Anupriya Srivastava's Posts (6)

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Dust and I...

Lying still, anchored by hollowness

Rooted and Secure

No more than the dust

No less than the mist


Despised by the gods

And forgotten by the world

Lying together

Dust and I


Dust, smiling viscously

knowing my state

Not knowing me at all

Coming towards me


Wind, ignoring me, caressing the dust

Hoping to find peace

Dust rests in my heart

Unmovable heart


Searching for my secrets

Looking for anger or pain

passion or crime

love or broken pieces



Finding in the end,

only emptiness…


Leaving without a sound

Dust travels

Far away


But covering me with rain…

Hoping it will heal me.


Rain, raining till I drown

Hoping to see a fight

Waiting for an answer

Losing patience soon


Rain leaving in a hurry

Declaring Sun victorious


Sun, Shining on me

Hoping to awaken me

From the silent oblivion

But all strength in vain 


Sun deserting me

In all hopelessness

Waiting for a miraculous night


Night, holding me

Close in the darkness

Understanding me

But not knowing


Dust coming towards me

Slowly and Silently


Finding me…


We are tied together,

By the strings of ignorance…


Finally lying next to me


Knowing my state

Not knowing me at all

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Peaceful Light...

“You are a good boy” said Alice to her son Jack. Jack Smiled and ran away to play with his friends with that smile still shining on his face like a reflecting glass.




“Take your words back ” said George. “I will not” said Joseph.

George gets angry and hits Joseph. Joseph hits George back and says “You don’t know who you are dealing with… My father is a …………………………”

 (You can fill that blank yourself)

George gets even angrier and shouts back “You don’t’ know who YOU are dealing with…. My friends will…………………………..”

  (And you can fill this blank as well because you must have heard it somewhere and you are intelligent enough to understand what George is implying).




Harry, son of the mayor, walking with his two friends, sees a classmate John. Harry looks at him and then at his friends…Friends without saying a word understood what Harry wants. They run towards John, start hitting him and soon Harry joins them and says “This is my bench…. Get off and never sit on this bench again.”

Poor John runs back home crying...

 He will soon find a way to deal with bullies… He might become stronger and face Harry or successfully avoid him… But I am not interested in that poor guy. I am more interested in Harry.




So what’s common in all these guys??? George, Joseph and Harry?

Aggression? Courage?  Revenge? Will Power? Cruelty?  Or Confidence ? Or Over-Confidence?


They share something in common – Powerful People (I like to call them support systems)… who they believe will take care of things when things go wrong. George has powerful friends; Joseph and Harry have powerful fathers. So they have confidence in that powerful person in their respective lives.


This gives them -- > superficial confidence; which is not from within, but from outside themselves.

They feel brave and courageous.

They think they have the liberty to be aggressive.


But Let’s see what happens ten years from now :


Joseph’s and Harry’s father are dead and so is the power that they were both dwelling on. George’s friends are long gone; separated from him for many different reasons.


Now… think about what will happen to their confidence?

Will Harry bully? Will George get angry? Will Joseph hit back?


They may or may not… Can’t be sure .

Depends on how they grew up?

Did they build their own confidence from within? or

Just dwelled onto to their support systems?


Superficial confidence can be taken away from you… it’s not yours anyway. You did not build it or fight for it or defend it.


When life throws you into a hell-hole and all you have is you…


Right there… is your chance, a golden opportunity to build it, fight for it and defend it. It will be yours to keep and yours to give away. No one would be able to take it from you. Not even the forces of nature or life itself.


You will own it like your soul.


Jack, the guy we first met… he is still not sure what he sorts after … When someone appreciates him, he feels good. When someone scolds him , he feels bad… He does things only to get more appreciation; he wants to find that happiness again…the one his mother gave him in those simple words “you are a good boy.” You must be thinking, we all do that… we all seek appreciation, we all want to jump up the ladder, be appreciated and acknowledged by the people around us.


But let me seed this last thought in you…

What if jack was being appreciated for violence? What if Jack was being trained to be a terrorist? Would it be good for him or humanity? Should he seek this appreciation?


“It still hurts that my father does not appreciate me…” “ It hurts that mother loves my brother more …”  -- things like this, we hold on to like a tight rope. We think if we leave this rope, we might fall…The truth is that the rope is tied around you, its suffocating you… Free yourself…NOW.


The only thing we need to seek is “our purpose”.

We need to dig deep into our souls and find out

1. What is that thing that gives me peace…?

2. What moves me to a state of trance?

3. What makes me feel more connected to this world and to the source?


We will learn so much more in this journey… That destination would seem meaningless…


And appreciation would become like a joke to you… Should someone appreciate you for doing what you are supposed to do? Would you need someone to tell you “You are doing a good job?” “You are a good boy?” when you are so peaceful…?


You are merely playing your part and it is not good or bad… You are not good or bad… There is no instrument in the world to measure your goodness or badness… Only you can feel it… You can feel the malice of good or bad… of sadness or anger


But once you embrace that beautiful peaceful light… you will seek nothing else…!!!




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My difficult relationship (which I think was with a twin-flame.-my mirror, my other half) has peacefully ended… I knew I could not live with him for eternity from the very beginning of my relationship, yet I knew that something profound is in store for me in this relationship. I felt I have known him from ages and I trusted him with my life on the very first day.
The longing for him was unbearable and the world seemed to make much more sense when I was with him... I often felt as if the world existed only in us and between us, nothing else existed or mattered.

But all was not well in this wonderland... He is me, so after seeing all the good things, I started seeing all the bad things about him (which were the bad things in me...). The biggest problem was the EGO.

Under evolutionary pressure, you are bound to change yourself to survive…otherwise you will be extinct. This was the biggest evolutionary pressure I faced. At times, I felt like running away… but I knew that would not change anything, because I will keep getting experiences like this, unless I change myself and break the pattern…

And one of my girlfriends, had constantly told me to not avoid him…
She said these words to me, and I would like to say this to anyone who is in a twin-flame relationship or any difficult relationship:

“face your twin”
“face yourself”,
“face your fears”,
“face your anxiety”,
“face your insecurities”…
“this is a golden opportunity for you”…
And I know - “you will come out a winner” :)

Do not avoid the face-off. Don’t avoid the fights. But rest after each fight, learn. Take breaks…listen to music, dance, talk to yourself, meditate, look at the nature’s beauty and the humor hidden in each one of us… the humor in the situation that you are…

Be an observer to your relation, and as an observer decide what is best for the both of you.

When I and my twin used to fight, we both would take our time, at least 2 days before calling again… and all this while, we would try to focus on what’s important and what’s garbage… What I want to be? Do I want to be an insecure person? Do I want to be open? Do I want freedom for my soul and hers? Do I want to gain respect for myself in my own eyes or the eyes of the world?

I believe “Our thoughts can change us” and used to tell me ego “Shut up and leave me alone”. Believe me, it works!

We all wear our egos like our jewelry and hold it like a sword, ready to fight anytime… But I realized, it was not something to be proud of… This jewelry is like a rope around my neck, the more I use this rope, the more it tightens around my neck… And that sword is not pointing towards anyone else but me.

And this changed something in me, whenever my ego will speak and if I act according to what it says, I will feel extremely ashamed of myself… and then I will go to my twin and apologize and he would not be happy about it, he will tell me that “Sorry is a weak feeling…” I would feel bad at first but then realize that he is not even able to comprehend what my apology meant… and I would pity him…
Then I will fill my heart with love and tell him that, “I love you and even though I don’t want to marry you… you will always be in my prayers…” he would again say something bad… and again instead of my ego shouting back at him, I will call upon all the love in the world and then smile back at him… he would be uncomfortable because this is not the reaction he was expecting, then he will be quiet… and go in the state of contemplation.
Don’t know what he is thinking, don’t care… All I wanted to do was shed my ego…

Although I could not shed it… now I can manage it…using the power of love…!!!

I learned a lot from my twin-flame relationship… The following are few of the things that I would like to share to all of you who are dealing with their twins or difficult situations…

 “You are perfect!!!”
“You don’t need to do anything except - accepting yourself…”

If there is some behavior of yours which you want to change, first you need to recognize the root cause of it… then learn to love it… then slowly the change will happen on its own…

DO NOT consciously try to change anything, it’s not possible… Our behaviors are controlled by our subconscious , and changing the subconscious requires acceptance and love – and of course TIME.

Do not force yourself on the relationship… If the other person is not evolved and not wanting to evolve, then do not force it on the person… It will only stress the relationship… Let things happen… and just observe…

APPRECIATE the good things about him/her and about yourself…

NEVER point out the bad…
as when we do point out the bad, it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger until it explodes…

If you absolutely have to say it, then must make her realize that the problem is not in her or you, or your relationship… the problem is there to teach you both…it’s a gift... and you both will learn together…

I think my twin’s ego was the greatest gift for me… I learned so much from it…

I would like to tell all of you things that I do, to feel connected to the energy of the world… These are quite illogical and little stupid – so laugh and enjoy... :)
You can try these if you like :)

• When I am walking on the road… I sing to myself (not loud, I am a terrible singer ) and I do little hops like we used to do as kids… jumping up and down and round and round when no one’s around (hey, that rhymed ;))

• And when I am sitting in my veranda, I will look at leaves of trees for a long time with admiration thinking how life is building in these green wonderful leaves… infact I look at all things with admiration, the road which has black small rocks… how small they are, but how much weight they must bear… how they never complain… etcetcetc

• In my room, I have a white board in front of my bed and I write inspirational quotes on it and when I get up, the first thing I see are these quotes and pictures etc that I have put up… Today it reads : -
“To touch the sky and fly so high”
 “That the world, when looks at you can only sigh”
“You are Amazing :)”

• I always keep a smile on my face, when I move out of my house… so that whoever sees me feels good and I can feel their positive energy.

• In the shower, I will feel the water is a healing water, and each cell in my body is opening up like a flower and getting healed by the magical water.

                             In short, BE HAPPY, WITHOUT ANY REASON, like when we were kids and never thought about anything, we used to just let things happen within us and around us…

Love and Light to all of you…

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Rope Free...!!!

You are not telling me what to do... you are holding me with a rope tied around my neck and the more you decide for me (how I should look, walk, eat , talk, whom I should be friends with, what should I let them call me..), the more painful your grip becomes...


With each decision of your love and protection, you steal a bit of life from me... With each horrible word that you use to MAKE me UNDERSTAND because I am "dumb"... you suffocate me...

And not long after, I lose consciousness... My soul sleeps a deep sleep... Its afraid to see what has become of me…


I become a puppet in your hands:

You say slap him, I slap him...

You say , shout at him, I shout at him...

You say , send a message of hate to her, I send a message of hate to her...

You say , beat the dog , I beat the dog...

You say , beat the dog harder , I beat the dog harder...

You say, leave your sister, I leave my sister...

You say, move away from relatives, I move away from relatives...


With each agreement I make with you, you become more merciless... as if testing when my soul will break...


But my soul has left me... to find a peaceful place to rest. I am alone... no one to rescue me...


But then one day you strangle our dog...bringing back my soul from deep sleep... the protector , the mother in me wants to kill you... Wants to suck the life out of you... for torturing an innocent and loving animal... that you love more than me... But I love you… I hit you with my hands, it does not hurt you, I ask you to let me leave the house… you don’t… You want me to see this torture… This show is for me…!!!


My soul asks me this question - "He loves that dog more than you... and he can still torture the dog, without even feeling a little bit sad ...doing the act as if he was carrying on the job of god himself... something sacred..., then what will he do with you? Is he doing the same with you? Torturing you to teach you a lesson? Is this what you wanted? Is he worth all this?"


And my soul rests again, putting those questions in my mind... but not giving me strength to leave you...You are supposedly my lover...

How can I leave you... who will protect me? Who will love me? Whom will I love? I cry, you become ignorant of my cries... I know this... But I don't cry for you... I cry because of my cowardice... my helplessness... I wish there was something that I could do... I have tried talking to you, loving you, hitting you and leaving you... nothing works... I always come back to you...


There are days, when you shout at me on phone and I go to the my house’s kitchen, thinking to end my life... Thinking -“Enough - I cant leave him and I cant live with him... There is only one solution...

Death... Death will end it all... Death will give me peace... It will teach him a lesson...”

But my sister is soundly sleeping in the next room... What will happen to her, when she finds my burnt body in the morning... or my distorted body on the floor of the building... Why should she suffer because of my cowardice?

No... I cant kill myself... I need to gather up the courage to leave him... to be not afraid of him...!!!


Today again you are shouting at me... everyday its a new thing that I did wrong... yesterday I left the food packet open, today I am choosing bad and ugly curtains because my taste is becoming rotten like my soul...


I stop listening to you... I gather up all the courage I have... I am not listening... I know you are still shouting at me, in the middle of a mall... In front of everyone... but i have got used to this... I know these people will soon disappear.... and I will have to deal with you and you alone...


I am still gathering courage... asking my soul to help... My soul is not there to help me, its sleeping... I am alone...


“But I can't ... No I can't live with him... No I just can't....” I keep hearing these words from inside me... but these words are not coming out... I am not saying them...


Now I can literally see these words floating in the air, right next to your face... But I am not saying it...


You ask me something ... I try to listen... but I don’t know what you are asking... I just blurt out... "I don't want to be with you anymore"


You dont react, you pick the curtains... no not the ones i picked...reminding me that my taste is rotten, like me.


You take my hand and the curtains as if we both are your objects… and move towards the cash counter… I am thinking… “Good , he has not heard what I said… Good… I don’t need to be afraid…”


Then you ask me once we are in the line at the cash counter “What did you mean?”

I start trembling inside… You heard it … Now what? Will I lie? Will I  tell the truth and escape…? There was not much time… You shouted a little… What??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN???


I blurted out the same words - "I don't want to be with you anymore"


You keep quiet… I knew you are thinking something… I am hoping that you will say “WHY?” “What did I do wrong?”and I will heal you… I will give you more love and I will make more sacrifices, if that’s what it takes to make you understand my love… I am hoping… you will be shocked… I am  hoping you will say “Please don’t leave me. I will not live with out you” And I will see hope in my relationship with you…


But when you open your mouth… Only hell comes out… You say “If you want to leave, leave… But always remember that you are doing this break up… you will be blamed for our break up”


I lose all hope… I started crying… I knew this was the end…I had lost my lover… But there was also happiness but it was not visible to me just yet….


I left the mall… and as I was walking away from you… my crying diminished… I felt as if my soul was healing itself… like broken bones getting fixed on its own… just by my moving away from you… At one point, my crying stopped completely…


Now I hear a voice… over my right shoulder, like a whisper… “I am proud of you”

I turn my head from side to side… I see no one else… I realize its my soul talking to me … I have missed this voice for 2 years… my soul is awake now…with me… re-united with me… I am so happy… I go to celebrate my freedom with my favorite “Pani Puri”.


And I thought to myself – “You just broke up a 5 year old relationship and you are eating Pani Puri? Whats wrong with you?”

A voice came again : “Nothing …I am just rope free now…!!!”



In the honor of strong women – who suffer both emotional and physical torture, because they fear of being alone…who think that they are not strong enough to face the world and face the people...But Who find the true courage hidden inside them…Sooner or later…And break the rope and free themselves…


To every man and woman : Live a rope free life… Nothing is worth that rope :)


Love to all :)

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Let It Be...!!!!

Q. What is happiness? And How do I achieve it?


A. Happiness is a state of mind.

and you achieve it by trying not to achieve anything. ;)


When I first read this somewhere. I was puzzled. Then one day, I was traveling in metro, in the ladies compartment, where you see little kids with their mothers all the time.


One little girl was jumping up and down, holding the pole, revolving around it, simultaneously and spontaneously inventing games, which no grown up understood, so everyone laughed, including me.


I watched her with amazement and I wondered - Isn't this happiness?

Her state of mind is in complete harmony !


But Why?


I realized, she is not trying to do anything. things are just happening in her and she is not stopping it. She is just "Letting It BE".


In fact when her mother tries to stop her, she becomes sad for a while. She stops but is restless and is waiting carefully for a window of opportunity. And soon when her mother is not looking, she frees herself and giggles, and starts repeating the ceremonious jumping, revolving, laughing etc.

I saw that her mother is happy too, seeing the mischief, she is smiling now.


We are also like this, we were all happy when we were just letting things happen within us, when we were not stopping ourselves from doing anything that our hearts wanted us to. The intentions behind her actions were so pure, so godly and so humanly.


When our heart wants something which has such pure and harmless intentions, yet we try to stop ourselves from doing it, we are sad and restless like her. We wait restlessly for the next window of opportunity. Sometimes, we wait for a whole lifetime and regret in the end, that we dint do what our heart wanted us to do.


Awareness of this in itself has freed me somehow... I know I can be happy now. I don't try to be happy, that will be useless and frustrating.


A simple mantra is "Let It BE".


So, will I be happy all the time, if I just Let it Be?


No, that is not possible, my mind would become bored and dumb. Suffering is a teacher, without which I will never graduate from this life.


But I freed myself of an Idea that WE should TRY to be Happy.


Trying is useless... Just let it BE!!!!

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You and I...

I was recently reminded of the fact that I have an ego. At first when you hear this, you get angry. Actually the ego, does not like to be acknowledged as something bad. It gets hurt and angry.

"I" was also hurt and angry.


I am able to recognize its voice now, because the voice of ego is always revolving around the "I", "ME","SELF".


So whenever I heard "How can this happen to me?" "Why is she/he doing this to me?" "I will not let this happen to me." - I knew it was my ego talking. Is it bad?


I was being manipulated by my ego, even after recognizing its voice. I knew that I am getting angry for no reason. I am having crazy expectations from people because my ego demands it. Yet, I could not control it!!!


The voices made me crazy. Still do!

I started experiencing headaches, fever, body pains, esp- chest pains (which are a result of broken heart syndrome, not a heart attack.)


All of this because my ego was telling me that "I am hurt!", "I am being used!", "I am being cheated!"  and so on and so forth...


There is no one else in my mind. There is only me, my ego!


My ego is hurting me, my ego thinks that I am being used, my ego thinks that it's being cheated!


But can the real self, a self that is just part of this universe and the self that is just an energy, Be hurt? Be used? Be cheated?


Would my real self - my soul, ever say these things?


My ego is just a name, a name that I created for me thinking it as necessary. It separates me from you. It tells me that YOU and I are different and separate. YOU and I can hurt each other & love each other.  



Osho said - "Love is not something that we do. Love is a happening." 


Love is always happening in you. Just feel it. Experience it.


And We are all one ! And this is how we break the illusion of ego !   


There is no 'you' and no 'I'. 'You' is as human as 'I'. 'You' is as sad and as happy as 'I'. 'You' is just my mirror. 'I' can change the image of 'you'. 'I' just need to feel the love. 'You' will automatically feel the love.


This is very valuable knowledge.

"But Knowledge is not the same as Wisdom, Knowledge is knowing, Wisdom is doing it!"

--- Peaceful Warrior (Movie)

 I wrote the above write-up on Aug 19th, and it took me some weeks to release my ego.

I finally learned how to apply this knowledge or rather I should say the knowledge finally manifested itself in wisdom - slowly but surely. 

There is no secret here, just that this knowledge takes different kinds of forms of wisdom in different people. I used the power of a "light" which I saw when I was in hypnotherapy. It reminds me that you and I are one!

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