I'm trying my best to be in the flow with things and let it just happen since it will do me good to shed some baggage. I always thought I needed to keep improving despite feeling very lonely at times only to be pulled back from the edge of destruction by my will to stay in source's love. I have a tendency to forget the glory and see only darkness. Always chasing after this love I know not of. It's like wanting so much to be close to source's love and to identify oneself in it that everything grinds to halt spiritually. A spiritual rut is more like it. Usually I'm calm and controlled which is the biggest issue I have. I am slowly letting go of control but boy is it hard. There's this very disruptive pattern happening and energetically speaking I am all over the place. Being pulled in all sorts of direction is hard because I have things in my life that I have to focus on. I have responsibilities I have to take care of but my nerves are frazzled. I need an anchor desperately. I've always been my own anchor and it has never been a problem until now. Sometimes praying isn't enough. Sometimes having faith isn't enough. I always reach for more. For some the beyond is scary for me it's a necessity. Oh, I'm probably ranting a lot. The state of my mind is just like bam, pow, ouch.....I'm mentally having a war with myself. Lol.