I remember the first time I fell in love. And I remember just as clearly the pain I encountered after the breakup, when I discovered how very, very wrong I was about that supposed true love. It took me many karmic cycles to discover that there were wounds festering inside of me, and these unhealed parts of myself led me to seek out a love which was not only unhealthy, but in many cases was not love at all.

Have you ever experienced this? Do you remember how utterly convinced you were of true love, only to later be wrong? Or to give it a degree of separation, have you seen a loved one headed for a broken heart or chasing a person who is so wrong for them, and tried to warn them? You might as well be talking to a brick wall right?

Those experiences of grappling with my own delusion opened up new levels of understanding inside of my being. I realized that this mind and emotional body, they could at times deceive me, hijack me, and take me down dangerous and painful roads, unless I figured out how to heal, repair, surgically remove, or tame the parts of me which ran my vessel off the road. I liken it to a car that’s been in a bad car accident, many times you must drive such a car carefully – if you let your hands off the wheel it will likely drift (or lurch) toward the breakdown lane. My ‘car didn’t drift towards the ditch, it lurched!

As I have continued my healing process I have found this phenomenon in many different places in life besides falling in love. The emotional power of our bodies and minds is staggering, and when left unchecked it can wreak havoc in our lives. It can feed denial and keeps us in unhealthy patterns. It closes us off from avenues which could offer us healing, because there is such an investment already made in a different viewpoint. It is a wild vine which can grow and grow inside of us until it touches and infects every part of our being.

I remember when I was much younger and studying to be a minister in a Christian church. It was an amazing learning experience which I am very thankful for to this day. There is something special about understanding the viewpoints of others, so I have no regrets that my beliefs today make a distinct departure from Christianity. At the very least, I understand what many other people believe, and that helps me communicate more effectively with them. But if you had tried to tell me 20 years ago that someday I wouldn’t be a Christian, I might have clenched my fist as I formulated my answer, because I was so gung-ho about the carpenter from Nazareth. Even today he is a great teacher, but I’ve opened my horizons to make room for other great teachers.

There was one aspect of some Christian churches which I had great interest in but had never experienced; speaking in tongues. The church I belonged to did not speak in tongues, but at the time I was living in the US in the South, and there are plenty of churches in that area which do speak in tongues. When I would come across these brothers and sisters I would pick their brains for everything I could about their experience. I remember one man in particular whom I worked with who spoke in tongues. I probably talked with him the most about this topic simply because we spent so much time together. What I remember most is how convinced, how utterly 100% convinced he was that he was exhibiting a ‘gift of the spirit’ as he called it. He believed that he spoke in the language of angels, as did each Pentecostal or tongue-speaking Christian whom I met. But what sticks with me the most is the sincerity of these good people. They believed so strongly and their proclamation of this was SO sincere, that for some years I wondered if somehow they were experiencing something I was not, that perhaps they had some sort of gift which differed from my set of gifts.

For some years after I left the church I continued my search for contact with something more divine than we, something which exists beyond the veil of this place. I know there is a boundary, and I am convinced that part of me resides there, but despite my most sincere efforts I have not experienced anything that I can definitively call crossing over. I meditate, read Tarot, and practice a formidable level of awareness in this human experience, but have not been able to contact any higher beings. So of course it is curious to me the many others who seem to so easily tap into source, or channel an arch angel, or channel a book. It is ironic in a way, because this desire for something external (and not getting it) has led me to so much self-reflection! Examining myself, wondering if I’ve somehow done something wrong, and finally through awareness realizing there’s no way to do it wrong. Even if someone is doing it different than you, that’s their experience, their lesson which will lead them to truth one day. And what I’m experiencing is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Through this process of awareness and reflection I have made some changes. I’m not reaching out anymore looking for anything outside of myself, I look within. Through awareness and clearing work I have discovered everything I needed to make this current experience a paradise. I still use Tarot for introspection, except now I do so with the understanding that it is my higher self that I am communicating with. My readings these days are profound and often bring tears because they hit so close to home. Making contact no longer holds the preoccupation it once did in my life. Being here in this moment, there’s just no place for trying to get someplace else.

If you’ve been cringing while reading this, holding your breath for the moment when I debunk all who experience something different from me, sorry I'm not going there. I can no more disprove what others experience than I can prove what I'm experiencing is real.  Hell, I don't think this place IS real, so I'm only interpreting an illusion from my perspective.  I can’t speak for anyone else and their experience – I can only listen, observe, and try to understand them in light of what I am experiencing. If we could do the Vulcan mind-meld this would all be so simple! But we can’t, at least not yet… so until then I watch, soak up these experiences, and seek to understand.

But I will say that I remember how convinced I was when I first fell in love so long ago. And I also remember how convinced I was when I first called on the name of Jesus as the only path to salvation. I’m not ashamed about being wrong in those past choices, and I now more fully understand why I made them at the time. In so many ways these experiences shaped me into who I am today - I can’t take them back without drastically affecting the consciousness I now treasure. But at the time, I was blind to the truth which I am now more aware of. So when I encounter a channeled message which contradicts itself, or displays elements of control, domination, pandering, or even the incessant “dear ones” talk, I wonder if this is a person who is holding on too tight to a belief, as I myself have done. I generally do not speak out against them, because it does little good and sometimes even entrenches them deeper into that experience. It is a challenge to discern where the thin gray line is, the line that says “First do no harm” on it. I err on the side of caution since I remember how impossible it was to reach me in those days. At the same time I am learning how to lovingly share my perspective, because I have in the past suppressed my truth so as not to openly disagree with others. Some day I believe we will all be on the same page. Maybe not on this side of the veil, but hopefully on the other.

Until that day, use your own human experience as your guide, and find what resonates with the core of your being. If you pray, include in your prayers that you be shown truth. And wherever you are on the path, try to love everyone. They are shadows of you, past present and future. You are here for a reason and that reason is to love. Everything else will make itself clear in time.

The inevitable downside to sharing your truth is that most people just don’t care.  They don’t really want to hear your truth; they want validation for their own truth.  Most of the time the only reason people listen, even a little bit, is because they hope to hear you speaking their truth back to them.  It is interesting to see how people respond when you share something which they don’t agree with.  You can tell a lot about people by how they respond to disagreements.  Some respond with anger, some have a need to be right and will go to great lengths to discredit your message.  Others instantly dislike you and discredit your message based on some imperfection they perceive in you.  Some just get hurt, and suddenly you find yourself apologizing for sharing your truth or for not wording it just right so that others don’t feel threatened by it.  All of these are emotional responses and should be identified as such.  But their root often lies in that persons need for validation.

It’s important to understand that at a very deep level our brains are always seeking validation.  Everyone is doing it; it is part of our human nature.  Even if you have taught your ego to sit in the back seat, do you not still seek out like minds to commune with?  Do you put on anything in your closet when you get dressed, or do you pick clothes that match the social activities for the day?  Rationalize all you want, but on some level everyone is seeking validation.

And validation is not inherently wrong.  Validation is our desire to fit in socially.  There is safety in numbers, an instinctive reaction to this world which has brought our civilization to great heights… but also to great depths of control, domination, and lack.  Validation is part of this human experience and our brains are hard-wired to seek it out in the world.

The trick about validation is like most of our consciousness; once we have become aware of it we can begin to use it more effectively.  For example, when we first learned of the ego it was a bucking bronco in our lives, a wild inner child who frequently grabbed the wheel and wreaked havoc.  Over time with effort, reflection, meditation and insight we tamed the ego so that we could make choices from a more grounded position in our being.  So too will it be with taming our need for validation.  The first step is to become aware of it. Don’t fool yourself into believing you can stop all your validation seeking; that would be like trying to convert a gasoline engine to electric – the solar panels just don’t fit in the gas tank!  Instead, honor and embrace the validation seeking part of you.  Use awareness to catch yourself in the act, and spend some time in self reflection working through these experiences.  In time, with effort, and with awareness, you will begin to better understand your need for validation, and how to find balance in that need.

One aspect of our validation engines which is often overlooked is how it affects our ability to listen.  When we hear someone’s truth which does not match ours, the validation machine begins whirring, churning out excuses and reasons why we shouldn’t listen.  It is so important for us to become aware of this, because our need for validation can actually stop us from finding truth!  If your unconscious desire for validation is greater than your conscious desire for truth, then who is running the show?

Once we become aware of our need for validation we can begin to adjust how we use that in our daily lives.  Many of us believe right now that we are ‘above’ seeking validation.  The truth often is that we have set up our environment in such a way that our validation alarms are not set off.  We sequester ourselves in private groups, we veil our bad habits with privacy and solitude, we make a clean happy world where nobody disagrees with us.  Now, I’m not suggesting that any of these things need to change this instant; I am simply pointing out that we need to be aware of these things so that we can find a healthier way to manage them.  Change begins with us.  Over time, by maintaining an awareness of this we can shift our energy from “I wonder if those people will like my idea” to, “I’m sharing this idea because it’s important, and I can feel my need for validation nipping at my heels.  Down boy, it will be alright.”  Get to know this need within you, for it has been your compass for a very long time.  Honor that need, because it made mankind wonderful in so many ways, brought our civilization to dizzying heights.  Make it your friend because it is a part of you.  As long as your are in this body, your brain is going to continue seeking our validation – you can either learn how to dance with it, or be left on the sidelines.

If you’re afraid you won’t be liked by everyone – you’re right.  That is the duality of this place hard at work.  You cannot please everybody all the time.  (Nobody can, it’s not just you.)  But you can become aware of your innate need to try and make everyone like you, so that you can establish an effective balance in that experience.  That balance will free up energy for you which can be applied elsewhere in your experience.