Demonic Karma

For most of my life I was sheltered by my mother. She taught me by example to live always feeling sorry for myself, never taking responsibility, and worse, to fear everybody and what they thought of me. I created negative thought patterns and probably my own kind of daily negative karma by being half a person and so disrespectful to my real self that I kept shamefully hidden. The time I grew out of this I'd already thrown away all my school years and I became angry when I realized I wasted so much potential because of the way I was raised.

It's taken a long time to forgive my parents. But that's not what this is about. All my childhood and for a number of years later I always thought I was cursed. My mom called it "Murphy." She said I inherited it. The way she sees life it is always doomed. I had low self esteem and the curse was real, because I made it real. I never accomplished anything, because I never believed I had the ability to. Today I am happy, forgiving, caring, giving, eager to learn and teach and I consider my sensitivity traits from the past a humble blessing and intuition. But it wasn't always this way. For a long time I was bitter, angry, jealous, proud, ego maniacal and lost inside. During the beginning of this time I was into methamphetamine. I hung out with bad people. I've never been to violent, but I was around it enough and men are already proud and stupid, but when you mix in "gang mentality" it's insane. Being "hard" was appealing to me. I never really had it in me though. I grew up a spoiled little bitch, but I wanted to be tough. A friend of mine was violent and he did in fact grow up that way. Raised by crack head brothers and cousins that were in actual gangs. He himself at this point in life was not in a gang. My small town doesn't have many, thankfully. He was more of a "thug." I lived with him. I competed with him and I took his shit a lot, because I wasn't that kind of person. I longed to be though.. sick of being pushed. And I knew it wasn't my instinctive nature, so I always tried and I looked for ways to force it until it was natural.

The darkness is appealing. A lot of you may not get it, but there's a power struggle for some of us raised in shitty places around shit people. I mean let's face it if I were a moral less, two faced psychopath I would most likely be successful as an American. I want to stress that I know better and that that aint what this is about either. Because I wasn't always sure... I considered giving up all my moral values and good beliefs while daily living in anger and frustration. Always unsatisfied with the way my good deeds went unrewarded while enviously I watched horrible people profit at the worlds expense. Yes, I wanted it and I was very insecure and weak at this point in time. So one day... (sigh) that same friend and I... killed a cat together. I could go into detail, but it's brutal. We captured it and I did it in. It was horrible. I wanted to know if I was capable of committing to the dark side, but I learned that day I would never be able to. It still took years to break a lot bad habits and learn to forgive and let go of things, but that day I knew I was not evil, but still I did an evil thing.

The curse is real now! This was nearly six years ago and I have horrible luck even though I continually do the right thing and now without expectations or regret. That's been for two years. Since I let go of my anger. I don't get anything really good or progressive for long. I am haunted by inner demons even though I am a very positive person and a good friend to every one. It took me a while to make a connection to the cat, but I am pretty sure at this point it has a lot to do with my current karma. I don't know what to do about it. When I have some extra money I plan on getting Reiki and I was gonna ask about getting my inner demons absolved by a healer. I know in my heart I should tell my neighbor what I did to her poor cat and ask for her forgiveness. This idea weighed on me heavily for a year or two. But I can't. I don't even know her well and what would you do if some one told you they murdered your beloved pet animal!? Freak out, call the cops and resent them for it! I'm not gonna go to jail for that. Besides it's better that she thinks it ran away than find out it was killed in cold blood. I wish I hadn't done it, but it's done and it was a long time ago now. I feel like even though I no longer feel guilty I am bound by it. Karma is real and I need to balance mine. Don't know what to do. I'm sick of this bad luck. It's not in my head. Even my friends are fully convinced!

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  • Okay fine, I will play it your guys' way. Everyone needs a form of therapy it is healthy and it does bring things to light. I don't think I need professional therapy, because I'm fine with constantly bringing things to light as I experience them on my own, because that's the way I enthusiastically like to live my life. Every day people in my life are fine to be my friend and try to be my therapist if they will it. I don't care. I'm practically shameless. I'm punk rock bitches. That's why this site pisses me off. I reach out and it isn't taken seriously. Now I remember why I don't come here any more. "Even my friends are full convinced!" - I guess that must be a huge exaggeration brought on by paranoid delusions from years of suppressed guilt and self hatred. There's no other explanation for it. Like for instance one commits a form of murder and is punished for it by an unseen universal law of balance. Or even though said person keeps a clean head there are negative energies in and or around their environment from the phone towers, tv's, and possibility of body or mind possession of malevolent entities minor or chronic. But either way there's no way dude is serious when he says his friends each being their own wise person honestly concur that dude's concept of being cursed has proven itself to have real ground in their minds that are effected in the matrix they all share.

  • I figured I would get a few replies like "Just forgive yourself" But that's not it. Like I said I pretty much forgot about it, but it's the only thing I can think of that makes since to having bad karma, for this life time at least. I lived pretty good last year for a good six months without a care in the world before things kinda fell apart. But I still had terrible luck and I have forever now. I don't think I cause it. I might 'have caused' it. I don't really need therapy 'cuz I'm an open book. I probably should have had some then though, huh? lol I think I'm cursed. Maybe that's stupid, but I want to know how to be un-cursed. Not listen to more obvious explanations. Working at a shelter though.. that makes sense. And it sounds like Lejes is calling me an insecure idiot. That's just not helpful at all.

  • The thing about growing up in homes like this is the negative tapes that are playing nonstop in the head. The negative thoughts and the beliefs and the self destructive behaviors that go along with that....The more you cAn love and forgive yourself the more peace u will bring to the planet and yourself. Making amends helps clear away the demonic karma because u have cleaned it up. If you ever think about speaking to the woman I would recommend talking with someone before that like with a tneripist or someone in a 12 step program. An indirect method would be becoming an animal rights person,vegetarian,work in a shelter. There is a saying they use in recovery about being a living amends, which is beautiful, just beautiful... Xx
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