Shelby's Posts (9)
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A little bit about me: I've moved around so much in my life, I'm 26 years old right now and this is the 40th house I've lived in. I know that my soul/spirit is not of this world. I wrote a poem in an attempt to contact my REAL home. Here it is:
I would like to exercise alot.
Drink living water. Paper & pen.
What else would I need?
A loving family and support network.
Clothes, shelter, etc.
Come to me, because you are so far.
Would I even know or recognize
if I found you in disguise?
Open my eyes,so I can see
how my home truly is to be
I hope it's good
and not like the hood
I hope it's greater than Hearst Castle
If it's on another planet,
Tell me the name of it. Now, please.
Dear Lord Jesus,
You are the Son of God and You died on the cross for my sins. I believe that God raised You from the dead and I now receive You into my heart as my Lord and my Savoir.... amen.
Ephesians 2: 8-9
"For by grace ye are saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest anyone should boast."
If a man gives way to all his desires, or panders to them, there will be no inner struggle, in him, no "friction", no fire.
But if, for the sake of attaining a definite aim, he struggles with the desires that hinder him - He will then create a fire which will gradually transform his inner world into a single whole.
-Ouspensky "In Search of the Miraculous", pg. 43
Arguments in relationships get a pretty bad rap. There are a lot of articles on the Web based on avoiding arguments. The truth is conflict is a natural form of creating boundaries and learning about each other. It is not the arguing/debating itself that can be hurtful to a relationship, but rather the poor techniques involved with its execution. Here are seven simple strategies to ensure your occasional debate with your partner is handled with finesse, sensitivity, and above all -- maturity.
Start and Finish Disputes on a Positive Note
One of the biggest reasons arguments end badly is because they start poorly as well. Choose an appropriate time when you and your partner are rested and connected. By connected, I am referring to being in sync with each other, as in after food shopping, gardening, or taking a walk together ("together," being the qualifying word). Open the conversation with how much you appreciate the good things about the relationship, before discussing anything that might be construed as bad. When you're finished, thank your partner for their time and attention, and remind them that you love them.
Use "I", Not "You"
Nobody likes the blame game, and arguments should never be based on what the other partner is doing, but rather how the effected partner is feeling. The worst statements are generalizations, or absolutes like, "You always stay at work late," or "you never help around the house anymore." Instead, validate your reason for the discussion with personal observations such as, "I feel like you don't want to spend time with me," or "I would appreciate a little more help with chores."
Listen!
This is one of the more obvious strategies, but you would be surprised at the number of arguments that take place, where nobody is really listening to each other. Instead, partners are too busy rolling their eyes, interrupting, or rehearsing what they're going to say next. Until you really "get" what it is your partner is saying, you will not reach an acceptable resolution. What's more, when your partner senses you aren't listening, it puts them on the defense. One of the best ways to show a partner you're attentive to the problem is to look them in the eye.
Respect
Respect is one of the fundamental necessities of working through conflict. It allows both sides equal say on the matter. It reduces the occurrence of stonewalling (refusal to talk or listen). It finds an appropriate time and place to talk (don't start arguments in public or in front of the kids), and it ensures raised voices, sarcasm, and verbal abuse stays in check. If you feel your tolerance level reaching its limit, take a break -- and walk away. Just make sure you let your partner know you need time (don't just leave the room), and then make sure you come back and rejoin the conversation within 24 hours.
Your Goal is Not to Win, It's Compromise
The immature strategy of an argument is to win. The mature strategy is to work to make sure both partners are victorious. In arguments where there's a winner, it leaves behind a sticky residue on the relationship, which will guarantee hard feelings the next time conflict arises. A few techniques to ensure a unanimous win-win situation, is to brainstorm solutions, make a pro/con list, or pull a third party (counselor) into the mix if you really find yourselves at a wall.
Stay On Topic
Taking one problem on at a time is a good rule of thumb when dealing with conflict. A lot of partners will bring up various other upsets/past events, in order to shed some of the heat from themselves, but it will only confuse matters worse. It's difficult to solve a problem when different topics are being introduced. With this said, there's one caveat. Sometimes an argument about coming home late or not doing chores underlies an even bigger problem, such as fear a partner is cheating, etc. If you sense there's more to the issue than what appears, take the time to question your partner.
Ask Questions
This strategy is quite simple. If you don't understand what your partner is trying to say, ask more about it. Use the advice above to help formulate appropriate questions. You never want to insult or insinuate your partner is a poor communicator ("You never make any sense, what are you trying to say?" "Is it that time of the month again?"). Sometimes by asking them to clarify the problem, you are not only helping yourself understand their feelings, but you're helping discover any hidden instigators of the problem (lack of time spent together, etc.).
*Blessings! ~ S.D.S.
"Research shows that children with good, loving fathers do better overall in academics and careers, are more socially and emotionally adjusted, and are less likely to be involved in criminal activities. One of the most important things fathers can provide their children is validation, a feeling of worth and of being cared about. The lack of that validation can bestow, as one man wrote, “a hole in my soul in the shape of my dad with unhealed wounds from years of feeling neglected and less than worthy.”
The good news is that all of us have a spiritual Father who loves us and wants the best for us (John 3:16). Make it a point to get to know your spiritual Father better."
-United Church of God
*PEAK experiences should also be called peek experiences.
*Your "pain-body" is mind-made fiction.
*Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to die before you die - and find that there is no death.
*The problems of the mind cannot be solved on the level of the mind.
**Power over others is weakness disguised as strength.
*The ego's needs are endless. It feels vulnerable and threatened and so lives in a state of fear and want.
*NOTHING EXISTS OUTSIDE THE NOW.
*The root of unconsciousness is identification with the mind.
*Ordinary unconsciousness is always linked in some way with denial of the Now.
*Don't let fear rise up into your mind. Use the power of Now. Fear cannot prevail against it.
*The Moon has no light of it's own; it can only reflect the Sun.
*PRESENCE = sustained attention.
*To complain is always non-acceptance of what IS. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When I complain, I make myself into a victim.
*If you cannot be present even in normal circumstances, such as when you're sitting alone in a room, walking in the woods, or listening to someone, then you certainly won't be able to stay conscious when something "goes wrong" or you are faced with difficult people or situations, with loss or the threat of loss. Those challenges are your tests.
*Jesus asked his disciples, "Can anxious thought add a single moment to your life?"
*Buddha taught that the root of suffering is to be found in our constant want & craving.
*Unhappiness spreads more easily than a physical disease.
*Accept you Here & Now totally by dropping all inner resistance.
*"Am I at ease at this moment?", is a good question to ask yourself frequently. Or you can ask, "What's going on inside me at this moment?" Be at least as interested in what goes on inside you as what happens outside. (With practice, your power of self-observation, of monitoring your inner state, will become sharpened.)
*As within, so without: If humans clear inner pollution, they will also cease to create outer pollution. [Are you polluting the world or cleaning up the mess?]
*How can I drop negativity? By dropping it. How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your hand? How do you drop some heavy and useless baggage that you are carrying? By recognizing that you don't want to suffer the pain or carry the burden anymore, and then letting go of it.
*There is great strength in SURRENDER. Only a surrendered person has spiritual power. You will be free internally of a situation. Then you may find that the situation changes without any effort on your part. In any case, you are FREE!
*If you go into it fully & consciously, you will soon come out of it. Or maybe you won't. Either way, there is no inner conflict, no resistance, no negativity.
*Stress is caused by being "here", but wanting to be "there", or being in the present but wanting to be in the future.
*The fact that everyone else is doing it doesn't make it any less insane.
*Observe the mind. Smile at it. 
*Die to the past every moment. You don't need it. Only refer to it when it is absolutely relevant to the present. Feel the power of this moment; the fullness of being. Feel your presence.
*It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole lives waiting to start living.....
*So give up waiting as a state of mind. When you catch yourself slipping into waiting... snap out of it! Come into the present moment.
*So next time somebody says, "Sorry to have kept you waiting," I can reply, "That's all right, I wasn't waiting. I was just standing here enjoying myself - in joy in myself."
*BEWARE: The false, unhappy self, based on mind identification, lives on time.
It knows that the present moment is its own death, and so feels very threatened by it. It will do all it can to take you out of it. It will try to keep you trapped in time.
*The only thing that is ultimately real about your journey is the step that you are taking at this moment. That's all there ever is.
*The sooner I realize that my outer purpose cannot give me lasting fulfillment, the better.
*Give attention to the present: your behavior, reactions, moods, thoughts, emotions, fears, and/or desires as they occur in the present.
*Your conscious presence is a transformative agent from [out of] your past...
*The past cannot survive in your presence. It can only survive in your absence.
*Try an experiment:
Close your eyes and say to yourself, "I wonder what my next thought is going to be." Then become very alert and wait for the next thought. BE LIKE CAT WATCHING A MOUSE HOLE... try it now.
*Body awareness keeps you present. It anchors you in "the Now".
*To stay present in everyday life, it helps to be deeply rooted within yourself, otherwise the mind, which has incredible momentum, will drag you along like a wild river.
*The mind left to itself creates monstrosities, so it can never be in touch with that place within where true beauty and creativity arise.
*Look at our urban landscapes & industrial wastelands. 
No civilization has ever produced so much ugliness.
No civilization has ever produced so much ugliness.