I may be accepting my fate but I don't have to like it

I'm so fed up with not having my damn powers. ANd I'm too exhasted to bother training anymore. I've been at this bullshit for close to 4 years now and in that time I've stood on deaths door multiple times because apparently I'm some kind of threat. Tch, I may have been a threat spiritually but never physicaly, and I could hardly be onsidered any kind of threat now. Every day my energy falls a little bit more and nothing seems to be stopping it. My chakra network is shredded and I think I've lost any concievable chance I had at ever merging.

All I ever do is leak energy like s sieve, people can't even give me energy, it just flows out again. My friends say they're waiting for me to regain all that stuf so I can pull them through? WEll, I say they shouldn't bother. Its not going to happen, not without help. Help that I don't have and will never have as long as they stay up there.

And to think, before I shredded it I used to be able to control teh fucking weather. Hell one day when I was utterly fed up with school there was a whirlwind around me strong enough to totally blow the boooks and papers out aof a girls hands from about 2 feet away. And this was indoors. And now I barely have the energy to get out of bed let alone do anything productive.

I'm just a blind, scrawny kid who only thinks he can help people in his mind. I'm useless. And I have to put up with this damn world all at the same time. I would rather die than sell my soul to this bullshit society. And yet regaining my powers is my one and only hope of freedom. But lets face it, in my state that will never happen. I'm fed up with trying, its someone elses turn to help me now. But, that won't happen either so I guess I'm doomed to be a fucking slave here till 2013.

I figure if nothing major has happened buy then then there's no point being around anymore. And I'll just commit suicide. I have absolutely zero intention of living past that point in this condition. My job is done. No I wasn't sent back here on some damn mission, nobody gives me orders. I do things because I want to do them, not because someone tells me to.

I'm done doubting my experiences, although I'm sure many here would simply because "oh those shiny light beings are all pure and sparkly and would never do anything wrong". or maybe some other ignorant BS like "Oh earth is sacred so nothihng could ever happen to it like you say." Fuck them, I cannot believe there's people so ignorant around. I have no respect for them. I fucking put my life on the line multiple times for people like that, who would only turn around and condemn everything I say. I didn't care that5 they were so unbelievably stupid, I figured that given enough time and experience they too would realize things are not as absolute as they believe. I recognized people capacity to learn and grow, even the most rigidly dogmatic. You can only have your beliefs thrown back in your face and contradicted so many times till you realize you're wrong. Hence why I believe in no absolutes of any type, they all got proven wrong.

So here I am, doing the one thing I have scarecly enough energy for. Writing on a forum. That's all I can contribute these days, its not much of a reason to get up but its better than nothing. No art, no writing novels, no practicing magic, no working out, no cooking, no researching world events, nothing. I'm done. all I can do is this, instant messaging, and occasionally gaming. That's right, I don't even have enough energy to play a video game anymore.I barely even have the energy or drive to feed myself let alone take care of the house. What use could I possibly be to the fucking world?

I'm not going to bother asking for help because I know that even if you wanted to, you couldn't provide it. All I'm doing is ranting, I don't see a point in continuing to try to push myself to do anything at all. As much as I'd love to do many things, fact is I simply can't. I'll likely still make promises to do things like update a blog. Tch, but I shouldn't bother, I don't have the energy for that. Yet I still stupidly try.

Oh, and peace don't tell me to ask an angel for help or anything. I don't want their help nor do I need it. Tch, they couldn't help me anyways. Nothing coming from the spirit planes is going to  have any effect whatsoever on my situation. That's why I have no support and won't both asking you guys. I don't know how long I've been on this forum but I do know that there isn't anyone here with the expertise to repair a chakra network except maybe Anush. And even then, she lacks her powers just like I do, so it wouldn't matter if she was right in the room with me. But she's done enough for me as it is, time for someone to help her out now. And obviously I can't do that.

Why am I posting this in Guidance and Inspiration? I don't know, I didn't know where else it could go. I don't really want guidance or inspiration, although I recognize that someone may potentially say something that does actually guide or inspire me. Who knows it could happen.

I was putting a lot of faith in myself and my triggers, believing that if I was pushed too far I'd suddenly snap and explode with energy. More than enough to meet my goals. And although it does feel like that may still be possible, I'm not putting any more faith in it. II doubt it will ever happen, it took everything I had to triggeragainst those fucking celestial assholes in that one projection. I'll never do that physically without the same stress, that's just a fact. There is no way I can invoke that in myself at will. I've tried, and I'm giving up. I might as well wait for an alien invasion, or conventional one, or maybe some natural disaster.

In the meantime I'll chuckle at every new broken promise by the GFL, every predictable "oh we had to postpone such and such event". If I hadn't met those people myself I'd probably actually have more respect for them, but no, they're fucking assholes. They don't give a damn about what happens down here as long as it happens their way. That's what I've learned. Like the Spanish looking at the south americans and going "oh what savages, we need to show them the way of God" and proceeding to slaughter any who opposed them. Or how the USA goes to "Bring democracy" to a region, usually by ousting a democratically elected leader and putting a dictator in power that they can control like with Iran and Chile. That's all I ever saw when I read their precious chanellings, removing all of our power and replacing it with theirs then telling us its freedom. Meddling in the affairs of others out of a sense of their own self righteousness.

At this point I don't think there's any reason for me to care anymore. I couldn't do anything even if I wanted to so why bother planning?

If you read this all the way through, thank you. I'm going back to slowly wasting away now.