> This is the Best Adult Joke of the Year
>
> One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
>
> He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
>
> "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, > but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
> tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
> weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
> take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
> Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door
> to the first room.
> In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
> and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and
> surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
> in hell.
>
> "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
> don't think I could do that all day long."
>
> The devil led him to the door of the next room.
>
> In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All
> he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
>
> "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
> be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
> commented Obama.
>
> The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, > lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained
> in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
> she does best.
>
> Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
> man, I can handle this."
>
> The devil smiled and said...........
>
> "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
>
> PRICELESS

 

 

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  • A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

    The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

    He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

  • A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

  • Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

    He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

    The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

    The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

  • These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
    people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
    by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
    were actually taking place.

    ____________________________________________________________ 
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    _______________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WTNESSS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _________________________________________________________________ 
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    _______________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    _____________________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    ______________________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....
    _____________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work .
    ______________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    _______________________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ________________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ___________________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?
    ___________________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    ___________________________________________________________

  • You know how I hate boast.

    In demand at halloween though.

    Giant-Pumpkin.jpg

  • A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

    Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

    Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
    He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"


  • Sorry this is bad but funny......

    "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
    "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

    "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

    "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

    "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

    "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

    So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

    "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

    "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

    Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!

     

    Get the words right.........


    • ooooooooweeeeee.....that is bad...laffin me butt off......

  • A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse.

    When the woman saw the male martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night.

    In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"


  • You really are a little devil but it is cute.  Maybe substitute someone else for Ted Kennedy as there was a victim involved but that should be easy to do since there are so many to choose from.

This reply was deleted.

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