Dream Nebula's Posts (2)

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Cry Baby

I think one of the biggest misconceptions that people have about me deals with crying. Ever since I can remember, whenever I cried in front of someone, whether it be a family member or someone from school, I was usually referenced with being a cry baby. Kind of ironic though because when I was a baby and small child, I rarely cried like other children would (according to my parents). 

I was teased and bullied throughout elementary, middle, and high school. I've had my share of arguments and insults from family members as well. And believe me when I say that when it came to crying at school, it was a RARE thing. I REFUSED to cry in front of classmates.

Looking back at SOME of the scenarios I've encountered, If I was in a heated argument with someone, there would come a point where I would start to cry.When that happened, I remember being called weak or a cry baby because the tears would just begin to fall. Hearing that from a young age, it stayed embedded in my mind and yet, something in me knew that there was something wrong with being called that.

A few days ago I got into a similar situation with my dad. We got into an argument and it got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I walked away crying. But I realized something important at that moment. I went on google and started looking up information on crying and I realized that my crying had nothing to do with being weak.

After much analyzing I was able to connect my crying with anger and frustration. I don't cry because I'm a small fragile thing! No! I cry because I get very angry and frustrated! Last night the same thing happened with my aunt. We were talking about something she told me she would do, something we planned since last year and suddenly she just didn't want to do that anymore.

I freaked her out when I stayed quiet and the tears started falling. As soon as I was able to stop crying I plain out told her that I was mad about her changing her mind. I was crying because I was mad at her and I think she understood when I told her that. I don't understand why my body responds to anger and frustration with crying. It doesn't happen every single time I do but like I said before, it happens.

I was surprised to see that this happens to quite a lot of people but to be honest, I'm getting tired of this happening to me. I wish there was another way I could express my emotions without the tears. I'm really tired of it and I wish I could control it.

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A Small Attempt

If I had a dollar for every attempt I've made at posting a blog or discussion on this website, I think I'd have a good amount of money. 

There are so many thoughts and questions encircling my mind that I honestly haven't the slightest idea where to start. I've always been a lurker when it comes to social sites or forums in general. I like to observe and read what other people have to say but when it comes to my opinion, I don't know... I never really felt the need to actually put my thoughts out there.

One of my family member's recently spoke to me about this habit of mine. She suggested that I try and post something, even if it was nonsense. So here I am. 

I've posted a few discussions in the past so I can't say I've never posted anything on AC but I've never really posted something personal.

So, here we go...

I guess I'll admit that April was an extremely stressful month. Nothing but assigned reading, homework, and research papers to work on. Not to mention preparing for finals. So much to do in such a short amount of time and just when I thought that the worse was over my mom has seizure during my finals week. 

I never wanted a month to be over with so bad.

I don't know why but I always feel better when a new month begins. Almost like a fresh start or the feeling you get when you open up a new notebook to start writing.

The semester is over, my mom is okay, and May is finally here. And for the first time in years I'm actually having a summer off from school.

Looking back at all the long nights where I had to stay up finishing assignments, studying for quizzes, or when I couldn't sleep due to feeling slightly depressed about certain things- right at this moment I feel like I can breathe again. I feel quite calm and I'm really happy about that.

I hope May will be a good month  :)

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