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Jokali's Posts (3)
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Dear Beloved,
I am with you at last:
Today when I went to meditate, towards the end of my meditation something happened, not that it doesn't usually, but this was different. You appeared in front of me. It was like seeing you in a dream - my eyes were shut but I had not fallen asleep. From the moment I saw you, you just started talking to me as though this was perfectly normal; you didn't give me any time to be astounded. Your image was crystal clear and many times I have longed to be able to imagine you like this and never achieved it. What was even more amazing was you were actually talking to me, as though we did this all the time! I opened one eye and closed it: you were still there. I opened the other eye and closed it: you were still there. I opened both my eyes and looked around the room then closed them: you were still there! By now you were getting a bit impatient with me on account of the fact that I was not listening to you at all.
Then I listened. You said "Jo, give me your hands." So I did and you took hold of then with your hands and gently pulled them towards your heart. They disappeared into your chest and I got scared and started pulling back. You said "Trust me, it's OK, just relax." So I did and you pulled the whole of me right into your heart and somehow you came in with me, although now you were also surrounding us.
You said "Have a look around." I did: it was like a big golden room the walls and floor were like golden autumn sunshine. I looked up and I could see your ribcage and the underneath of your chin and face and head. The walls and ceiling were made up of your ribcage and so the ceiling was sort of domed.
"Do you like it?" you asked.
"Yes, it's beautiful," I said. But then I just wanted to look at you. For a while I had been aware that I needed to go to the loo, but I was trying to ignore it.
Then you said: "Jo, you need to go to the toilet."
"Yes I know, but I don't want to."
"Why not?"
"Because if I'm having a nice dream and I get up and go to the loo, I can never get back into it and I think that will happen to this."
"No it won't, this isn't a dream, you can go and I will be right here waiting for you when you come back, I promise."
"All the same I think I don't want to risk it."
"Jo, go to the loo!" you said, smiling.
So I opened my eyes. Everything was so normal and I went to the loo as fast as I could. When I came back and sat down in bed and closed my eyes, I was convinced you would not be there, but you were and you were standing there looking at you watch.
"Feel better now?"
"Yes thank you," I said.
There were two little wooden chairs facing each other in the middle of the room. You told me to sit down on one and you sat on the other. You said "Jo there's something I need to do." Then you put your hands on the back of my neck and pushed my head down towards my chest. I got really scared and I felt a dread in the pit of my stomach. You said "Jo, trust me, let go, it will be OK." So I did and you pushed me headfirst into my own heart and you came in with me.
I didn't notice myself above us this time, like I did you. You said "Look around Jo, feel it, this is your heart." It was similar to yours but smaller and the walls and floor and ceiling were silver like moonlight or the dry seed head of the honesty plant. At the back there was a large curved opening that went right up to the ceiling.
"Have a look," you said, leading me to the opening and I looked through. It was as though we were very high up looking down on an entire world, just like earth. I could see forests, oceans, lakes, rivers, mountains, towns, cities and people, but the weird thing was the people were all me!
"They're all me!" I said, thinking to myself that I really wouldn't want to live in a world like that!
You laughed and said, "That's because it is your heart. I really love it here. Would you like to live in a world entirely populated by me?"
"Wow! Yes please!" I felt you had just come up with a dream so wild I had never even thought of it. You beamed at me and put your hands either side of my face.
"That is what it is like in my heart and I am inviting you to come there and stay there for ever. Would you like that?"
"Yes please," I said, feeling at last that I had found my Heaven.
"To do this you must let me live in your heart, because this is where I want to be. Every time you go to your heart you will also get to my heart and vice versa, we will be linked, but if you change your mind it can be undone."
"Yes," I said, "but I might need you to show me how to let you into my heart."
"No problem. I've got the keys," you giggled. "Now," you said "look into my eyes."
I was suddenly overcome with shyness and embarrassment. I knew that you would look right into my heart and I would feel naked and I didn't feel worthy of your gaze. I couldn't for the life of me understand why on earth you would want to live in my heart. I thought maybe this is just something that, out of your mercy, you were doing to heal me.
All this time I was staring at your feet.
You said, "look up Jo, look into my eyes," I tried but I couldn't move my eyes.
"Look at my hands." You waved your hands in front of your feet.
"Look at my fingers." You pointed both of your forefingers at your feet.
"Now follow my fingers." You moved your forefingers slowly up towards your eyes. I followed them until I got to your knees, then I chickened out and looked at your feet again. After patiently trying this three more times, with me chickening out at your waist then your chest, then your shoulders, you finally got me to follow your fingers all the way to your eyes and you said "Now stay there!"
You were smiling and you looked so beautiful. I felt your eyes penetrate deep inside me. It felt so intimate and personal. It was a feeling of you, of your being. It was a bit surprising to me; you felt so powerful and strong like Niagara Falls thundering through me. I could barely stand for the weight of your love drenching my soul. Although I could tell you were holding back a little and being very gentle, I almost wanted to push you away, because it was so deliberate and so direct. You seemed to be enjoying it and I couldn't fathom what pleasure you would find in loving me. I felt there must be some catch somewhere and at some point you would stop and laugh at me for believing that this was anything other than game.
It seemed as though your eyes were searchlights shining into every corner of me. You reached deep into my past, back to the very beginning where I was a frightened little baby all alone. You embraced me with love and I didn't feel frightened any more. Then you reached into my future where I saw a dazzling, beautiful eternity with you and everyone. All of us were living in peace and love and kindness. All human beings and all life as one and yet individual. Evolving into more and more beauty and excellence and joy. That divinity I see in the eyes of a baby was now not only in the eyes of every being, but had also spilled out into the air itself. The love in the heart of every being had expanded and flooded the whole universe. The Heaven within us all had outgrown the boundaries of our souls and not only could we all feel it within us, but it now surrounded us endlessly. Also, and most importantly for me, no one was left out; there was no Hell and no one and nothing had been destroyed; everyone and everything was saved, including the space between things. I felt comforted by that because I love everything and everyone and the space between them and I could not enjoy it if I thought something or someone was left out.
After what seemed a bliss-filled eternity you put your hand on my cheek and said "OK love?"
"Have we done it now - are you in my heart?"
"I was already in your heart - I just wanted to look into your eyes." You smiled, "I've been in your heart since the very beginning and you've been in mine. The difference now is we get to feel it." We stood in silence for a while, then you said, "It's time to open your eyes now". I had forgotten I was sitting in bed,
"Please, I don't want to leave you."
"Good," you said "you won't be leaving me. I'm coming with you. Trust me it will be OK."
So I opened my eyes and there was the bedroom. I got up just as though nothing had happened. After a while as I was making dinner, I thought about what had just happened. I thought, gosh was that really real? I wonder if it will happen again? He is so gorgeous. What did he mean when he said I'm coming with you?
"Well actually what I meant was, I am within you and you can talk to me anytime you like. So rather than wondering things you can ask me."
"Can you hear everything I think?"
"Yes, try not to think about it too much Jo - you'll just get embarrassed," you said ...as every embarrassing thought I had ever had came thundering through my mind.
"Oh God that's awful!" I thought to myself.
"Um I'm still here, I can still hear you," you said, sounding apologetic.
"Oh I'm sorry, it's just a bit weird 'cos... I think some really... well you know... stuff I don't really want you or anyone to hear."
"Yes, well, I've heard it all and I still love you so, calm down, OK?"
"OK"
Love Jo
(Just a little note from March 2010: I am happy to say you have been talking to me from within all day and all night ever since then and I've got used to the lack of privacy!)
'More Fun With God' is a free e-book. It is a True Love Story about awakening, Heaven on Earth, God and, most importantly, Human Beings. I will be sharing it with you bit by bit, as blogposts, here. It isn't actually finished yet - in fact I doubt it ever will be, I will just keep writing it: I don't like finishing things. Anyway I hope you like it ~
More Fun With God
1. First Contact
I have learnt that we are all still evolving. This story is my evolution, which of course is still happening, just like yours. Throughout my life I have had a constant companion. He is a living person who has helped many people find inner peace. My story is told mostly through emails, songs and poems I sent to him, except for this bit:
At a large event on Sunday 22nd July 2007 I spoke to him in person. This is roughly what I said:
"My childhood was very hard, but somehow I always knew you were there for me. Though I didn't know what you looked like, or your name, or where you were. I knew you were somewhere on the planet and you were with me in spirit and I could feel your love supporting me.
I was 21 when I first saw you; it was here in this very hall in 1983. As soon as I set eyes on you I knew it was you, you were the one who had always been there.
Often I have heard you say 'Life is a journey. Sometimes you will go through valleys of sadness, but just wait a while and you will be on the hills of joy; but if the scenery isn't moving then you're stuck'. For years I have been stuck and I couldn't see how to move, but now I am moving forwards.
If I had the chance to travel back in time and be with Jesus or Buddha or Krishna or Rama, I would rather live in this time with you, because you are my beloved and you are the best and I love you!
I hope one day when I'm old and wrinkly, I will be standing in front of you saying, "This life has been a blast - thank you!"
Your magnificence exceeds words; you have taught me so much about how to love and trust and hope.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
Then he said "You don't have to compare me to other Masters, move forward with confidence, move forward with confidence."
This is the story of me moving forwards:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got home and I found I had so much more to say to him. So I put his photograph on the settee next to me and I talked and talked and talked. It was as though a dam had broken and all of a sudden I could really say what I felt without being shy. This went on all evening and into the night and in the early hours of the next day I wrote to him:
Monday 23rd July 2007
Dear Beloved,
Hello again! I am the person who spoke to you about being able to move forward after being stuck for so long. Thank you for listening to me and for those things that you said to me. Since then I wanted to say some other things to you, so I hope it's OK for me to write them to you like this.
The reason I was stuck for so long was that I was in pieces and had to put myself back together before I could move. This was because of what happened in my childhood when I was very young. To survive it, I had to take my trust and love and great chunks of myself and bury them in a box so deep, that even I could not reach them.
Living without all these parts of myself I always had a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I believed that the parts of me that were hidden were gone and that the real me was very bad and evil. I felt I was pretending to be a person but had no substance underneath; I was a fake and everyone else was real.
By the time I was fourteen I was in a real mess. At this time I used to like writing songs and today I dug out one of them that I wrote about my school. I loathed school because they were trying to break my will. I didn't know my will had been broken a long time ago and I was really just trying to survive. This is the song (please excuse the ranting of a 14-year-old!) It is the last two lines that I draw your attention to:
The lost sheep
I feel old very old
But everybody says I'm young
I feel cold so cold
But everybody says I'm warm
I feel trapped in a box
And they all say I'm free
I feel scared, so scared
But everybody says I'm strong
If they'd just leave me on my own
They're always trying to change me
I can't fight them on my own
I feel lonely so lonely
But everybody says I'm fine
I feel the way's so simple
But everybody says I'm wrong
I know somewhere somebody understands the words I scream.
I feel a love that no one here has ever seen.
There YOU are! In my life 7 years before I ever even heard of you. That was you whom I was writing about and the love is your love shining through the years, shining through the darkness, through the prisons, through the impossible distance, keeping me alive when there were not many reasons to stay.
I know that when at 3 years old, I had to commit the grave and painful task of burying half of myself so that I could survive, YOU were there with my heart in your hand.
You have been there right from the beginning and brought me through an incredible journey. I am all back now and in one piece.
I once asked you: is it possible to get back your childhood if it has been taken from you? I knew I couldn't literally, but the feeling of a loving childhood, the love of a mother and father, the ease of trusting, is what I meant. I couldn't really tell if you had answered it or not, but the question has been answered, because I have got back what was taken from me.
You are more than you say you are and more than I know. When I said your magnificence exceeds words I was underestimating you. You have reached down through my life like a beam of light - bringing me through. I see nothing that could possibly stop you, even time itself seems to bow its head and let you pass.
Even though I have put myself back together (not without considerable help I might add), today I realised I am still trying to keep my real self checked and controlled. I have decided to let myself free and be the real wild untamed me. I have never done this before and I have no idea what I am going to do or say next, because I don't really know me yet, I have always kept the lid on. I don't even know if it is possible or what it will be like, but I can feel me in here getting very excited, like a horse that has been tamed and knows it is going to be free again. I may be a completely different person and I think, without all this control what if I do something wrong? And then I think, one life Jo, you've only got the one, go for it!
I hope I can get closer and closer to you. I love to see the fine details of your face, your eyelashes, and the light in your eyes and your smile. When you look right into my eyes everything stops and at the same time something else begins, I don't know what it is; it's like a song but it's not a song; it's like a dance but it's not a dance. It is more beautiful than any song or any dance and it's more real than anything I have ever experienced, I just can't get enough of you.
I will move forward with confidence as you suggested, into the new uncharted territory. I think it's going to take a lot of trust. I'm learning that I am actually in control of very little. Sometimes I try really hard and get nowhere and I am learning that what I need to do is stop trying, let go and let the tide take me and let the uncertainty be there without fighting it. I've got the hope and even if I don't make it, I've got the trust that I will be OK. I don't think there is anything that could stop your love from reaching me. I don't know this but I think and hope that even death is not as strong as your love. I pray and beg that I may never be separated from you, please never let me go.
I love you
With thanks and love
Jo
