Sunday, January 22, 2012

For the past few day’s I’ve felt a reconnection occurring, something that I’ve not felt for the better part of a good six months. It began with a small twinge within my body and has slowly made its way to the core of my Being.  It is a feeling that I’ve locked away on the inside, for no other purpose then embracing the dark side of my personality.  While this embrace has had it’s entertaining moments, once again I feel the shift occurring back towards the Light.

These phases occur much like the phases of the moon, with my personality and motivations waxing and waning through the seasons.  I am not at the point of re-emerging from the Dark Night of the soul and like the newly born flora reaching upwards towards the Light. I can remain within these Dark Nights for quite some time until an event, word or action rekindles the Spark that lies within. I then remember who I really am and that what has happened before what a mere distortion of my true Self.

It is within these rebirths that I sit and ponder the Human Race and it’s motivations, goals, fears, and overall path. Looking back on my life I recall having great moments of compassion for this race and great moments of contempt.  What happened to the Human race to have them turn away from their true Nature and become so trapped within the experience that amnesia is an almost permanent state?  Are forces unknown to the vast majority of the species able to manipulate the physical being to such an extent that too the Soul can become entrapped and forget its true origin?

I suppose anything within the confines of the Universe is possible, even to the extent of manipulation by an unknown force.  With that said there would be a balance required so that equilibrium can be maintained.  Whether or not this balance is required for the physical cosmos to maintain their existence is something I cannot truthfully answer. I have seen both sides of the coin and can appreciate both aspects motivation.

Each Entity in existence has a choice to make and sometimes this choice can waiver back and forth. I do not believe that a Being can be ever lost when it chooses Darkness over Light,  at least I hope not.  I do believe, however that a firm choice to the Darkness can lead to state near annihilation and I would hope that mercy would prevail for that Being to be saved from their own destructive attitudes.  How this Mercy is carried out is not known to me so I have no authority to comment on the matter further. I would hope that it does exist, but beyond that I have no solid proof. A sad Universe it would be if some sort of failsafe did not  exist for those lost individuals.

It begs the question as to the true nature of our existence. The question has been asked since Man looked up at the stars and poised the question “What am I?”  Here we are on this planet rotating around and around an ignited ball of gases, living and dying. Most of us are content to be within this cycle and never question why; why are we here?  Other individuals look up and do question their existence and look to make their time here productive.

So who am I? I used to think I knew, I was so certain of my identity that I took on a label for so long. At first it was called “Jon” and then as my understanding increased so did my Identity and it took on another name and identity. It’s easy to become comfortable with yourself at stages, it’s easier to just bury your head in the sand and live a content existence never questioning further. And then it hits you again the question of “why?” From there your identity shifts again into something new and expanded then what you were previously.

Along with this feeling comes a sense of sadness, knowing that what you had before will no longer remain close.  It’s a reason why I can related to the fictional character Dr. Who, every time he changes he loses something close to him and you can see the pain within his eyes.  With change always comes some form of loss.

I really am unable to place a label as to what I am.  Perhaps that’s the best possible thing I could do for myself. Instead of placing myself within an expected role, I should simply follow along the path laid out before me and not sink into a title.  I know that I have two choices before me, one is a life with my head buried in the sand. The other is one less traveled, but has the potential to help a great number of people. Identity is a silly thing at times.

A lighthouse on a rocky short to guide those lost to port, or a Nine to Fiver?  I choose the less traveled path.  It’s always been something ingrained within me, something I cannot and would not want to run away from. Do I really have a choice in the matter? I believe I do have a choice, the real question is do I want to suffer or be a part of something greater?