...

I do welcome any questions or comments... :)