Return to One

Yesterday, with the help of the mysterious wonder that is Toad venom I died. Or rather my mind, body and associated senses related to the person I am here on this planet died. In doing so I returned to the source of everything, as we all do over and over again. This is not a special experience; neither is it unique. the process I will attempt in vain to describe is all of our paths, not the end of, but a continuous cycle of dying and re-birthing into incomprehensible vistas of reality of our own creation. For as has been and will always be said throughout all of our known history, we truly are all One.

You’ll have to forgive me if the language I use throughout this is a little flowery. I’m still attempting to assimilate the experience, so all I say is bound to be coloured somewhat brightly. Though it is by no means hyperbole. This is as close as I could get to a concretisation of something profoundly real and yet utterly ungraspable by our limited human conceptions. Here goes…

I began this journey in a lovingly self made home situated in the middle of the woods. My guide and the creator of this masterful abode was a self taught, wonderfully heart centred shaman called Tim. Also accompanying me was my Girlfriend/ indescribably beautiful soul partner, Sarah. As much as I would love to tell you more about these remarkable people I will skip to the ‘end’ so to speak.

Tim handed me the loaded pipe and I began to inhale the floral smelling medicine deeply, continuously relighting and breathing in more and more of the smoke until my lungs were completely filled. within seconds I felt myself begin to melt. Tim retrieved the pipe from me and I lay back on his bed, exhaling what felt like liquid silk.

I began to expand, and at the same time fall apart, I was utterly defenceless against the process. It felt as if every atom in my body was being blown up like a balloon only to explode in showers of agonising release. The process was too fast for me, it was out of my control. My moans became louder with the intense ringing of high velocity energy vibrating me out of reality. I could feel myself expending every ounce of energy I had to retrieve control, to somehow steer the process to my own will. I caught glimpses of Sarah’s face, utterly loving, a somehow knowing, nervous smile delicately pressing me to let go. I pleaded wordlessly for it to stop as Tim began throat singing, the sound causing his very image to disintegrate and merge with my own. Sheer incomprehensible terror gripped me at this point, I was screaming inside, twisting and squirming, begging over and over to be freed from this torment, the knowledge that I was about to cease existing ever more prominent in my awareness.

Then it happened. I exploded. All form disintegrated as I merged with the only reality that has ever been. I was. All sensory experience united into one unfathomable exquisite, unbearable ecstasy, folding into itself over and over. It was unbearable in its infinitude, beyond experience, beyond knowing, beyond comprehension. I danced with myself in this no-space, forever indulging the ultimate of dichotomies; that with every conceptual processing I indulged, universes, worlds, civilisations were born, and in the same instance died as all was eternally complete. With every indulgence of my creativity so I knew that I was caught in the most profound loop, never beginning, never ending. Only being able to know myself by the endless creations and experienced limitation of this formless vastness.

This was a timeless experience. Whilst perceiving myself as the source I had never been anything but. We have never been anything but. And we play in this way, going out and coming back forever and ever and ever.

At some point I started to re materialise into form. Without knowing how, my body sprang forth and I collapsed onto my hands and knees, vomiting bile and phlegm onto the dirt floor. The reintegration felt like a long process as my little ego self climbed back in, terrified still and in a state of complete shock, desperately trying to piece together the remnants of itself and construct the experience into a tangible reality. I fought with myself back and forth, embracing the truth, then agonising over it, shaking violently with tears of emotional catharsis pouring down my frail frame.

Eventually I came to rest, at peace with myself in all aspects; the greater self and the smaller selves. I readjusted to the world like a new born baby, in awe of the wonders of creation surrounding and inside of me. For a while all sensory experience still felt like one undifferentiated whole, until bit by bit my mind returned to the labelling of things and putting them in appropriate boxes. This did not upset me, for I realised just how precious a tool our ego really is. Without it we could not look upon our creations as we do, interact with them and truly know the miracle of life.

  I will end this post by offering my unconditional love and Gratitude to Sarah and Tim for guiding me through this experience. And to everyone else I hope that this excites you and does not make you fearful. Life will open her petals to you when you so decide you are ready, and so I say take comfort in the knowing that wherever you are, whatever you are doing, there is no need to strive. All is as it should be, rooted utterly in perfection.

Infinite Love

Deanxxx

modesty..?

I had a wonderful remembrance last night. I’ve had this realisation before, post Iboga for one, and no doubt many times prior to this, though it has become lost in the daily fog of grounded life. Lying on my bed last night pondering what issues might still be buried within me, the word modesty came to me.

Modesty is a quality I’ve always thought very highly of, both in other people and as something I’ve aspired to myself. However, it also appears to be rather a substantial block to experiencing the unadulterated whole of yourself. Modesty claims that you are not responsible for the good that you do. It denies you of experiencing the love and gratitude which people offer, and it reduces your abilities and identity to a size manageable to your fragile sense of self. Any concept too grand will be denied by your little self because it can no longer embrace the idea of being little whilst shouldering the responsibility of being so much more.

In those very fortunate times where my little self has been forced to retreat I have known whole heartedly the perfection of myself and everyone. we are often surrounded by a wealth of concerns and problems usurping our vital force, and yet even at the very centre of all of this confusion we demonstrate the most astounding acts of compassion for other people. I have known so many, experiencing truly dire life situations, tormented by terrible self images, who quite literally will go out of their way to do something wonderful for another person; to brighten their day while their own is so laden with clouds. In fact the truth is I see this every single day without exception. A great example; yesterday on my bus to work I listened as a woman half heartedly recounted her story of spending Christmas in hospital, alone and thereafter bound to a wheelchair. However with such fervour and passion, and immense sympathy did she respond to the young lady with a learning disability who claimed to have an earphone stuck in her ear canal! Beautiful!

The thing is we all do this almost without exception day to day. But do we pause to absorb the beauty of our actions, our thoughts? Do we say to ourselves ‘wow that really was a lovely thing to do’? I can guarantee that the majority of us don’t. We brush it off, chide ourselves for wanting credit for something so small. Curiously even those who might make a big deal out of it and demand attention are only doing so to readdress the balance and alleviate the pain of having such poor self esteem.

But my God if you ever allow yourself the opportunity to reflect on your life, without judgement or criticism, but with the kind loving heart you would display to those close to you; you will experience something beyond words. The more darkness you encounter, the more grief you experience, only adds to the shear wonder of those tiniest fragments of goodness you have displayed. They radiate something so incredibly profound, that were you; for a split second, to embrace the spark of divinity that lay within them, to accept that at your very core you are a creative expression of all that is, and has ever been; and finally to love yourself entirely in that expression, then your every problem would dissolve into the nothingness from where it came.

xxx