Rope Free...!!!

You are not telling me what to do... you are holding me with a rope tied around my neck and the more you decide for me (how I should look, walk, eat , talk, whom I should be friends with, what should I let them call me..), the more painful your grip becomes...

 

With each decision of your love and protection, you steal a bit of life from me... With each horrible word that you use to MAKE me UNDERSTAND because I am "dumb"... you suffocate me...

And not long after, I lose consciousness... My soul sleeps a deep sleep... Its afraid to see what has become of me…

 

I become a puppet in your hands:

You say slap him, I slap him...

You say , shout at him, I shout at him...

You say , send a message of hate to her, I send a message of hate to her...

You say , beat the dog , I beat the dog...

You say , beat the dog harder , I beat the dog harder...

You say, leave your sister, I leave my sister...

You say, move away from relatives, I move away from relatives...

 

With each agreement I make with you, you become more merciless... as if testing when my soul will break...

 

But my soul has left me... to find a peaceful place to rest. I am alone... no one to rescue me...

 

But then one day you strangle our dog...bringing back my soul from deep sleep... the protector , the mother in me wants to kill you... Wants to suck the life out of you... for torturing an innocent and loving animal... that you love more than me... But I love you… I hit you with my hands, it does not hurt you, I ask you to let me leave the house… you don’t… You want me to see this torture… This show is for me…!!!

 

My soul asks me this question - "He loves that dog more than you... and he can still torture the dog, without even feeling a little bit sad ...doing the act as if he was carrying on the job of god himself... something sacred..., then what will he do with you? Is he doing the same with you? Torturing you to teach you a lesson? Is this what you wanted? Is he worth all this?"

 

And my soul rests again, putting those questions in my mind... but not giving me strength to leave you...You are supposedly my protector...my lover...

How can I leave you... who will protect me? Who will love me? Whom will I love? I cry, you become ignorant of my cries... I know this... But I don't cry for you... I cry because of my cowardice... my helplessness... I wish there was something that I could do... I have tried talking to you, loving you, hitting you and leaving you... nothing works... I always come back to you...

 

There are days, when you shout at me on phone and I go to the my house’s kitchen, thinking to end my life... Thinking -“Enough - I cant leave him and I cant live with him... There is only one solution...

Death... Death will end it all... Death will give me peace... It will teach him a lesson...”

But my sister is soundly sleeping in the next room... What will happen to her, when she finds my burnt body in the morning... or my distorted body on the floor of the building... Why should she suffer because of my cowardice?

No... I cant kill myself... I need to gather up the courage to leave him... to be not afraid of him...!!!

 

Today again you are shouting at me... everyday its a new thing that I did wrong... yesterday I left the food packet open, today I am choosing bad and ugly curtains because my taste is becoming rotten like my soul...

 

I stop listening to you... I gather up all the courage I have... I am not listening... I know you are still shouting at me, in the middle of a mall... In front of everyone... but i have got used to this... I know these people will soon disappear.... and I will have to deal with you and you alone...

 

I am still gathering courage... asking my soul to help... My soul is not there to help me, its sleeping... I am alone...

 

“But I can't ... No I can't live with him... No I just can't....” I keep hearing these words from inside me... but these words are not coming out... I am not saying them...

 

Now I can literally see these words floating in the air, right next to your face... But I am not saying it...

 

You ask me something ... I try to listen... but I don’t know what you are asking... I just blurt out... "I don't want to be with you anymore"

 

You dont react, you pick the curtains... no not the ones i picked...reminding me that my taste is rotten, like me.

 

You take my hand and the curtains as if we both are your objects… and move towards the cash counter… I am thinking… “Good , he has not heard what I said… Good… I don’t need to be afraid…”

 

Then you ask me once we are in the line at the cash counter “What did you mean?”

I start trembling inside… You heard it … Now what? Will I lie? Will I  tell the truth and escape…? There was not much time… You shouted a little… What??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN???

 

I blurted out the same words - "I don't want to be with you anymore"

 

You keep quiet… I knew you are thinking something… I am hoping that you will say “WHY?” “What did I do wrong?”and I will heal you… I will give you more love and I will make more sacrifices, if that’s what it takes to make you understand my love… I am hoping… you will be shocked… I am  hoping you will say “Please don’t leave me. I will not live with out you” And I will see hope in my relationship with you…

 

But when you open your mouth… Only hell comes out… You say “If you want to leave, leave… But always remember that you are doing this break up… you will be blamed for our break up”

 

I lose all hope… I started crying… I knew this was the end…I had lost my lover… But there was also happiness but it was not visible to me just yet….

 

I left the mall… and as I was walking away from you… my crying diminished… I felt as if my soul was healing itself… like broken bones getting fixed on its own… just by my moving away from you… At one point, my crying stopped completely…

 

Now I hear a voice… over my right shoulder, like a whisper… “I am proud of you”

I turn my head from side to side… I see no one else… I realize its my soul talking to me … I have missed this voice for 2 years… my soul is awake now…with me… re-united with me… I am so happy… I go to celebrate my freedom with my favorite “Pani Puri”.

 

And I thought to myself – “You just broke up a 5 year old relationship and you are eating Pani Puri? Whats wrong with you?”

A voice came again : “Nothing …I am just rope free now…!!!”

 

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In the honor of strong women – who suffer both emotional and physical torture, because they fear of being alone…who think that they are not strong enough to face the world and face the people...But Who find the true courage hidden inside them…Sooner or later…And break the rope and free themselves…

 

To every man and woman : Live a rope free life… Nothing is worth that rope :)

 

Love to all :)

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