My Introduction

Hello everyone. I hope you're having a fun holiday. My post is going to be fairly long, so I apologize for that. Also, I apologize for an ignorance I display. I'm new to these types of communities, a week ago I had no idea what many of these things meant. I'm still learning. If you read this, thank you so much. I guess I need advice.So, here's a history. I'm 23 years old. I don't want to give my life story so I'm going to try to condense things into important events in my life.At a young age, I began an obsession with believing in aliens (or is it ET? I don't know the right terminology!). I saw movies and television shows about "grey" beings. Whenever I saw one, I was struck with instant fear. I felt as though this was the biggest threat to me. I'd watch horror shows and be afraid of things like monsters too, but the Greys stood out in my mind. My whole body tingles when I think of them, and it has as soon as I first saw their representation.As much as I feared them, I was fascinated by them more. A memory sticks out in my brain of an old notebook I would doodle in in 3rd grade. It was full of Grey iconography. I was draw their shaped heads perfectly. I would draw the huge pear shaped eyes and shade them in with pencil til they were black. I would draw buildings that said Area 51 and Roswell. I would draw flying saucers. I don't know why I was so attached to something I feared more than anything. I still don't. For the record, I've never been abducted or contacted. I've seen what I believe were UFO's but could also have been something else.Now I will talk about my mother. My mother was a Christian, but she was more than that. She had spiritual experiences. She would speak of floating above her body as a child and not knowing what it meant. She was very intuitive. She said she had dreams of me while pregnant that reflected how I would look years later. She never had any sort of mental illness, so I have no reason to doubt her.She once told me she believed aliens were trading humans for technology, and that explained how fast technology has moved in the past 50 or so years. It made perfect sense to me. Before my mother died, I went on a tiny spiritual journey. I wanted to know what God was and what the truth was. I would get the Yellow pages and circle different churches and research what it meant. Why are Baptists different than Catholics? What's Buddhism? My mother encouraged this. She died in 2001 of heart failure, at the age of 49.This is probably the most defining moment of my life. I'll just say, it was hard. I was 12 and only had my dad left. I was surrounded by a lot of negativity and a lot of spiritual searching. It happened at the same time. I got the internet and delved into alternative religions such as paganism and Satanism. I would try it out a bit, then get bored. I remember once putting a "spell" on a teacher, and the next day she wasn't there. She apparently got life threatening pneumonia and never returned. I don't know if spells are real, or if I influenced anything. But I asked for her to go away and she did, and I was afraid.I got into drugs and alcohol at this time. A lot of it was trying to numb the pain. I would drink an entire bottle of Listerine and wait for it to do something. I would drink entire bottles of Robotussin. I once took 10 caffeine pills at a time.This was a negative and dark period. My biggest way to escape however, was in my mind. I would build fantasies worlds and in depth characters and played out scenes. This started with my mom dying, and still goes on. It's to a lesser extent today. But I believe that's what kept my sanity intact back then. I couldn't handle thoughts of my mom and I would pray they would go away. My worlds filled my needs.Things began to change when I was 17. I was pulled out of my darkness and became more productive. No chemical substances, was pretty healthy, looking forward to college, and happy. I felt at peace with my mom. After 7 years, at age 20 I began having dreams of her. Really pleasant dreams, where we would walk or have fun or celebrate holidays. I remember having deep conversations with her.The most memorable dream was one where I felt her emotions. I don't think about, so I've forgotten some. But it's as if my feelings of loss disappeared and I felt her feelings of loss. What she went through leaving a 12 year old child on her own. I felt her loss was far greater than mine. She hugged me and said "heaven isn't heaven without you". The night before my 20th birthday, she left a note saying happy birthday. It was such a real dream when I woke up I looked for the note believing it had to be there.The January of my 20th year, my father passed away suddenly. He had cancer, but it wasn't too bad. But apparently he had a small stomach bleed that, thanks to the chemo, caused him to bleed half to death before I realized. I blame myself for his death, in a way. I won't go into that. He laid dying in the hospital bed and I kept seeing his heart stop and start again. He was strong, but was just losing blood too fast. He died senselessly. All I told him was that mommy would be so proud for all he did for me. The last thing he said to me was "can i have some ice" and I said okay and left. I didn't get it, I cried.He went through hell for 8 hours being resuscitated. For that, I am proud. I won't go into my father a ton except to say he was like me. Always searching. He was a Christian too, and initially upset at all the phases in spirituality I went through. He eventually had a dream that said to let me, so he did. He was quite the explorer himself, and joined the Freemasons. I'm left with a ton of his golden rings that represent some level of something I'll never know about.I loved my father and he fought hard to stay alive and I'll never forget he came back 4 times. I didn't like the circumstances of his death but...what can I say? After he died I was in a hospital waiting room and asked for something to drink. I was given a glass of orange juice. Here, my perspective changed. Nothing ever tasted better than that orange juice. Suddenly I felt so alive. I was alive on this planet and nothing mattered as much as that. I'm not rich or good looking, but I'm here. I'm alive, and I'm loved. I'm here to experience how good this orange juice tastes, something my father can no longer do. I know that sounds stupid. I can't even put into words what it even meant.I handed my father's death better, I guess cause I'm older. I heard his voice the night he died while I lay half sleeping it bed. It was so booming I jumped up. I had a dream he was in a heavenly place holding my mother's hand. My mother was so bright and shining in silver, but my dad looked grey and dingy. But she was holding his hand. I told him I was sorry, and he said for what? He seemed speechless for what I was sorry for. I hope he's brighter now and I hope that means he forgives me.Life since then has been a mixture of good and bad. I've gone through depression. I went back to drinking, a lot. But again, like when I turned 17. I feel I'm being pulled out of this. I want something in life. I recognize HOW blessed I am. I had a wonderful father for 20 years, can many make that claim? I feel the power of love so much sometimes I can't help but cry. All the people in the world I've met who've shown me kindness. I feel a part of everything and I feel so much love and I want to express it.But my ego remains. I get shy. I'm not sure what to do. I doubt.I don't believe in any religions anymore. I do believe God is akin to a force of love. I believe in souls. As soon as I heard the theory that aliens created the world, it clicked. It made sense in a way religion never did.I'm trying to become more spiritual, but I face fear. The same fear I had of Greys as a child is here. I'm scared this stuff is real, if that makes sense. It's so awe inspiring. I'm afraid to figure out this isn't my first time around. I'm afraid to remember I picked this life.Believing in nothing is easy, but I can't anymore. I feel too inspired.I think maybe I am a starseed. I fit a lot of the, er, symptoms? Interest in ETs since I was young. A feeling of not belonging. A higher mission, a higher calling. I want and crave knowledge and I need it as much as I need water.But maybe that's ego. Maybe I'm just a regular old average person. That's fine too. I'm still able to feel love and that's what I feel is all.I must improve my life. Diet, stop taking in substance. I've dealt with some health problems. I must meditate and project more.But most of all, I must stop fearing. I am full of light and love. I cannot be afraid of Greys, or whatever they did to me in the past. I cannot be afraid to find out what I am.If you read this, thank you. It's not well-written, and I am in a rush to a Christmas party. But I had to get it out.I love all of you. Always. Advice/comments appreciated.Think that's a lot, I left half the story out! :)

Hi, Kkandori - welcome to Ashtar Command!

I'm sorry that you seem to have gone through so much in a relatively short amount of time. I've been through grief myself, so I have some understanding of how it feels, although I can't pretend to have had the same experiences. Rest assured, I empathise.

I feel very similar to you in some ways... the idea of extra terrestrials makes more sense to me than any religion I've ever looked into. I've been fascinated with the idea from a young age. I don't think I've ever been abducted, although I have had some strange experiences.

If you haven't already, I'd recommend you read a book called "Journey of Souls" by Dr. Michael Newton. It's really helped me over the years. And I can understand why you feel a sense of guilt over your father's death, but really, you shouldn't. I very much doubt he'd want you to feel bad about it. He'd want you to be happy!

I hope this site gives you some of the answers you're searching for, and that you've had a good Christmas!

Love and light x

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Replies

0qalwwvp3q7mb January 1, 2012 at 8:49am

kandori I have the same problem as you i cant stop thinking about aliens either I really hope we can catch up soon enough.
Kkandori December 27, 2011 at 3:43am

Lezlianne, thank you. Thank you so much, and more than anything. I cried as I read this, and reread it many times. Thank you for showering me with such love. I never looked at fear the way you spoke of it. It's true, I have faced many of my fears on the physical world. I don't think I'm courageous but I think I survived it. Yay.

All of what you said made me happy in a way I can't explain. Thank you. I love you.
Kkandori December 27, 2011 at 3:37am

I hope this Tolec is right!

Love
Kkandori December 27, 2011 at 3:34am

Thank you, love.
Kkandori December 27, 2011 at 3:23am

Thank you for the book suggestions, I'm going to have to read a lot! I'm sorry about your mom.

I am sure you are who you know you are. It's so exciting to realize all the potential we have and that we're not just bodies from Earth with no other destiny. It's fun.

Love, always.
Achilles December 26, 2011 at 8:11pm

Hi, Kkandori - welcome to Ashtar Command!

I'm sorry that you seem to have gone through so much in a relatively short amount of time. I've been through grief myself, so I have some understanding of how it feels, although I can't pretend to have had the same experiences. Rest assured, I empathise.

I feel very similar to you in some ways... the idea of extra terrestrials makes more sense to me than any religion I've ever looked into. I've been fascinated with the idea from a young age. I don't think I've ever been abducted, although I have had some strange experiences.

If you haven't already, I'd recommend you read a book called "Journey of Souls" by Dr. Michael Newton. It's really helped me over the years. And I can understand why you feel a sense of guilt over your father's death, but really, you shouldn't. I very much doubt he'd want you to feel bad about it. He'd want you to be happy!

I hope this site gives you some of the answers you're searching for, and that you've had a good Christmas!

Love and light x
- Kkandori > Achilles December 27, 2011 at 3:36am
  
  Nice to meet you Sarah, that is my cousin's name. hehe
- Kkandori > Achilles December 27, 2011 at 3:35am
  
  Thank you for the book suggestion! I'm going to check it out.
  
  Love
Pichu December 26, 2011 at 7:26pm

I recomend you pay some attention to this people

maybe not everything will ring true but, different versions of the same story don't hurt!

And before you get really into the researching part, look for the law of attraction and understand it, it will help you to discern between your thoughts and not to get stuck in fear... cuz you'll find some scary shit man!
- Kkandori > Pichu December 27, 2011 at 3:34am
  
  I need to work on controlling my thoughts. I'll read stuff about Greys/Reps online. THat will make me scared. I'll start looking around. I'll get nervous and get tingles (not the good kind) and shivering in my body. I get more afraid. I wonder if they're aware of me and my thoughts. This goes on and on until finally I watch a movie or listen to a song and think of something else.
  
  I know I probably sound irrationally paranoid, but I'm not. I don't think about this constantly. It's only when that first thought gets into my head and it's hard to stop. And I have never reacted to other things in that manner.
  
  And now I must ask...what are the things more frightening than greys? If it's ET related, I don't react to reptilians in the same way, or rather the thought of them. I know they're supposedly the most heinous and cruel, but to me nothing is scarier than something without emotion. Emotion is everything to me and to encounter some being without it...unimaginable.
  
  Ah, wrote a lot again.

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