this week has been strange for me. strange because i think it has been resonating within me so far, which i am not used to. i am used to, in life, feeling like i am on the outside. feeling like i do not understand what the other human beings on earth are doing. this has always made me feel like less than them. i remember throughout my life being told things like "don't think about stuff like that" or "there's no reason to ask those questions". this was very discouraging. it's hard for me to not become so bogged down by everyone elses perception of reality that i do not forget my own, or at times resent my own. i believe that everything is connected. i believe that everything that everyone on earth does to themselves, to someone else, and to the earth has a reaction and an effect. i have found it difficult to understand how some, perhaps most, do not have this inherent discernment for life. not that i am not human, because i am. i feel intense emotions- sometimes i have considered the possibility that i am sub-human because my emotions tend to be so intense. i am having a very hard time understanding pretty much everything right now. not in an S.O.S. stress call kind of way- i am overwhelmed with possibilities and held down by what we have fashioned to be "time". i cannot accept the way things are but i feel limited to what i can do to actually make an impact to change humanity. this created a great sadness within me. a sadness that i feel i am not in control of. i am not interested in taking a back seat ride on my journey on earth. what i mean by that is that i do not want to become one of the others that do not care about their actions, their humanity, or their spirit. however, even though one may not be taking part in a train wreck by being a passenger....watching a collision happen before your eyes everyday is not easy. this is why i believe so many sensative people turn to drugs, alcohol, overeating, over exercising, sex addiction, etc. - we just don't know what to do. i guess that is what i am on a journey to discover right now- how can i help. the anxiety i feel constantly because of my aching heart i believe is a result of the apathy that i encounter with most every individual on earth, to date. other than a few people that i am close to whome i feel "get it". by it i mean, the purpose, and the infinite nature of everything. i did not get to choose the family i was born into and i feel as though i have been on the outside of them as well, however i do feel love for them because they have been good to me. right now it has been difficult for me not to feel alone during this time because the truth of the matter is that most people want to live in their box. they are comfortable with their close minded version of life and change is an unknown frontier, which can be very frightening. i am afraid too. however, i am also very excited. it is not easy to break down my physical life and learn to seperate the two, ie. my physical birth here on earth with the family i have...and the infinite nature of my spirit. i enjoy being on earth, it's very fun, but there is a duality between the physical world and spiritual. i think it is important to live in both and to accept that both are good. something that crossed my mind in the past and is begging to make sense to me even further now is the death of my brother in 2000. looking back, i knew it was going to come to fruition, but why? listening to "bringers of the dawn" and understanding that cues were set in my lifetime to trigger these feelings, well now i have a slight suspicion that my brother died so that i might have this understanding and experience. without it i do not believe, no, i know, i would not be here on this journey right now. it truly opened my eyes to what i felt inherently during my childhood, but because of this physical world, forgot. and looking back now i know it was the love he had for me that allowed for all of this to happen. i am excited about learning more and more and diving in deeper to infinity.

i'm going to continue to post my feelings about all of this here for reflection in the future. ironically, a close family friend of mine who my dad calls my "long lost sister" i just found out is undergoing this same transformation. i had been asking for someone to share this with....not on a personal level really, but something that might ease my mind about it because at first i was aprehensive and somewhat afraid....breaking down realities is not easy....and i think that she was a wink that said it's okay to proceed. :)

i love muse!!