That title probably best describes this question I have - from what angle should I address this problem I have created for myself?
So I followed my intuition and found some things that I am glad I now know, but that now are haunting me instead. I am in a relationship with a person who acted like he was interested in me, but turns out, in the past, it was simply a feeling of obligation and fear that I would hurt our baby that made him stay with me. He is still with me after I confronted him about all of this, which could be seen as him actually seeing something in me, or could as well mean that he is still lying to me and staying with me because he feels obligated, to me, or the baby. I think it is worth mentioning that I was never any danger to our baby - I had no depression and pretty much no mood swings during the pregnancy, and the birth that I was a little worried would spur some old issues with depression, didn't. I made it as a single mom for the first 2 months without any depression. I've found myself to be a lot stronger than I thought I was. But yeah, here I am, with a guy who lied me straight into my face, even when I confronted him straight out. I voiced my thoughts on him only being with me for the baby, and he told me that he would never be that stupid. I had to be "crazy" and do some digging to get to know the truth and for him to step up to what he did.
So my real issue right now is "trust". I have often felt that it would be better for me to just get out and open myself up to that relationship that completes me, where I am appreciated for who I am and where someone sees the light in me (unlike this guy who actually seemed convinced I would hurt the baby - which I would never do) - but I keep wanting to be with this guy - which is why he has been able to lie to me so many times and I've bought into it - I wanted to believe in what he told me, rather than what he was showing me.. And here I am, wanting to trust him, yet with our past, it is probably not all too hard to see why I wouldn't. I get stuck - my trusting nature was what made me buy into his lies in the first place, yet that is exactly what I should do now, trust? I want to let go of fears, of control, but how?
I'm trying to find the thoughts, the mindset, to make it all work. I spend a lot of time making sure I take good care of myself, in order to keep me from getting depressed about this all.
I try to just simply say "Great things come to me" and let go to the universe to work out the details. I've tried to tell myself that it is without of my control what he does, to relax and let go, but that hasn't worked for me - I feel that protecting my feelings IS up to me, so if his actions has the power to hurt me, if he matters to me, then it is my duty towards myself to be on my guard and protect myself if I see a storm coming.
Yesterday I watched something on TV that gave me this insight - it is almost as if I have this phobia - a phobia of being left. Not that I am afraid of being alone, but I am spending a lot of time trying to find coping behaviors and looking for signs that I need to run or defend myself. It consumes me and makes my life stressful - and I don't want this anymore - but I can't find the key out.
I don't know why it's so hard to hear sometimes. I guess I never trusted what I heard, until very recently - which has helped me hear more, at times anyway. It took me the book Conversations with God to explain that receiving a message does not require that you hear a voice from some unseen source - that "God" speaks to us in all ways. This should not have been news to me - and it really wasn't - but I had forgot about this simple truth. I was stuck thinking I'd hear some clear voice and I'd be 100% sure that it was God talking - and ignored my inner knowledge that God is the everything, God is in us, and thus, communicates through thoughts, feelings, intuition, and through the outside world, through the people we meet, the things we experience, our dreams, everything. If God is everything, then there is no limit to how God communicates. Yet it can be so hard to trust that what I experience is in fact something enlightened and worth listening to - but then there are those moments that are so pure in energy that you just know.The very last moment I had was spurred by my little daughter - she is only 3 weeks old and generally focuses her eyes on something - and I've noticed a lot that she looks behind my shoulder, into thin air. My mom tries to find some obvious explanation, but there is none (ie. no light source or something on the wall behind me) - and I'm convinced she is seeing this one guardian or angel that I think I have with me. I always picture this light, male figure standing behind me - not that I've ever been able to see my guide, but I still feel like there is something to my wishful thinking. So one day, when I was feeling frustrated, and I was holding my daughter who was looking over my shoulder - I was filled with this thought, that I took as a message from my guardian. The message was pure, simple, and something that should come natural, but for me, it doesn't. The message was simple:"Live for yourself - be happy, and the rest of your life will align with this."I had just been spending a lot of time thinking about these relationship issues I'm still having - and this message was just what I needed to find some comfort. I've been trying so hard to not get on my partners nerves, to not make him react to anything I do, to earn his acceptance and love - and this "voice" from my guardian just conveyed this strong feeling and message that as soon as I was happy, I'd automatically find myself where I wanted to be - and it also reminded me that I was not even being myself right now, so no wonder I've been feeling miserable. I've been so focused on earning his love, which is unattainable and gives away my own power and worth to someone else - and if I love myself, I won't even have to work to find people who appreciate me - they will be around simply because I'll be at a better frequency and my surrounding will match that. At least that is what I was told by whatever that source was - and it rings true with a lot of ideas I've read. Also, for that split second, I realized I did not need his love nor acceptance - and that gave me strength to consider the possibility of things not working out between us.So now I'm trying to be more honest - be more me - to dare to take confrontation if it means that I take care of myself doing so. I hope to find myself open to more of these messages - to help me to reach where I want to be. Anyone have good ways of opening up to these messages - feel free to share them.
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I have been going through a lot of emotions. I am pregnant, in a new relationship, that is now long distance - and I find myself struggling to trust my partner, perhaps for good reasons. Some people tell me I am overly sensitive, others tell me that I make too many excuses for my partner and that he is lucky to have such an easily manipulated partner as me.Well, the issue is that he isn't happy. I know there are a lot of things going on in his life right now, but I keep having this feeling that the main reason he is unhappy is because he is trying to make this work without even knowing why or without really wanting to (but that he just, for some reason I quite don't understand, doesn't want to admit to it).I can't say I understand myself why I want it to work so badly, but I think the main difference is that I am more adaptable and try to understand our differences, while, from what he tells me, it seems he focuses on the negatives and blames most of it on me (and I am way too good at accepting the blame even when he is being unfair - hoping that somehow it will make him more ok about me.) Someone here said that perhaps we vibrate on different levels, which perhaps is the sad truth.It seems that we are both trying to make something work, for reasons we don't understand, while feeling that we are just so different. I thought I had come to terms with how he was different, but about that time I started being more comfortable and thus more open, more honest, more me - he started pulling away and sometimes even attacking me for being me. And what good does it do for me to meet him where he is, if he doesn't even want to meet me right outside of his front door?I get the feeling that he honestly thinks he loves me, but his actions do not speak of love the way I think of that feeling, and there is just something that I can't put my finger on. Sometimes I think he may feel obligated to be with me somehow - because I cant see why he'd treat me poorly yet say he loves me. His actions do not match his words. Its like he is so convinced that he loves me because he cannot deal with letting me down or something. But some things are all but loving and caring, like focusing on all the bad, just blaming me for every emotion he has, and I can't express any emotions myself without him reacting poorly. If I'm loving, its "too much", if I'm telling him about me or my day, I am "selfish", if I am cuddly, I am "clingy and needy". Things that should be positive, but just annoy him to the point of lashing out at me and telling me I have an unhealthy point of view about what a relationship should be like. I get the impression that he wants a roomie with privileges - a playmate to have fun with, but not necessarily feel too attached too. A "Fear of intimacy" sign is flashing in my head - and that's a fear that can ruin a possible relationship, or a fear that can disappear with time and patience.I have told him that I need him to be honest and that he needs to know why he is even trying - because obviously it doesn't seem to be what he really wants, and if so, he is wasting both of ours time. I just don't want to be the one to break up for him, because I do want to be with him and for things to work - so I don't want to take that responsibility. What he needs/wants is up to him - not me.Its just all really hard - things are bad, we are spending too much time apart, I worry a lot because of the state of the relationship, he has been really moody lately (a lot of other things have been going on around him too so its not all me, but it still makes me worry.) Now he is going back to this job with more people around him, and I am feeling like I'm loosing him - that he will find someone on his level. I guess I should want him to be happy, its just so hard to see that its an emotional block in him and that things could work - then again, I'm not the one to tell him what HE wants. He may want to stay in ignorance - after all, he thinks I'm the messed up one for being in touch with my emotions and for being empathetic in general - so HIS truth is that it is better to stay in a naive happy-neutral balance and always ignore and be uncomfortable about the negatives - while my truth is that there are no negatives and things are no worse than you make them. Stress for instance is just a natural response to circumstances around you, and you can see it just like that, as a response to something, rather than this overwhelming, scary force.I keep having this saying in my head when I think about all of this - what man does not understand, he destroys. Well, it feels like that is where my partner is at with me - he doesnt understand, he doesnt even bother to - if he ever brings up his interpretation of how I am and I try to help him see that he is jumping to conclusions or making things seem worse than they are, he just ignores my attempt at trying to help him understand it the way I see it. He wants to destroy or get distance from me because he doesnt understand me, but he doesnt want to try to understand me. There's just no winning...Long rant and I'll probably only get the answers I don't want to face - to get out of this. I'd do anything to make it work, or at least to get a chance to see what happens with time and getting to know eachother more (we've only known eachother since late March this year.) I dont even know why I am writing - maybe I am hoping that someone with better mental abilities than me can bring me some clarity into this man..I am more or less driving myself crazy, feeling like he will leave me, while not wanting things to end btw us - then sometimes being told I am being over sensitive and reading things into the situation that aren't there, AND, he does still try to make it work, so I know he must have SOME kind of motivation, even if we cant talk about it (me being insecure enough to ask makes him push me away.. So I am pretty much acting strong and happy around him just to avoid stepping on his toes...) I guess I just want something to hold on to, some hope, some understanding as to what I can do, if anything, to help the relationship out..
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A lot of people responded to my first blog post and I felt that I wanted to share some news, and with that some more positive energy that I have found.After that posting, I went on a roller coaster trip that would send me further down - but in a way that was a good thing, sometimes we have to feel a little worse to get to the point where we actually care about doing something about our situation.That low, and the extreme wish for someone to care that it brought me, lead me to remember this site that I had used earlier in my previous, emotionally abusive relationship - and which helped me a great deal at the time - the site is www.dailystrength.org - a site with online support groups for all kinds of situation. This gave me the ability to talk about my feelings uncensored, and without having to worry about how all the "perfect people" would react to my imperfection (the imperfection referred to here is my inability to cope with my emotions at times.) There I can also vent without having to worry about being a black hole, a negative influence or stealing positive energy from people - wherever I am at and whatever I am experiencing, it is okay to vent it there.So if anyone is experiencing any kind of difficulties and feel like they need to vent it and/or get some feedback on it - then that page could be worth a try. You will find friendly and supportive people who may have experienced similar challenges and can add another dimension to your thoughts.Anyway - just wanted to post this to say that I am feeling better, and I also wanted to point out that page, in case anyone reading this would be interested or curios.
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I would love to just use my blog to vent beautiful, rational, precious messages, insight into things - positive energy - but I want to start my returning presence with an acknowledgment of the things that have passed by in my life recently, and that I feel have had an impact on my development.Less than 3 years ago, I met this suicidal guy over the internet. I fell in love with his sensitive nature, and left everything I owned in Sweden to come be with him in the states. That lasted for a little less than two years - due to his insecurities creating emotionally abusive behaviors towards the one person he trusted the most (me) - and I was unable to find a way to deal with it and ended up feeling bitter, because I didn't see how anything I did at first made me deserve such hurtful behaviors (I would come to act worse as I started feeling worse and may have felt that it was more validated at the end - none the less, it was nothing that was beneficial for either of us.)I now find myself in a new relationship, and due to some naivety on my behalf (and his too I guess) - I now find myself pregnant. I have always wanted to be a mom - I've always been a very caring soul - I'm just not sure this was the right time. Sure, I don't believe everything in life should be planned, and there will always be something wrong with the timing if that is what you want to focus upon. The main issue here is a personality difference between me and my partner, that I have yet to figure out what to do about. He is VERY rational, planned, and somewhat "contained". I on the other hand am very sensitive, very caring, very emotional - and I'm feeling somewhat emotionally deprived - hard for me to explain how, but that is my spontaneous description of how I feel...I actually just realized, after getting off the phone with my mom, that I've gone from appreciating my newfound "closeness" with her - to becoming more of a porcupine - defensive. I think that has do with how similar my new partner is to her, WITH all the traits that I really have a hard time handling around my mom.I guess the point being is that I don't know how happy I am where I am and I will need to figure out something - some source of energy, inspiration, or some kind of change, to make myself feel better. I think that is why I am here - kinda reaching out for the positive energy - even though I often find myself feeling guilty for not adding much of value (cant give what you don't have..), and sometimes worrying that my wish for inspiration is rather a darker force - a black hole or a monster eating up positive energy, without giving anything - thereby being a negative influence and a negative force that has little use or value. I'm just really lost as to how to find back to the light - to that positive feeling in life..I am leaving this public and opening myself up for any kind of criticism - hoping that something good might come out of this.
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