Wednesday 25 July 2007
I am with you at last:
Today when I went to meditate, towards the end of my meditation something happened, not that it doesn't usually, but this was different. You appeared in front of me. It was like seeing you in a dream - my eyes were shut but I had not fallen asleep. From the moment I saw you, you just started talking to me as though this was perfectly normal; you didn't give me any time to be astounded. Your image was crystal clear and many times I have longed to be able to imagine you like this and never achieved it. What was even more amazing was you were actually talking to me, as though we did this all the time! I opened one eye and closed it: you were still there. I opened the other eye and closed it: you were still there. I opened both my eyes and looked around the room then closed them: you were still there! By now you were getting a bit impatient with me on account of the fact that I was not listening to you at all.
Then I listened. You said "Jo, give me your hands." So I did and you took hold of then with your hands and gently pulled them towards your heart. They disappeared into your chest and I got scared and started pulling back. You said "Trust me, it's OK, just relax." So I did and you pulled the whole of me right into your heart and somehow you came in with me, although now you were also surrounding us.
You said "Have a look around." I did: it was like a big golden room the walls and floor were like golden autumn sunshine. I looked up and I could see your ribcage and the underneath of your chin and face and head. The walls and ceiling were made up of your ribcage and so the ceiling was sort of domed.
"Do you like it?" you asked.
"Yes, it's beautiful," I said. But then I just wanted to look at you. For a while I had been aware that I needed to go to the loo, but I was trying to ignore it.
Then you said: "Jo, you need to go to the toilet."
"Yes I know, but I don't want to."
"Because if I'm having a nice dream and I get up and go to the loo, I can never get back into it and I think that will happen to this."
"No it won't, this isn't a dream, you can go and I will be right here waiting for you when you come back, I promise."
"All the same I think I don't want to risk it."
"Jo, go to the loo!" you said, smiling.
So I opened my eyes. Everything was so normal and I went to the loo as fast as I could. When I came back and sat down in bed and closed my eyes, I was convinced you would not be there, but you were and you were standing there looking at you watch.
"Feel better now?"
"Yes thank you," I said.
There were two little wooden chairs facing each other in the middle of the room. You told me to sit down on one and you sat on the other. You said "Jo there's something I need to do." Then you put your hands on the back of my neck and pushed my head down towards my chest. I got really scared and I felt a dread in the pit of my stomach. You said "Jo, trust me, let go, it will be OK." So I did and you pushed me headfirst into my own heart and you came in with me.
I didn't notice myself above us this time, like I did you. You said "Look around Jo, feel it, this is your heart." It was similar to yours but smaller and the walls and floor and ceiling were silver like moonlight or the dry seed head of the honesty plant. At the back there was a large curved opening that went right up to the ceiling.
"Have a look," you said, leading me to the opening and I looked through. It was as though we were very high up looking down on an entire world, just like earth. I could see forests, oceans, lakes, rivers, mountains, towns, cities and people, but the weird thing was the people were all me!
"They're all me!" I said, thinking to myself that I really wouldn't want to live in a world like that!
You laughed and said, "That's because it is your heart. I really love it here. Would you like to live in a world entirely populated by me?"
"Wow! Yes please!" I felt you had just come up with a dream so wild I had never even thought of it. You beamed at me and put your hands either side of my face.
"That is what it is like in my heart and I am inviting you to come there and stay there for ever. Would you like that?"
"Yes please," I said, feeling at last that I had found my Heaven.
"To do this you must let me live in your heart, because this is where I want to be. Every time you go to your heart you will also get to my heart and vice versa, we will be linked, but if you change your mind it can be undone."
"Yes," I said, "but I might need you to show me how to let you into my heart."
"No problem. I've got the keys," you giggled. "Now," you said "look into my eyes."
I was suddenly overcome with shyness and embarrassment. I knew that you would look right into my heart and I would feel naked and I didn't feel worthy of your gaze. I couldn't for the life of me understand why on earth you would want to live in my heart. I thought maybe this is just something that, out of your mercy, you were doing to heal me.
All this time I was staring at your feet.
You said, "look up Jo, look into my eyes," I tried but I couldn't move my eyes.
"Look at my hands." You waved your hands in front of your feet.
"Look at my fingers." You pointed both of your forefingers at your feet.
"Now follow my fingers." You moved your forefingers slowly up towards your eyes. I followed them until I got to your knees, then I chickened out and looked at your feet again. After patiently trying this three more times, with me chickening out at your waist then your chest, then your shoulders, you finally got me to follow your fingers all the way to your eyes and you said "Now stay there!"
You were smiling and you looked so beautiful. I felt your eyes penetrate deep inside me. It felt so intimate and personal. It was a feeling of you, of your being. It was a bit surprising to me; you felt so powerful and strong like Niagara Falls thundering through me. I could barely stand for the weight of your love drenching my soul. Although I could tell you were holding back a little and being very gentle, I almost wanted to push you away, because it was so deliberate and so direct. You seemed to be enjoying it and I couldn't fathom what pleasure you would find in loving me. I felt there must be some catch somewhere and at some point you would stop and laugh at me for believing that this was anything other than game.
It seemed as though your eyes were searchlights shining into every corner of me. You reached deep into my past, back to the very beginning where I was a frightened little baby all alone. You embraced me with love and I didn't feel frightened any more. Then you reached into my future where I saw a dazzling, beautiful eternity with you and everyone. All of us were living in peace and love and kindness. All human beings and all life as one and yet individual. Evolving into more and more beauty and excellence and joy. That divinity I see in the eyes of a baby was now not only in the eyes of every being, but had also spilled out into the air itself. The love in the heart of every being had expanded and flooded the whole universe. The Heaven within us all had outgrown the boundaries of our souls and not only could we all feel it within us, but it now surrounded us endlessly. Also, and most importantly for me, no one was left out; there was no Hell and no one and nothing had been destroyed; everyone and everything was saved, including the space between things. I felt comforted by that because I love everything and everyone and the space between them and I could not enjoy it if I thought something or someone was left out.
After what seemed a bliss-filled eternity you put your hand on my cheek and said "OK love?"
"Have we done it now - are you in my heart?"
"I was already in your heart - I just wanted to look into your eyes." You smiled, "I've been in your heart since the very beginning and you've been in mine. The difference now is we get to feel it." We stood in silence for a while, then you said, "It's time to open your eyes now". I had forgotten I was sitting in bed,
"Please, I don't want to leave you."
"Good," you said "you won't be leaving me. I'm coming with you. Trust me it will be OK."
So I opened my eyes and there was the bedroom. I got up just as though nothing had happened. After a while as I was making dinner, I thought about what had just happened. I thought, gosh was that really real? I wonder if it will happen again? He is so gorgeous. What did he mean when he said I'm coming with you?
"Well actually what I meant was, I am within you and you can talk to me anytime you like. So rather than wondering things you can ask me."
"Can you hear everything I think?"
"Yes, try not to think about it too much Jo - you'll just get embarrassed," you said ...as every embarrassing thought I had ever had came thundering through my mind.
"Oh God that's awful!" I thought to myself.
"Um I'm still here, I can still hear you," you said, sounding apologetic.
"Oh I'm sorry, it's just a bit weird 'cos... I think some really... well you know... stuff I don't really want you or anyone to hear."
"Yes, well, I've heard it all and I still love you so, calm down, OK?"
(Just a little note from March 2010: I am happy to say you have been talking to me from within all day and all night ever since then and I've got used to the lack of privacy!)