First, let me apologize for not replying to comments I received on my last blog... it has been a difficult few months for me and my family. I won't drag anyone down with details, but, hey... crap happens. Life happens... and I believe that is why we are all here... we experience the ups and downs, we learn, we move on...

In a strange way, it is why I am thankful that I identify as a Catholic-Gnostic :) mostly Gnostic...

Let me quote biblical history to make my point...

In the words of Pilate "I am innocent of this man's blood; see to it yourselves."

Are we not at that point? The videos from the Syrian gas attacks are horrifying... but false advertising. You see, as part of my extensive military training I am also qualified as a chem-warfare expert (a scary ass job, let me tell ya...) Sarin is very nasty and persistent... Sarin will remain viable for up to 30 minutes from being absorbed by clothing, hair, etc... it can be fatal if inhaled or through cutaneous absorption... so why were NONE of the aid workers shown wearing protective gear? The "aid workers" shown were all showing BARE SKIN! Bare skin and Sarin exposure WILL KILL YOU! Period. Do not pass "Go", do not collect "$200", it is over... and Sarin (or any nerve agent, for that matter) is a HORRIBLE way to die. Sarin kills by disrupting the nervous system... death usually results from convulsions so severe that the victim will break their own backs, yet they still linger long enough to asphyxiate. Even with proper protective gear, we all carried atropine injectors into combat because it is that damned nasty! The "aid workers" shown in those videos would have been dead from exposure, as would have the cameramen and journalists... (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarin)

We are being played by the military-industrial complex. More bombs, more missiles, more ingenious ways to kill fellow humans. Have we not had enough? We, as Americans, can KILL anyone, anywhere in the world in about 12 hours... is that not enough? Mr. Obama promised peace as a "progressive" president. So where is that peace Mr. Obama? Why do we still sacrifice blood to our "masters"? Why are we being called upon to wage war against yet another sovereign nation?

I have made mistakes in my life... and I freely admit it. I joined the USAF because I truly believed in the call to defend our freedoms. (And, fighter jets are pretty cool... admit it... and I got to work on the coolest and most cutting edge stuff... and I look really awesome in uniform... ask my wife :) )... but... is freedom without honor still freedom? Can we call ourselves free men and women while we shackle ourselves to government control? Can we call ourselves free if we bow to the disinformation of the mass media? Can we truly be free if we don't question our leaders and their intent?

The progressives like to damn our Constitution because it doesn't fit their agenda... and conservatives aren't much better. The truth is, visionaries like Jefferson drafted our Constitution in an effort to create a "more perfect union" and they had it right. Sadly, I am now labeled as an "extremist" because I still hold faith in that document... and I am a veteran. "We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal..." is no longer what we believe in... and we suffer as a nation because of that. We are now a nation of government control and manipulation. A mindless people guided by the media...

At least Pilate had the good sense to wash his hands of the matter....

My friends, we are truly on the brink... I do not say this lightly. I have been honest and forthcoming about my eidetic memory and recent empathic "abilities", if you will... I still don't understand any of it; but your insights have helped immensely. I deal with it day to day, and it's all good :)

My concern is what is going on at the moment, and I speak from experience. What I have not told you, is that I am a retired military professional. US Air Force, 21 years. I didn't join the military to kill people, I joined so I could have hands on experience with the most cutting edge technology... and I love aviation. I absolutely love to fly... I have been up in an F-16 pulling 7.5 Gs over the Grand Canyon... AMAZING. I have worked on technology that is still 5 to 10 years away from any civilian application. That is what I used to do... and I was really damned good at it... Later in my career I worked security, safety, and anti-terrorism... and was damned good at that as well. That experience is why I am terrified for what is coming...

I know that the prevalent thought is that Obama is the "people's president", the "compassionate president"... it isn't so. I am not saying this as a partisan Republican, I am saying this as a patriot. It isn't just Mr. Obama, it is ALL of them, Democrat and Republican... and it is all about money and power. The Bush's, the Clintons, the Obamas, the Rockefellers, it isn't about us anymore... and hasn't been for a very long time.

The recent embassy closures? This is NOT a measure of prevention, it is a pretext for war. Do the research for yourself, I won't try to convince you... the historical precedence is already there.

The revelations from the State Dept. on embassy closures are normally classified. Why? It has to do with what we call "derivative classification"... protect the source. I guess we let our sources swing from the gallows now... we betray our own for the sake of political gain.

You see, there is NO left wing, NO right wing anymore... it is all about absolute power. Who can con who the best. They thrive on division, and divide us they do... black vs. white, conservative vs. liberal, young vs. old... and we fall for it every time. They have us where they want us.

My true analysis, as someone that knows how they think... we are playing into their hands. We fear what they WANT us to fear. We respond as they WANT us to respond. We play their political games on their terms. They say BOO and we jump.

I think it is time that we say "no more"... no more indiscriminate killing, no more genocide, we are done and it is time for a new outlook...

If not... praise Obama and his new society, but get ready for the rule of old... history does repeat my friends...

Part 5

I had to take a few days off since my last post. Trying to put all of this into words hasn't been an easy task... it has brought up a few things I hadn't previously considered, and I needed time to reflect. I have also had contact with another eidetic and it was, well, insightful.

I mentioned that I was becoming an empath, let me quantify that statement... and maybe someone here can shed some light on it...

It started about 3 years ago... I started to feel things that I just could not get a grip on, because they were not my emotions. I was feeling anger, animosity, hatred, and those are emotions I rarely feel... I am a very laid back, never holding a grudge kind of person. I forgive very easily, I hate no one (hatred is an emotion that I abhor) and try to keep a light heart at all times. It seriously bothered me. Why was I feeling this? I was around angry people... and it seemed as though I was the only one that felt it... outwardly, they seemed like happy people, but I saw through it...

I started to feel "collective" emotions... the mutual feelings of a populace... it freaked me out. I withdrew again. I could not bear to let others "in" to my world, so to speak... afraid to hurt others...

Moreover, my memories have started to become emotionally charged. Memories I have carried for so many years with no emotional attachment have, at times, been so gut-wrenching recently that I just cry.

Even worse, I feel at times that I am carrying the entire world's sorrows... I see the news everyday and what I see is a planet in pain. It hurts me physically to hear stories of atrocities committed day in and day out against the innocent. THAT hurts me more than anything, the death of the innocent. It saddens me profoundly, at the core of my being. I truly believe that the WORST sin committed by us is the murder of the innocent... and I see cases of it in the news everyday.

I barely even watch the news anymore. I know I will remember and feel it later... and it is getting too painful.

I have a very gentle soul. I do not like to hurt others. I know I have hurt others at times (we are human and make mistakes), and I have prayed for forgiveness. The eidetic memory just refuses to let some things go, so I still feel like I carry those mistakes and always will. It is what it is. It seems for now to be part of my journey. My cross to bear.

I really feel that humanity is at a crossroads... our time is an interesting one (an old Chinese curse Art Bell used to quote... "may you live in interesting times"... we most certainly do.)

The interesting conversation I had was with another eidetic... she seems to think that I am a "wanderer"; a soul sent here as an observer by my own free will from another place in space-time, as she claims that she is. Is it in the realm of possibilities? From what I have seen in my time here, yeah... it is. I am not discounting anything anymore. I am so open for any suggestions...

She also seems to think that this is part of a "last incarnation"... and eidetics on their last "trip" are here to find their "spiritual twin"... I hope when I finally meet her, that she isn't as neurotic as me... :) as long as she is a gentle soul as I am, I think we will get along just fine...

Thank you again for letting me sound off, and for your positive comments. I hope one of you out there can offer me some guidance or direction, because I feel really lost in all of this at times...

I mentioned that my memory is mostly auditory... one song that just keeps coming to mind in these times is a song by Phil Collins... We Said Hello, Goodbye...

Like we are about to say goodbye to an older age and move on... I feel like it is SO close... right around the corner... I have hope for us :)

Peace, my friends,

Doug

Part 4

As I mentioned earlier, I do have some "self-defense" measures that I employ. It isn't a disciplined practice by any stretch of the imagination, rather, I go with what works at the time.

For instance, some things I just don't want to remember. Like social security numbers, phone numbers... personal information that some people just seem to blurt out at times without really thinking about it. My memory doesn't really "key in" on numbers, but I can easily memorize them if need be... at the same time, I already have more than enough stuff in my crawling around in mind already. At times like this, I use a self distraction trick. I can focus in on something else for a split second and keep the memory "fractured".

That only works in those very specific instances, and I have had to train myself to do it. I can do it almost automatically, but I do have to keep my guard up.

Other things can be a bit more difficult. At times I do get overwhelmed... overloaded. It gets to be just too damned much to deal with, and my mind can start racing off on crazy tangents.

For a long time, I tried alcohol. I found something that "let me forget", if only for a few hours. To skip all of the obvious reasons that heavy drinking is just a really bad idea, for me it was only a very temporary fix. The memories were still there the next morning... and I would have a hangover as well. It was just bad form. Now, I rarely ever drink... if I do, I am very careful of my state of mind.

I have tried meditation, but without much success. Meditation seems to require a quiet mind... and mine just never is.

I have always found driving to be very cathartic... it helps me decompress. I have always made it a point to live at least 30 minutes away from where I work. That daily 30 minute drive, at times, is how I have managed to stay sane. When I drive, I focus on the road, the car in front of me etc. and let my mind do "its thing" in the background.

Hiking works even better. Outside of "civilization" for awhile... I take the least traversed trails to completely isolate myself as much as possible. I also set out with the idea that I am going to remember every aspect of that hike... every visual, every smell, every sound... by focusing on the hike, I can set my mind loose to do whatever it wants to, without actually thinking. It's abstract and difficult to conceptualize, but that really is the nuts and bolts of how it works.

I find a lot of solace in music, but, again, I have to be careful. Many of my memory triggers are auditory. If a traumatic memory is recalled by hearing a piece of music, then I have to be cognizant of that fact. I can still listen to that piece of music, but in a very guarded manner. There are certain pieces of music that I just can't bring myself to listen to... the memories attached are just far too painful, and I haven't come to terms with them yet. Some music I only listen to when I am alone... not because there are memories attached, but because there aren't... and I am trying to keep it that way. I can use that music as another way to isolate, when I need to.

I am getting ready to call it a night, but I first feel like I need to explain why I have finally decided to "break my silence". It seems things have started to change in a manner that I never expected. It appears that I have started to become an empath, on top of everything else. That little kick in the pants actually started a few years ago, but I didn't understand what it was until recently... and it seems to be getting stronger. That will have to wait at least until tomorrow to start tearing into... if I can figure out where to begin, anyway...

Peace to all :)

Part 3

I think the reason I have always kept my "gift" a secret, is because of the stigma that was attached to me as a child. I was the four year old that people were afraid to talk around. Children are naturally curious and inquisitive, and I was no different. It becomes unsettling, however, when a four year old starts asking questions about VERY adult conversations. Family members "clammed up" if I was around... they were afraid of what I might hear; even more afraid of what I might repeat. The first lesson my childhood taught me, was to keep my mouth shut.

The second lesson I learned was even more difficult to deal with as a child... it is that everyone lies.

We all tell our children lies... Santa, the Easter Bunny, storks bring babies, etc. Those things never bothered me... lies told more out of love, than for the purpose of deception. With an eidetic memory, however, I caught on to all of the deceit within my family, because my mind would immediately lock on to all of the subtle inconsistencies in everything I heard. My mother, as any other parent, always stressed honesty... yet, I lived in a fishbowl of deceit. My family isn't horrible... in fact, they are mostly pretty normal.

Truth be told, (no pun intended), only three people in my life have never lied to me... or, I just haven't caught them. I like to believe the former, rather than the latter. Two of those people are close friends. One is a man that I used to work for...

He is really the only one that ever deduced that I have an eidetic memory. He figured it out, because I slipped up. Part of my job at the time involved conducting the occasional internal security investigation. I always carried a notebook with me, but it honestly was mostly for show. The few things that I ever actually wrote down were random thoughts completely unconnected to the task at hand... like, maybe I should replace my shower head?

To make a long story short, he asked me to talk to him about an incident that we had. In my normal, nonchalant manner, I proceeded to give him all of the details, recalled all of the witness statements, etc. When I was finished he had an odd look on his face... he asked "where is your notebook?". Oops. He then asked me, quite bluntly, "when did you plan to tell me that you have a photographic memory?" I told him that it isn't a photographic memory, at least not as I understand it. He was also very sharp... it was never brought up again; a silent mutual understanding. He knew I kept it quiet... he didn't understand why, but he respected it. We never became "friends", but we had sincere mutual respect. My ability, of course, served his needs well... after all, I was an excellent investigator...

I do have my own controls... well, more like self-defenses. That, however, will have to wait until later. My first and foremost method is knowing when I need time to decompress... and this is one of those times... more later, I promise...

I have an eidetic memory. I remember everything... almost every single day of my life... in detail. This isn't something I have ever really talked about. Only a few people in my life even know about it... but none of them know the true extent of what I can recall. In many ways, it is a dirty little secret that I carry.

Don't confuse an eidetic memory with a photographic memory... there are differences. With a photographic memory (think of Dr. Reid's character on Criminal Minds) the recall is instantaneous and completely detailed... mine isn't like that... not exactly. Mine is more like hyperthymesia... not photographic, but autobiographical. Clinical cases of hyperthymesia usually involve an obsession with dates and numbers as well... my memories aren't triggered by specific dates and numbers... it's more about recording "events".

For instance, ask me about the events that happened on a specific date, and I will give you a blank stare. It doesn't work like that. My memory seems to focus more on contextual cues... images, noises, the mood I was in at the time, etc. The memories are there... triggering the correct memories is where it can get difficult. Triggering the wrong memories can be brutal.

The difficulty lies with how much I retain... and, I think, how it all gets cross-referenced. At times the sheer volume of it all can be overwhelming...  so much so, that I have suffered lifetime bouts of insomnia... my mind refuses to shut down until everything gets sorted out, in a way. Describing how it works can be just as maddening, because I truly don't understand it...

I read one account of someone with hyperthymesia... she described it as having "split-vision"... taking in new information while replaying old information at the same time, in her mind's eye. Mine more correctly equates to having a hidden camera running at all times... my mind takes it all in, then sorts it out later... and I often recall little things in the background... I may not have noticed it at the time... but it was recorded anyway.

How I recall things can be just as difficult to describe.

At times, it is very straightforward... at other times it is, well, abstract at best. It is how I get from point A to point B that I often miss... it also helps if my recall comes in a casual manner. If I work too hard to think of a specific memory, I can lose focus and get stuck in a sea of information... and I overload. It's just too much to go through looking for specifics... if I let things sort themselves out on their own, however, my recall can get... well, remarkable... even scary.

How many of us recall their first day of school? Our first kiss? Probably quite a few. Memories of such significant events in our lives can trigger what is called a "flashbulb" memory. September 11, as an example, is a day that most of us remember in vivid detail... all of the imagery of that day is burned in our memories because that particular day stands out... it is the same with weddings, birthdays, graduations etc. We remember those days for that central event... the "flashbulb" fires and those memories become permanent.

If you look back on your life, those are the events that stand out. Those memories become easy to access. Now imagine if your "flashbulb" was always on... with no real way to turn it off. That is what I deal with. Nothing really stands out, because everything stands out... no day is unique, because every day is unique... that can make recalling what I remember challenging at times... even maddening...

It can be thought of as having an entire internet in my mind, but without a decent search engine... for the lack of a better analogy... some "searches" get instant "hits"... other "searches" can become more circuitous and tedious... until I figure out the subtleties and subtexts... I always get there, sometimes it just takes a little time...

I had originally planned to sit down and put everything out there in one post, but I am quickly realizing that is just not going to happen... there is just way too much to go through. I will make this part 1, and go from there... and I need a break :)  well, my spiritual side needs a break... it's involved in all of this as well...

I do welcome any questions or comments... :)

Part 2

To pick up where I left off, I was attempting to explain the complexities of my recall ability. As I mentioned earlier, we all have "flashbulb" memories in our lives. My "flashbulb" just fires a lot more... and I usually pay no attention to it. It's automatic. I'm not aware that I am even doing it. It is something I have always just taken for granted.

This ability has its obvious advantages. I can recall conversations that I had years ago, to the exact letter... I remember every joke I have ever been told. I remember every piece of music I have ever listened to. I never forget faces, voices, places, events or even the weather. Do you remember where you were exactly one year ago today? I do... I remember the entire day.

I am not writing this as a braggart... yelling "hey, look what I can do!" Not at all. I am quiet by nature, and I love anonymity. This is why so very few know any of this about me.

I do wonder, at times, if I am here as a "watcher" or "listener"...

My memory skill developed really early. I was reading proficiently by age 3; reading at a high school level by the time I hit first grade. I was tagged as "gifted", of course, and put through the wringer with all of the IQ tests, aptitude tests, psychologists, etc. and all of my scores were off of the charts. They tried to make me a guinea pig. I wanted no part in any of it. I became the quintessential underachiever... it wasn't because I didn't want to learn, I just never saw the point of doing it their way.

There was always enough family drama to keep me under the radar, so I stayed well under it. Out of sight, out of mind... I got out of there as soon as I could, and I got as far away as possible. I can't say that I have never looked back, because I have never had that option... not with an eidetic memory, anyway. I look back whether I want to or not.

Most people have blocks and filters in their memories, as I understand it. A way of being able to forget the worst things that have happened to them... the really bad traumas. I have none of those blocks or filters. The absolute worst parts of my life are every bit as clear as everything else. This is why I said earlier that getting in to the wrong memory can be brutal. When I do recall one of the bad ones, I can literally experience the entire trauma all over again, and it can be just as terrifying for me as when it first happened. I can also relive all of my mistakes, bad judgements, and every bad thing that I have ever done to another. I never get away from it, it's always there.

At times in the past, the bad memories would hit randomly. I may have heard a song on the radio that triggered the memory... I may have seen a particular make/model/color of a vehicle... I never really know at first. When those memories hit, they hit hard. I don't always recognize the specific triggers... but if I do, I take note and store that for another day. The next time my memory keys into that trigger, I know what is there and I can deflect around it, to a point. To this day, I have many bad memories that haven't yet been triggered. I know what they are. I know they are there. I will deal with them when I get to them.

I do carry a few memories that aren't really mine. All I have ever gotten are glimpses of them. They are old... out of time and place. Pieces of a former lifetime? Memories of when I was someone else? I don't really know. I may dig further into that, later in my journey.

I think I will stop here for the evening. I'm tired. I have also dredged up many memories in this process... it may take awhile to get my brain to quiet down for the night.

I again welcome any questions or comments :)

Part 3 tomorrow...