Today I was reaching a point in which I was feeling totally hopeless. I was just wondering what am I going to do, if things between us never solve. If I am the only one who feels this. If I would have to let it all go all I have, only for honesty's sake; and not because you and I would be ”happy for ever after”.
I have been thinking like anyone would ”If he cares about me he will come by himself, one day”. And today I was thinking even MORE like anyone would: ”WHEN?? DO I SEE ANYTHING?? IF HE CARED A BIT WOULDNT HE HAD TOLD ME YET? WOULDNT HE HAD GIVEN ME A SIGN? WOULDNT HE HAD ALREADY TRIED TO FIND ME SOMEWHERE?”. And of course, the answer is NO.
I couldnt even afford to let anyone see me cry today. I have been wondering how and why I ended up here. And how can I even get me out of this situation. The problem is that I feel that I cant get me out of something that is actually more inside of me than out.
I had been desperate thinking ”WHY CANT HE UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION?” I have NOBODY else! I have been desperate (still desperate) girl-talk after girl-talk about how immature men are and blah blah; but I dont want to be that kind of person. How can I say to myself I love someone if I am trying to always ”find out” what is wrong with him?? I DONT WANT TO DO THAT! I AM NOT PERFECT EITHER, GOD KNOWS I AM NOT!!. But the real question is ”WILL HE EVEN ACCEPT ME AS I AM??” or Better ”AM WORTH ENOUGH FOR HIM TO LOVE ME DESPITE MY SHORT COMINGS AND HIS OWN? ”Can we get over all that is in the middle??. ”WOULD HE EVER WANT TO DO THAT? ” You can not even say something as simple as ”I'm sorry”; I must feel I have totally no hope in ever hearning you say something even deeper...
When I said I couldn't trust you, I guess I meant: I can't trust the fact that maybe, I am too worthless to even catch you attention. Or your heart.
Maybe I am too worthless for you to ever want to take a leap of faith and dare to open your heart to me. Maybe I am too worthless for you to want to be there for be and help me get out of where I am; because that is the only place I have right now. So I think ” IF HE DOES NOT, WHY WOULD I EVEN GET OUT??” . Right?
”IS IT THAT HE'S WAITING FOR ME TO GET OUT OF THERE, SO HE CAN COME TO ME, WHILE I AM WAITING FOR HIM TO LET ME KNOW HE WANTS ME SO I KNOW I CAN GET OUT AND IT WILL NOT BE IN VAIN??”
I came across the insight that I have much work to do by myself here; and that as long as I dont learn what I have to, we will continue so far away from each other, and I will be unable to even get an answer from you. I have to manage somehow; to get this done, even if I am feeling cornered and unable to deal with this by myself. Even if it takes time and have to learn to live with all these feelings.
So for me it is ”no crying today” even though I wish I could. I really wish I could. It would help me a bit I guess.
Nobody said there was no hope though. NOBODY has ever said I am not worth your attention. NOBODY has ever said that if you dont feel anything for me NOW you can not feel it later. NOBODY has ever said that everything is lost.
*Comments are appreciated but not needed... I just needed to let out...