Strange how letting go is so eazy still so dificult. It seems it is the reason for the letting go that is so hard to swallow. There is a moment where giving up or keep on going is standing face to face. I always end up with the keep on going part. Even to the point where i am still standing al alone holding on to something that has no meaning of life anymore...to others that is.
I seem to take this service to others to far and seem to always end up totaly ripped apart.
I have tried not to be like this, but still i can't help it. Some say you need to choose who you want to help and why, i seem to have no limit on who to help except when it is myself i need to help.
For me letting go is like failing, i have managed to let go of manny things, like country,friends,family,work,money,even love. But there seems to be one thing i have a problem with and that is Control.
I controled al this letting go the same way i used to not let go...so now i realise i did not let go of anything i just changed the outer part of things but the main thing is still there.
I say i let go but deep inside i look for things that keep me where i am...stuck in the same circle.
Al this moving around from country to country seems to be useless, things keep on showing up just the same as in the first country. I do understand the atraction law and why this is hapening i just do not know how to change it.
I know manny will say to let it go...lol...
So here i am talking and writing to myself ofcourse giving the problem while having the answer.
Now knowing the answer, i still do not seem to get it. I guess here is the moment when the universe comes into the picture.
Let go and give the universe a chance to show you the way...??
It reminds me of my car crash, where the cops told me they were amazed i survived it, still i know i used incredible power and will to manage this crash and lead it to a good end.
What if i had not done this? What if i was suposed to die but changed the course of the event with my never ending controling habbit?
At the other end there is the totaly not in control part ( I think for i am not shure) Where i have a inner urge to do things, especialy after the drowning part of my life and this kundalini experience.
it is weird i seem to go backwards and clean up everything that went wrong in my past with people, especialy the emotional part.
I seem to have this urge to get things right, needless to say i seem to be the only one in this clean up that has a clue about it. I personaly have no need for others involved to know what i do or why i meet them, i just know i have to do so. This is why for them i seem to be out of place and not in control of the normal way of living.
Seems that my life movie when i died did have a strong impact on me even if i do not remember anny of it.
I am writing this because a new moving is in the make, i have been down this road once 15 years ago when i went to visit my sister. we had not seen or heard from eachother for more than 10 years.
Needless to say the encounter was less than positive, especially on my sisters side.
She seemed to blame her whole life on me.
I know after month of therapy where the problem is but i have no clue how to make it right again.
It had never ocured to me al those years why my sister was trying to get my atention at home in good or bad ways, and me avoiding her. The main problem being the day my father punished me so hard he hit me uncounscious.
I only knew at that time that the hitting was related to her so for me to stay alive and well meant not getting close to her. ( i was 7 at that time)
I know she did not understand me pushing her away ( she did not witness the punishment and i never mentioned it to her) I was just trying to survive at that point.
I am thinking of moving again this time to California where she lives.
This move is in a way also conected to my wife and me splitting.
I always seem to do things in a whole, i could visit her but instead i could just move and stay longer to have better result on everything. I am calm and relax trying to listen to my inner voice on what to do next.
Still there is this thought of ...control or no control. Letting go or not letting go. Saving my marriage or helping my sister...or just helping my-self...?
The spiritual part of me and my wife being together for is over, she chose for her work and the finacial part of it and i keep going on to wherever it is i am lead to be.
My spiritual view on everything is so strong i seem to have no place right now where i can be.
even if it feels right and i know i am not alone, the feeling of lonelyness is verry mutch alive.
Or maybe it is just a lack of understanding from my seroundings that make me feel this way.
Once again i am on a crossroad in my life where i need to be silent and listen to the truth, still i have a time problem and i am nerveous i will not make it in time.
Make it in time, making the changes needed that were shown to me...and that i fergot about ofcourse. This life movie is unrafeling in front of me and i only see it when the change is in effect, when the deja vu and the aha moment hit me and tension is released.
In-between those moments tension gets verry high and makes me fall on my knees a lot even if i do not enjoy this at al.
I wonder if i should of written this here...? But then why not i know everything has a reazon.